Stress

Me + stress = fast heart rate, neck & jaw tension, avoiding people, headaches, eating unhealthy food, poor sleep, and probably more things that I can't think of right now. I have been feeling a lot of stress at work over the last 2 years and at home over the last few months. Things I know that can help that I haven't done either at all or not enough for a few months: massage, swimming & hot tub, spending time in nature, reading, and spending intentional time alone with God. So, time to take a break from the unimportant/less important things so I can be intentional in at least one of these areas.

Passion vs Fear

I was sitting in church yesterday, listening to various people in the congregation share/bring prayer requests. I was hoping someone would bring up the fact that it was the International Day of Prayer focused on human trafficking, but it didn't happen. Our pastor was about to end the sharing time and have us join with her in praying, when a man raised his hand to share. After this, the pastor looked around to see if anyone else had anything to share and I found the courage to do so. I find it incredibly difficult to talk to people in general (even friends sometimes), and I feel various measures of anxiety, so thinking about sharing in a large group can be very paralyzing. I know that not everyone has the same interests/passions and that because getting involved in helping to counter human trafficking is something that has become part of who I am over the last 3 years, it is my responsibility to share events like the IDP and more, and I managed to do that yesterday. It was a very revealing (to me) time. I brought it as a prayer request (which took maybe 30 seconds), and although I wanted to say more I was caught off guard by the emotions beginning to surface. After we spent some time in prayer together, I sat there thinking about what happened while I was sharing and what it could mean.

The emotions that began to surface were not the usual shame/anxiety/fear that comes when I speak in large groups. This time it was...passion. The kind that brings tears, a sense of urgency, the forgetting of self in the presence of something greater. It makes me wonder if I, who have been terrified to be "the voice", could actually put on an awareness event / fundraiser, allowing the passion to overcome the paralyzing fear. Could this be something that God uses to show His glory through me? (as it would be clear to those who know me that speaking would not be even close to my first choice). Could sharing in church yesterday be the beginning of a new kind of sacrificial living?

Welcome to another aspect of a "journey through my mind". I do not know if the above thoughts/questions will have a "Yes" answer, but I am going to hold onto them as possibilities.

I don't want to make this post much longer, but there are two topics that are now on my mind to write about: 1. prayer  2. human trafficking
Stay tuned...

10 Years - Gone, but not forgotten

10 years ago today we lost 2 wonderful girls in a Saskatchewan winter car accident. I did not know either of these girls very well, but those who knew them loved them. Though I didn't know them well, we were fellow students in a college of 100 students which creates opportunities to know about people quickly. They both had so much energy and passion, which had a beautiful impact on those around them. I had the opportunity to spend time with one of them the weekend before the accident. She asked me if I wanted to hang out, so we went outside and tossed a football around, went for a walk, and had an enjoyable conversation. I think of her often and then immediately think of the other girl. Both of them were very close to friends I am very close to. With the impact this has on me, I can only imagine the impact on their family and friends. My heart goes out to them all. KV & NH...you are loved and missed greatly.

Reason to Sing

This song struck something within me on Sunday. I have a feeling I will need it when I get more involved in more difficulties in life and am feeling overwhelmed by grief, brokenness, tragedy...when I need a reason to sing.

Bubbles and Sky Paintings

Image found on http://www.flickr.com/photos/shunkoba/8069471609/

Today I am reminded of the fun, intimate, personal relationship I have with God. We have danced, He has played with me with bubbles while I was doing dishes, He has created beautiful sky paintings for me to admire, He has created the earth for me to enjoy. When it is raining while the sun is shining, it's like He's having a water-fight with me. No matter how many times I have acted in sin, He has ALWAYS been with me, NEVER leaving me to ruin. I know He loves me. I know he wants me to be happy. It is hard knowing that He does not always get what He wants when He wants it. He wants us to love Him, to choose Him, to follow Him. He patiently waits for us to wander in the desert for 40 years, giving us the freedom to choose our own way. He can set the right path before us, but he will not force us to walk it. I make choices. Others make choices. As much as God loves me and wants me to be happy, the choices that I and others make can postpone the fullness of that happiness. So, while happiness may be postponed, I am reminded of his love through the "little" things, like bubbles and sky paintings.

Children and Violence

22 children and 1 adult injured in knife attack at primary school gate in China's Henan province - state mediahttp://t.co/OgyFLCGN
Police in Newtown: "20 children, six adults and gunman killed at school, another dead at second scene" http://t.co/IS9R6v0P

With these two tragedies that happened yesterday my heart continues to break for this world, and I continue to be stirred to action. For better or for worse the current action I am taking is more schooling, starting with the Social Services field. What I realized this morning, however, is that I need to educate myself on more current events, laws, policies, organizations, etc.

I decided to start with the United Nations. I went to www.un.org (English) and did a search for "children". There were many stories that came up (about 193,000) and on the right-hand side were the following options to narrow my search:



Sadly, this list did not surprise me. The reason I returned to my studies in the Social Services area was to get involved in stopping and preventing the use of child soldiers. I have since broadened my sights to human trafficking in general, but hearing these stories and reading this list increases my desire to help children. As difficult as it will be, I look forward to learning more and getting involved.

Expectation, fear, hope...

I was going through my twitter feed today and came across a tweet from Joyce Meyer:
"Live with the expectation that God is going to do something wonderful for you today!"

This brought an immediate sense of excitement, followed very quickly by an overwhelming sense of fear. For as long as I can remember I have been afraid to get my hopes up, afraid to expect good things. Outwardly I tend to not show hope or expectation. Perhaps as an attempt to harden myself to the pain of disappointment. Inwardly, however, that hope remains. Perhaps because the greatest hope I have ever had has not been disappointed. For that reason I continue to hold on, to have hope.

Flicker

Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters. Genesis 1:2.

This verse seems to reflect how I see my life right now.

Formless, empty, dark. I am in a dark mindset that I have not been able to escape for quite some time now. I cannot think of anything new in my life that would have caused me to get into this mindset, which I think makes it worse. The things in life that used to bring me much joy, now are just a flicker of light in this overwhelming darkness. That light is a beautiful thing to see, but as soon as it's gone, it's almost like it was never there. I don't like this. I have talked with a few people about it. I have asked for prayer. I have prayed. But it's like my eyes are glazed over and I cannot see the truth.

BUT...

There is an awareness of the truth that the Spirit of God is hovering...planning and working in my life. Knowing what comes next in the Creation story gives me hope for new life to be stirred within me. Life that I can truly live out. One day I hope to be able to expand on this.

Denial

In the midst of everything that's going on in my head and heart these days, there is one piece of Scripture that keeps coming to mind: "Deny yourself". I used to think more about what follows that statement ("take up your cross"), but the words "Deny yourself" are much more prevalent for me right now. For a brief, but helpful commentary click here.
Within half an hour tonight, I was strongly tempted 3 separate times in the area of snacks/desserts. All 3 times I thought I was going to give in. After struggling to hold out buying something the first 2 times, I prayed for strength. When the 3rd time came along, it was even harder...possibly because it was already in my house. I was repeating "Deny yourself" over and over again, but I was ready to give in. Then out of nowhere I found the strength to throw it in the garbage and walk away.

Consider it...

After expressing my thoughts of "God is supposed to be enough, but He's not", my difficulty of finding a pattern to get into the Word of God again, and feeling like I have put distance (relationally) between God and I, I received the following email from a friend today:

'Consider it all joy...when you encounter various trials.' James 1:2
James writes: 'Consider it all joy...when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance...that you may be perfect and complete' (vv. 2-4 NAS). Peter writes: '...don't be surprised at the fiery trials you are going through, as if something strange were happening to you' (1 Peter 4:12 NLT). Trials are the common thread that unites us. When you get through with one, chances are there's another one coming up the road. That's why James didn't say, 'if,' but 'when you encounter...trials.' Observe: 1) Trials come in various categories. They're physical, emotional, financial, and relational; it's not a one-size-fits-all deal. Some are shocking, like the unexpected loss of a loved one; others are more drawn out, like an acrimonious divorce or a prolonged illness. Some play out in public while others take place in your own private hell. Some are due to your own, or other people's mistakes; others have nothing whatsoever to do with human shortcomings. 2) Trials test our faith. They bring us back to basics and remind us where our priorities should lie. One Bible teacher says, 'During...intense trials I go back to...what I really believe...elementals such as prayer and dependence...getting quiet and waiting on God. Trials...force us back to the bedrock of faith upon which our foundation rests, and this becomes a refining and necessary process.' 3) Trials mature us. When we're suffering there's a tendency to try to look for the quick way out. Don't do that. Trials are designed to make us 'complete.' By letting them do their work, you end up stronger.

I don't know if this was my friend's "Word of the Day" email that she got today, or if she had it saved from another day, but it was the perfect email for me to receive. Even if I have not been in the Word, my thoughts have not changed that it is important, vital even. Even when I have struggled with feeling like God is not enough, I have not questioned His character. As I was taking my break at work, I realized that it's not that God is not enough. He is enough. But like I said, I had been distancing myself (unwillingly, yet knowingly). It has felt like He is not enough because I have not been really with Him. Once I came to that realization, I came to another one (relating to the above email). These thoughts I've been having, these struggles/trials, have been getting more intense lately. I believe it is because I am making steps towards my dream (see previous post). If I can keep this in mind, perhaps it will give me the strength to draw closer to God and to fight through the trials.

Dreams / Lack of Confidence / The Need to Trust

I have shared my new dream with a number of people, and now with whoever reads this:

I am planning to go back to university, get my Bachelor of Social Work (and perhaps Masters, and perhaps another degree), get involved in the prevention/elimination/recovery aspects of human trafficking in general (child soldiers in specific). As far as I can tell, the beginning of this dream came a couple years ago when I read the book "Girl Soldier: A Story of Hope for Northern Uganda's Children".

This is a fairly new dream, and it is now competing with an older dream:
For over 10 years now I've wanted to be involved in drug & alcohol recovery, potentially starting something similar to The Dream Centre. I don't know why this has been on my heart for so long, and I don't know why it was put on the back-burner for a while or why it's resurfacing now.

What I do know is that I am currently battling a lack of confidence. So much so that I literally feel like I'm drowning. I do not have the skills to be involved in these areas (hence the plan to go back to university). I keep thinking of getting involved in the LifeBridge Ministries LAMP Mentoring program, but then I start thinking "Who am I to think I could mentor someone? I can't even get my own life together, so how am I supposed to help guide someone else?" When these doubts come in, they seem to be around long enough to get me to put plans on hold. But then God comes along and gently reminds me of His greatness, His abilities, the words He has spoken to me, His leading. As He brings these things to mind, the doubts slowly get pushed aside. Then, as I feel ready to act, they come swooping in again. I am so sick of this game!

I know God. I trust Him like a child trusts. The adult part of me needs to trust that He will work through me and in spite of me, just as He has done with so many others.

(I was just looking for a picture to put at the top of this post and came across this: http://simplemegirl.blogspot.com/2011/01/my-wallpaper-waves.html. I have been sitting here, jaw dropped, stunned at how fitting this was for me to come across).

The Big Question: WHY?!

God can. God wants to. God doesn't.
I believe God can do anything. I believe God wants to meet our needs. Yet it is obvious that He does not meet all of our needs. The question needs to be asked: Why?

In the Bible, one man said, "Lord, if you are willing...". At that moment in time, He was willing. But apparently He is not always willing. Why?

Why are there so many people who go without food, clothing, and shelter?
Why is there such a large amount of human trafficking?
Why do there continue to be such violent wars?
Why do abusive/neglectful parents have kids, while some loving parents are unable to have kids?
Why are there so many people struggling with a lack of finances, hindering them from doing great things?

WHY?! To so many things, why?!


I almost added to the list: Why did Jesus have to die for our sins? But I have actually come to terms with that, and am extremely thankful for this unfair system of justice that justifies me in the eyes of God.

I do not know why God does not intervene in a big way. Though I suppose even when He does intervene in a big way, we do not necessarily see it that way. People expected God to intervene in a much different way than coming to earth as a baby, living as a servant-leader, and dying on a cross.

Can we open our eyes to see how He is at work today? I am not one to pay much attention to strategy, but I have seen His strategy at work in this world. It is exciting, it is overwhelming. It does not feel like it's enough, but I trust Him. And now I must be preparing myself to hear from Him. Where does He want me to go? What does he want me to do?

Once again, my life is not my own. I have committed/surrendered my life to Him. For what better hands could my life be in?

It is time...

Let him who cannot do the thing he would
Will to do that he can. To will is foolish
Where there's no power to do. That man is wise
Who, if he cannot, does not wish he could. - Leonardo da Vinci

I came across this quote today. It's really got me thinking. There are many things that I wish I could do, but cannot do. I need to learn to let go of those things, that I might put my energy into doing what I can. Time passes too quickly. I cannot sit back any longer wishing for what will not be, but must pursue the dreams I have and can do.

I love those moments...

I love those moments when something random happens and I have no doubt that it is God reaching out to me where I'm at. Tonight it was a tiny bubble that had escaped the dishwater and was floating along way past the time it should have been. It was like a sign of love and playfulness - a romantic gesture that only He and I would understand. I am my Beloved's and He is mine.

I love those moments of clarity when I realize that I am completely satisfied with life being just me and God. When I actually take the time to stop and put my problems (which I shouldn't even give two thoughts to) into perspective compared to God, His love for me, and my relationship with Him. Tonight I had one of those moments.

I love those moments when I can sing those lyrics that Heather Clark sings so well: "I am in love, in undivided focus." Many times that is not the case, for my focus is often in many directions, causing me to lose sight of the One I love, but as I write tonight I am able to sing those lyrics.

Addiction

I've been trying to think of something to write for the last couple hours. I've been keeping myself awake until I get something posted. I haven't been able to come up with much, but here is a short "journey through my mind":
I hate how quickly and easily I get addicted to things. I stopped playing games on facebook because I spent way too many hours playing them. My 8 year old niece invited me to an online game, probably less than a month ago, and I am very addicted already. I may need to stop playing altogether. It's not just games though. Alcohol has been one of my addictions over the years. I am getting better at keeping that under control, but still struggle on occasion. I am thankful I haven't experimented with drugs 'cause I do not doubt where that would lead me. I am curious as to why it is the "negative" things I get addicted to, but not the positive.

Shine

The last song we sang at church yesterday was Shine Jesus Shine. It has been a long time since I've heard/sung that one! I think it had been for a lot of people. There was a different atmosphere while we were singing, as if we were all transported back in time when we did not have the burdens/stresses/heaviness we feel now.

Part of the lyrics say "shine on me". I couldn't sing those lyrics when we started the song. All I could think of is that my life is not at a place where if someone were to really look at me and follow me that they would see or be drawn to Jesus. My thoughts were along the lines of "Do not shine on me, for what will be seen is not good." As we continued on with the song, however, I was reminded that while on my own I am not good, the goodness will be seen because I am covered by the Blood of the Lamb, and it is His goodness that will shine through. After that realization my thoughts were "Go ahead! Shine away!"

I do need God's light to shine on me though, to reveal those things in me that need to be changed, and to not let me keep ignoring them. This scares me, but I know it is necessary. (God, please give me the motivation and the strength to see, to listen, and to change).

Melting Point

I am humbled to the point of feeling like I'm going to melt into the floor. The fact that God uses me just as I am completely overwhelms me. The random comments people make about recognizing Christ in me boggles my mind, but also makes me so grateful. I'm beginning to understand - it's not me, but Christ who lives in me. And through this, how much more am I drawn to the Father, straining to hear Him in the midst of the noise of this world, of my own mind. This is when true priorities take over and time spent in the presence of the Father is desired and taken before all else. As the noise fades into the background, the Father's voice is heard clearly, "I love you."

Communion

I checked my voicemail when I got home today, and had a message from somebody at my church. She asked if I was going to the Tenebrae service tomorrow night and if I was if I would be interested in helping serve Communion.

I love the sacrament of Communion. I am humbled by the very word. It became more meaningful to me while I was going to Bible College. I remember one year, probably my 3rd year, we were all sitting in the cafeteria sharing Communion at each table. That was the first time I had led anyone in Communion and I was honored to do so.

I remember those words: "The Lord Jesus, on the night He was betrayed, took bread, and when He had given thanks He broke it and said, 'This is my body, which is for you. Do this in remembrance of me.' The same way He took the cup saying, 'This cup is the new covenant in my blood. Do this whenever you drink it in remembrance of me.' For whenever you eat this bread and drink this cup, you proclaim the Lord's death until He comes."

Thank You Lord for Your sacrifice. May we honor You through the Sacrament of Communion.

Me & Haiti

I sit here in the peaceful silence; just a few clocks ticking and a few vehicles driving by on the streets below. It is strange sitting here like this, knowing the disaster that has fallen upon Haiti. Thousands are dead, and thousands injured. I have seen coverage of it on the news, and it has moved me, but I did not really grasp the intensity of it until I thought of how the same tragedy would look here. It has been said that the death toll (50,000 as of 12 hours ago) could reach 200,000. That is more than the population of Abbotsford. I cannot imagine that this place where I have spent the majority of my life could cease to exist in a matter of 30 seconds. I cannot imagine the cries of pain coming out from underneath piles of debris. I cannot imagine being caught under that debris, crying out, not knowing if anyone will be able to get me out. I cannot imagine losing my family and friends just like that. I cannot imagine the cries of agony and terror of parents who have lost their children. I see bits and pieces of people's reactions on tv, but there would be nothing like living through it myself. My heart aches for the people of Haiti, and for people who had/have loved ones in Haiti. I cannot bring myself to turn on the tv, to see the devastation. It would be too overwhelming right now. Instead, I sit here, wondering what I can do to be involved in a hands-on environment. There must be something...

Be silent, be still

I came here and started writing a dialogue, except that one side of the conversation was not written, only implied. It was very strange to have that come to me the way it did. I have saved it, in case one day I know what to do with it, but for now...well, here I am, finally writing something after 3.5 months of absence.

I noticed last week, in the midst of my own excitement, that many others also seemed excited (or at least their facebook statuses made it seem that way!). I began to wonder if there really was a new excitement bursting through the pain, anger, and sorrow that is often running rampant. Finally, a new shift in life? But now I am beginning to wonder if it was just due to the weather. Now that fall is here and winter is trying to make an early start, the excitement seems to have been shot down. There is still a little here and there, but it is being overcome by busyness.
Let us take time to slow down in the midst of it all. Walk among the trees, sit by the water, enjoy a warm beverage, and be still. Let us not be overcome by the rush of life, but instead let us close our eyes for a moment and just be.