At one point I was in the midst of reading 3 books (Christy, How to be a Canadian, and The Jesus I Never Knew), but I have finished the 1st 2 and still have a decent amount left in the 3rd. And then of course I bought a 3-part series which I will begin soon enough.

I was trying to figure out student loan stuff today and found out that I would be at least $2000 short if I were to take the CERTESL program while doing my internship. I decided to call Danielle to figure things out, and boy how things have changed! First, only 9 credits are needed for eligibility for F/T studies, meaning I only have to take 1 class each semester. Second, I am now registered in History of Christianity in Canada for 1st semester and Art History for the winter mini-semester. It is weird for me to be excited about taking history classes because I used to hate them. But the influence of others, including having Brian as a teacher, over the last 3 years has given me a new perspective on things so that I actually want to learn about all kinds of history.
After making this decision about school (or having it made for me), I feel as though a burden has been lifted off me. I am excited about this school year even more because I believe I will have more time to do what I love to do most: get to know people!

Well, let's see...
In the last 2 weeks, I've gone home for a visit, gone to see a couple movies, cut back my hours at one job (I've only got 5 shifts left), visited with the Belize team, finished reading Christy (so good!), continued looking at teaching ESL positions (ie. with OM and what not), went to Lethbridge this past Saturday and Sunday, bought an FM Transmitter for my car so I can finally listen to CDs (wish I had known about this sooner!), recognized the need and opportunity to write letters to some people, and have had some interesting conversations/thought provoking questions to keep my mind alert regarding some important issues. I was told to expect to be at work till between 3 and 5 every morning (starting at 4 in the afternoon) for the next 3 weeks. It'll be good overtime, but that's a little extreme. Oh well, maybe it won't be that bad...and if it is, I'm sure my body will adjust to it.
Happy Belated Canada Day and Happy 4th of July!

Well, between my talk with Coralee last night(/this morning) and church this morning, my mind and heart have been overflowing once again concerning youth. I have always had a desire to work with teens. I hear people say so many times that, yes, youth have problems, but they aren't important problems, that when they are older they will look back and see how trivial those problems were or else they will not even remember some of them. Sure, maybe it is a "stage" that most teenagers go through, but the physical, emotional, and spiritual state that they are in at any given time is extremely important. In fact, I believe their experiences and how they work through these things at this age and into their early 20s have dramatic life changing results. We have gotten a lot better by giving our youth a voice and encouraging them to do great things, yet we do not seem as willing to try to understand them and support them as they walk through their own daily trials/battles. I was thinking about how, ya, there may be organizations and people to help youth, but I do not see enough people really reaching out and letting the youth know that they really care about them and that they want to be there to support them and give them some direction.

63 DAYS TILL MY LAST DAY OF WORK!!! The cleaning job I knew would be fine, but I wasn't sure about VersaCold because when I took the job, they wanted me to commit to the end of August, but I asked about it today and they are fine with August 19th being my last day. I am SO EXCITED!!! 63 days...wow...seems so short saying it that way compared to saying a couple months!

A couple weeks ago, my boss at the cleaning job told me that I wasn't going to be cleaning one of the houses anymore because they are REALLY picky. I was fine with this 'cause it gave me a morning off for a change. I guess she cleaned the place yesterday and there was a note there saying that when I cleaned it, it was like I flipped over a mat and then left. I don't know what that was all about 'cause I knew they were picky so I took extra care with their place...and I don't think it takes 4 hours to flip over a mat, though I've never tried jsut doing that. Anyways, this morning my boss told me that she was siding with me 'cause she knows my work and so she cancelled that client all together.

I took my car in to get fixed this morning. Haven't heard anything back yet. Thankfully I made other arrangements to get to work today. I just hope I can still get my car today or tomorrow (even though they won't be open) and that it doesn't cost too much.

Some people were talking at work last night about volunteering at places that help the homeless, etc. But they were saying how that a certain Christian place won't take non-Christian volunteers. I just sat there quietly, not knowing what I thought about it and not knowing what to say. The more I thought about it, however, the clearer things became to me. While I understand this organization's reasoning (they want the people they help to understand they are being helped by God, and the people who volunteer there can point the people in the right direction). But the fact that this place (and probably others) is turning away volunteers because they are not Christians leaves those turned down with another reason to not want anything to do with Christianity. If non-Christian volunteers are able to work with the Christian volunteers, perhaps each "side" will be able to better understand the other. The non-Christians may or may not accept Christ, but the Christian volunteers will be pushed in finding out just how real their faith is to them. Why should we stop non-Christians from helping others? What is our reason behind helping other people? I say "we" and "our" because these people are my family in Christ. I do not like the reputation this family is getting because of the actions of certain members in it. There are some times when it is right to be rejected because of our faith, but this situation is not one of those times!

Engagements, weddings, babies...it's not even me and I don't know if I can handle it all!!!

Anyways...I'm thinking of teaching ESL back home in Abbotsford for a year or 2 so I can gain some experience (an keep up with those friendships) before going to teach overseas and before returning to school again. We shall see though.

I have been wanting more time and God has been giving it to me. I am so thankful.

Well, Brad and Angelina are just going to have to wait until tomorrow. At least I hope it's only until tomorrow.
I did not have a good wakeup call this morning, well, it was okay, but it was too early. I was so tired, I just about couldn't even move to pick up the phone. And unfortunately I couldn't get back to sleep afterwards.
Christian Bookstores tend to be a major downfall for me. I went to one this morning and ended up spending just over $90!!! But it was worth it:)
I am so tired, but I have to leave for work in like an hour:( I hope we get out really early tonight. Around 9pm would be good! Last Friday it was around 10pm or 10:30pm. We shall see. Adiós! (Wow...I just realized I was posting at this time last night!).

Well, it is 2:02am and I don't feel like going to sleep.

I am really cold right now...mostly my fingers and my toes.

I have heard a number of people say that they think Christ is coming back soon. I'm not sure what I think about that. I mean, sure it's nearer than any other previous time, but they are making it sound like it's tomorrow or something. Now, I'm all for that: if Christ wants to come back, then it's the right time and I have no problem with His return. But I can't stop thinking of the many people over the centuries who have believed Christ's return would happen in their lifetime, and yet it did not.

You know who I've been admiring as of late? Paul. So often I think to myself, "I'm only human. I make mistakes. I don't want people to follow me because I don't want to lead them astray, since I am not as Christ-like as I should be (or want to be). But Paul was confident in the life he was living. He knew that he was following Christ and setting a good example for others. Someone else I admire: David, "a man after God's own heart". David was always real before his God. He went to Him during all stages of his life.
I am tired of saying: "I want to spend time with God." or "I know I should pray more." or "I need to seek God's face." I can't just keep saying these things. The only thing that will make a difference is actually doing these things!

I am still being continually blessed! While I was near the start of my shift yesterday, I started talking with a couple of the girls who work on the daytime shift. Turns out they are both Christians. One of them, Rachel, has been working there for a few years I think, and the other one (Sherry-Lynn I think is her name) just started yesterday or the day before. It is so nice to be able to meet new people who are close in age to me. A couple of the girls (Rachel and Jamie) are 26 and a few of the guys are 27, but the 3 ladies I directly work with are 50, 54, and 57. That surprised me 'cause I thought they were in their late 30s - early 40s! I think I'm the youngest person working at that place (so weird going from being one of the oldest at school to the youngest at work).

I got my transcript back from school on Monday. I am so excited! I did better in my classes this past semester than in any of my previous semesters. I knew I learned how to think!!! (Now I just need to learn how to talk well and it'll be all good!).

Well, now it's 2:41am and I still don't want to go to sleep, but I guess I should anyways. I'm planning on going to see Mr & Mrs Smith tomorrow afternoon. SO EXCITED!!!

Goodnight.

1. God is good.
2. Italy...I wanna go!
3. The rain is subsiding:)
4. Stupid bad dreams (mainly involving car accidents, but other stuff as well) not stopping!
5. Still not setting my priorities straight (ie. not giving God my time).
6. Got full damage deposit back:)
7. Did better in my classes this past semester than any other:)
8. Excited to go home in 17 days!
9. Anxious to get back to school.
10. Gotta go to work now.

This really stood out to me today, so I decided to share it with you:

Psalm 19

For the director of music. A psalm of David.

1 The heavens declare the glory of God;
the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
2 Day after day they pour forth speech;
night after night they display knowledge.

3 There is no speech or language
where their voice is not heard.

4 Their voice goes out into all the earth,
their words to the ends of the world.
In the heavens he has pitched a tent for the sun,

5 which is like a bridegroom coming forth from his pavilion,
like a champion rejoicing to run his course.

6 It rises at one end of the heavens
and makes its circuit to the other;
nothing is hidden from its heat.

7 The law of the LORD is perfect,
reviving the soul.
The statutes of the LORD are trustworthy,
making wise the simple.

8 The precepts of the LORD are right,
giving joy to the heart.
The commands of the LORD are radiant,
giving light to the eyes.

9 The fear of the LORD is pure,
enduring forever.
The ordinances of the LORD are sure
and altogether righteous.

10 They are more precious than gold,
than much pure gold;
they are sweeter than honey,
than honey from the comb.

11 By them is your servant warned;
in keeping them there is great reward.

12 Who can discern his errors?
Forgive my hidden faults.

13 Keep your servant also from willful sins;
may they not rule over me.
Then will I be blameless,
innocent of great transgression.

14 May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing in your sight,
O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.

Well, I totally lost it at work (cleaning) this morning. It was about an hour into my shift and I just sat on the people's couch and started crying. They had The Blue Day Book sitting on the table, so I went through that. This is the first time that book has not brought a smile to my face. I couldn't stop crying. I went on with my cleaning, with tears running down my face. The crying lasted for about an hour, but even when I was done crying, I still had (and have) this sad/lost/empty/lonely feeling that is consuming me. One more shift to go for the day. Friday's are usually pretty slow, so hopefully we can get out of there by 9 or 10 tonight.

Earlier this week I realized I was trying to gain the approval of one of the guys at work. (Now, we don't work in the same office, but we work the same shift). (And I'll just straighten things out first...I don't "like" him, he has a long time gf, and he's not a Christian). He reminds me so much of my brother, so I think that is why I was trying to gain his approval. So on Wednesday I was just "soaring" when I realized I had gotten it. I feel respected by him now.
It was really weird last night. I was sitting at my desk, entering stuff into the system, when I became completely overwhelmed and just wanted to take a break or go to bed and cry. It wasn't the work...I still like that...I just got overemotional. And there wasn't time to take a break, so I stayed at my desk and forced the tears back.
I am so happy it is Friday. 2 places to work at, then a couple days to sleep and recover.
Things are going so-so with me and God. It's more like this:
Me: God, please tell me..., please show me....
God: I'm trying, but you're not taking the time to listen or to see.

I know I'm behind the times, but...
I GET TO WATCH THE 2 HOUR ALIAS EPISODE TOMORROW AND THE SEASON FINALE NEXT SUNDAY!!!

Today has been one of my more productive days off. I read a couple chapters in "The Jesus I Never Knew" and tidied up my room this morning and did some yard work / gardening this afternoon. My hands hurt.
I am really looking forward to going home. I think I'm going to see if I can book a dentist appointment for that Friday morning. This summer is the last time I am covered by my mom's dental plan and I like our dentist, so I wanna get it done there while I can.
(Sad, I know, but I started the countdown today). 84-96 days till I can return to Eston for another year! (Depends on when my last day at work is. I'm going to try to get to the Staff Retreat, but we shall see).
Well, I'm hungry. I'm going to go see what's happening with supper. Adiós!

Sorry this is so long. I tried to post it on another site, but could not. I don't want to lose it, so I figured I'd post it here.

Well, this is the second time I have worked on this, so we shall see what happens. Hopefully a bunch of this won't get deleted again. (Ha Ha! It deleted the whole thing this time, but I learned my lesson and copied it before doing anything! Third time's a charm???).

I know I was supposed to have been working on looking at myself, but that hasn't been going so well. Thankfully God has been gracious enough to give me a topic to focus on, which will inevitably make me take an honest look at my life: Pride. I hate pride! It is a form of self-protection that deceives even ourselves. It is the battle of all battles. It goes right to the core of each of us. Pride was the cause of the fall of man and continues to be the barrier between us and God.

It is late and I am tired, so I am just going to leave you with this list of some verses that deal with pride and humility. Please note that I have narrowed this list down to 23 from 177. Some of these I will edit at a later time so as to include my thoughts on some of these verses and my reason for using them.

2 Kings 22:19
Because your heart was responsive and you humbled yourself before the LORD when you heard what I have spoken against this place and its people, that they would become accursed and laid waste, and because you tore your robes and wept in my presence, I have heard you, declares the LORD.

2 Chronicles 7:14
if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land.

2 Chronicles 12:7
When the LORD saw that they humbled themselves, this word of the LORD came to Shemaiah: "Since they have humbled themselves, I will not destroy them but will soon give them deliverance. My wrath will not be poured out on Jerusalem through Shishak.

2 Chronicles 26:16
But after Uzziah became powerful, his pride led to his downfall. He was unfaithful to the LORD his God, and entered the temple of the LORD to burn incense on the altar of incense.

2 Chronicles 34:27
Because your heart was responsive and you humbled yourself before God when you heard what he spoke against this place and its people, and because you humbled yourself before me and tore your robes and wept in my presence, I have heard you, declares the LORD.

Psalm 10:4
In his pride the wicked does not seek him; in all his thoughts there is no room for God.

Psalm 25:9
He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.

Psalm 101:5
Whoever slanders his neighbor in secret, him will I put to silence; whoever has haughty eyes and a proud heart, him will I not endure.

Proverbs 8:13
To fear the LORD is to hate evil; I hate pride and arrogance, evil behavior and perverse speech.

Proverbs 11:2
When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.

Proverbs 13:10
Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.

Isaiah 13:11
I will punish the world for its evil, the wicked for their sins. I will put an end to the arrogance of the haughty and will humble the pride of the ruthless.

Jeremiah 13:17
But if you do not listen, I will weep in secret because of your pride; my eyes will weep bitterly, overflowing with tears, because the LORD's flock will be taken captive.

Jeremiah 49:16
The terror you inspire and the pride of your heart have deceived you, you who live in the clefts of the rocks, who occupy the heights of the hill. Though you build your nest as high as the eagle's, from there I will bring you down," declares the LORD.

Daniel 10:12
Then he continued, "Do not be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day that you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard, and I have come in response to them.

Hosea 13:6
When I fed them, they were satisfied; when they were satisfied, they became proud; then they forgot me.

Matthew 23:12
For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.

Romans 12:16
Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. [ Or willing to do menial work] Do not be conceited.

1 Corinthians 13:4
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

Ephesians 4:2
Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.

Philippians 2
[ Imitating Christ's Humility ]

Philippians 2:3
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.

4 WEEKS TILL I'M IN ABBOTSFORD!!!

I get to go home for a weekend. I booked my flight today. I am so excited!!! I miss my family and friends.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths."

[Edit: This entry did not take the direction I thought it would. I almost didn't post it, but I believe it is good to post, at least for me if no one else.]
It is very rare that I remember my dreams, so I am a little disconcerted with the fact that the last 3 teams I have slept, I have remembered my dreams, and they have been about death. These dreams have been about the death of family members, friends, and myself. I don't like it. It hurts too much to even think about. However, it is good because it helps me to face reality and causes me to pray more. And as I pray for the different situations and think about how I would respond in the face of such a tragedy, I am learning more and more what it means to trust God and to give the people I love so much over to Him. During these times, I am also reminded of the wonderful people He has brought into my life, of the times we have had together, of the memories we share. There was a point when I did not know if I could or would want to live without some of these people, but I have grown in my dependence on God, and, while I know that I will be hurting very deeply if they die before I do, I know that I will make it through, that God will be there, that He will be faithful then as He always has been. I do not want any of these people whom I love so dearly to die before me, but I know that it is a possibility. If I were to give up on God during such a time, the relationship I have with these people would have no meaning because these relationships are from God and He has challenged me greatly through them all. There are a at least 3 families I know of whom I would say they have gone through Job-like trials and have reamined faithful to God. I look up to these people. I respect them greatly. I am encouraged by their faithfulness. And I can only pray that if I am struck with as much tragedy or less tragedy than these people, that I too will remain faithful to my God.

Whenever I drive to and from my morning job, I pass 2 Tim Horton's. This morning as I drove by the first one, there were vehicles lined up into the street. I decided I would blog about either the craziness of so many people wanting Tim Horton's or the lack of space for vehicles to line up. As I continued on, I passed the 2nd Tim Horton's...same situation. This got me thinking of how often I used to go to Tim Horton's and how I had only been to one since moving to Calgary and that it wasn't even one here that I went to...I went to the one in Strathmore on my way back from Eston last weekend! I drove to work, then cleaned a house on my own (1st time). I was so hot, sweaty, and tired when I was finished!!! So on my way home, I stopped at the bank to put my pay check plus $50 on my visa, then stopped at the Tim Horton's closest to home. I think I have found one of my favorite meals! I got a Toasted Chicken Club sandwich combo with a medium icecap and a boston cream donut. I should have gone for a large icecap though...especially after this morning's hard work! I was almost finished the icecap by the time I got home! But, man, that Toasted Chicken Club was so good! One thing I lean towards when ordering at restaurants is a clubhouse sandwich. It's been one of my favorites for many years. I often compare restaurants based on their clubhouse, and I do not think I have had better than the one I had today! Anyways, I'm not getting paid for this advertising, so I'm gonna stop now. Gotta get my stuff together for work for tonight. I am so excited for the long-weekend! I don't think I've ever looked more forward to one in my life! I might be getting off work early again tonight, I get to hang out with Coralee this weekend, I get to see the Spain team, Kristin's staying over for the weekend, and we might be going to Calaway Park on Sunday!!!

I was reading Genesis 18 yesterday and found something that I am not too sure how to take. It says, "The Lord appeared to Abraham...." "Abraham looked up and saw three men standing nearby." The options I came up with are: the 3 are Jesus and 2 others, Abraham fully recognized the Trinity, Abraham recognized God through the men, the 3 were representatives of God, or something else. After I kept reading, it seems as though the 1st option works the best, but what do you think?

Well, I have started another job. So now I am working approx. 9am-1pm (cleaning houses) and 4pm-12:30am (data entry) M-F. I need to take naps in between, but it's all good. I finished early tonight though. I am very happy. And I am also happy because I don't have to work at either job next Monday. God has been blessing me left, right, and centre since I have come to Calgary. I am constantly amazed at how He works and how He provides. Well, I guess it's bedtime. Adiós!

Man, that pride! Gets me every time!!!

Your Deadly Sins

Pride: 40%

Greed: 20%

Sloth: 20%

Envy: 0%

Gluttony: 0%

Lust: 0%

Wrath: 0%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 11%

You will become famous - and subsequently killed by a stalker.

How Sinful Are You?

2 things that came out of my conversation with Coralee last night:

1. Re: my last post, Coralee brought up the fact that the ground must still be cursed or else there wouldn't be weeds and thistles and what not to deal with.
2.We talked about some previous conversations and it made me realize, yet again, how much I love just sitting around, talking with people, asking each other random questions.

Well, off to work, then off to Eston! Adiós!

I was reading Genesis 6-8 this morning (the account of the flood) and I noticed something I had not noticed before:
In the middle of 8:21, God says, "Never again will I curse the ground because of man, even though every inclination of his heart is evil from childhood."
So in Genesis 3:17, God curses the ground because of Adam, but under Noah it is no longer cursed. That's what I got out of it this morning anyways.
Well, off to work. Have a good day!

For some strange reason, God won't stop talking to me about discipline :P

I was reading an article called "Soul Building". It's on the disciplines of freedom (abstinence, simplicity, and stillness), fortitude (meditation, prayer, and reticence), and focus (stability and worship).

In this article, the author explains what each discipline is, reasons why a person may want to practice it, what it looks like in practice, some indicators that a person might need the discipline, and how to get started.
Throughout the article, the author uses Scripture and teachings from some ancient desert Christians as further reference for each discipline.
The author's aim is to teach people about the disciplines and to get them to seek God to find out which discipline would be best to do for now.

That's one of the exciting things about this article. The author shows the disciplines to be a blessing, not a burden. And he assures his readers that a person can follow through with the disciplines with God's grace, that it is good for a person to observe each discipline in moderation, that not everyone's standards for discipline should be the same, that we shouldn't judge people in their discipline, and that it takes practice to build these habits.

I love my job :) Hopefully I'll still feel this way in a few months. I'm cleaning houses. I like to clean...It gives me a sense of accomplishment and purpose. And my boss is really cool. She's there, but she's not hovering. I really like her standards...I will enjoy working for her. She said she likes how I work and wants to give me as much work as she can. And it'll be pretty easy to get time off when I need it, so that's good. And I'm being paid as a contractor, so I don't get anything taken off my checks! And (man, with all these "And"s I sound like Mark in the Gospel he wrote) because for the most part I'm done around 1pm, that leaves plenty of time to work at another job. I have an interview at 5pm on Wednesday at London Drugs for a cashier position.

My eye won't stop twitching...it's been happening since yesterday morning! DOGGONE NOT GETTING ENOUGH SLEEP!!!!!

Anyways, I'm hungry. I'm gonna go have lunch. Adiós!

I GOT A JOB!!! (Thank You, God. And thank you everyone else for your prayers). It's a P/T cleaning job (houses and offices I think) working for a lady who went to FGBI. I start training Monday morning. So strange how things work out for me.... Most jobs I have had are not ones I have applied for, they've been through connections. This one is no different. I find it so weird how I can apply at so many places, yet the place I get a job at is not one I applied for. Oh well. God is good.

I was talking with my mom tonight and she mentioned the possibility of me becoming a psych nurse. Strange timing for her to bring it up, considering my last post. But we actually had a good conversation tonight. And I got to find out a characteristic about my mom that I didn't know before and one which makes me see some of her in me, which makes me happy. Anyways, I will be looking into becoming a psych nurse, but I definitely don't want to rush into anything!

Coralee and I are going to hangout at Cara's tonight! I'm so excited!

Please keep Charissa and Cassandra's mom in your prayers. She's got cancer (they just found out on Wednesday) and she's going in for surgery on Monday morning. And please keep the whole family in your prayers. Thank you.

HAPPY 60TH BIRTHDAY TO MY MOMMY!!!!!!!!! (Not that she'll ever be on a computer to read this).

I am still looking for a job. Things seem like they may be picking up.

I either need to stop having a fascination with people (their behavior and the ways they think) or else use this fascination to do something productive.

That's enough for now. That last post was long enough to last a week!

I am so tired of applying for jobs. I don't want to anymore. I just want to wait for the calls to come back. I'm sure I'll still keep looking though. I have an interview at Kelsey's at the airport tomorrow and another one with Diversified Staffing on Thursday. Maybe I'll get one of these jobs and then I won't have to look anymore!

I had quite the (unintentional) tour of Calgary today...I was taking my car in to get it fixed this morning, but I missed one of my turn-offs, which just happened to be the last one for a really long time. I eventually got turned around and took the right exit, but apparently by taking the exit on this side, I had already completed some of the directions I was following. So there I was, driving along, looking for a road to make a left turn onto, when lo and behold I end up in Chinatown! Now this wasn't so bad...it reminded me of Vancouver. And it's not the fancy new part of the city, so I got to see some of the older, cool looking buildings that I like so much. I ended up stopping at this park to look at my map and realized that I wasn't too far away from where I needed to be. So I got it all straightened out and got my car in. Now, what should have taken me about 15 minutes to get there, took me a little over an hour. The guy at the shop gave me 2 transit tickets...one to get home and the other to get back to my car. He showed me where the C-train station was and sent me on my way. I got off the C-train and proceeded to the bus. I wasn't sure if I was... (woah. déjà vu. sorry. anyways)
...supposed to take the 79 or the 80, but thankfully there were some nice people there to help me out. I got home and awaited my phone call. Now, I've been told it's not that bad (the price I had to pay for my car), but when I have no income and have to rely on an already high debt visa, $300 is a lot. However, my car is working SO much better now! And as long as I get a pay check (or a reasonable amount of money God ends up dropping in my lap) by June 8th, I'll be able to make it.

I got to play badminton with Coralee last night. I had so much fun! I haven't played since either early high school or else elementary school, but it's all good 'cause we were just trying to see how long we could rally. The most we got to, however, was 31. That's not that bad, but I think it could have been better if we didn't have the ever changing wind. It was good to be outside though. And Coralee had a period of time at school when we would just goof off playing pingpong and foosball and the piano and what not. We hadn't done anything like that for so long. It was nice. I think I'm getting old though...after diving a few times and getting nice grass stains on my jeans, I didn't have the energy to keep it up. we still played for a while, but I just had no motivation at times.

I want to watch a movie again. I watched First Wives Club last Wednesday and Sound of Music on the weekend, but I wanna see something else. And it's kinda frustrating 'cause I don't enjoy movies as much when I don't have my close friends (or more specifically my close movie-watching friends) with me when I watch them.

I really miss school...everything about it. The people, the assignments, the small town life, the challenges, and the encouragement (though I still get these last 2 via msn, email, previous notes, and God).

Hm...I'm talking with a friend on msn right now. Our conversation has brought to mind the frustration I have with not feeling like I'm being honest with myself...like I don't know myself. I know a lot of people find freedom and themselves when they journal or whatever, but I do not. Or if I do, it might be once a year. But usually this is as in depth as I go. Arg! God, please help me!!! I am always so different than everybody else! I don't want to be the same as everyone else, but I don't want to be as different from them as I often seem to be! Do I? ... I often wonder if I should go for counseling to see if there's something that is stopping me from being honest with myself. But I mean, I've asked God and He hasn't seemed to have thought it important for me, so I don't know.

Anyways...I've gone on long enough. Adiós!

These are so beautiful, I just had to post them to share them with the rest of you :)

I'm not using specifics for his protection. Please pray for "our friend" as he is in China. Something has happened, but he cannot say what. He will be flying home (home or "home" I am not sure) on Wednesday.

SO FUNNY...K, this was talking about small town USA, but a lot of it works for Canada too, well, in SK anyways...

You Know You're From a Small Town When...

The "road hog" in front of you on Main Street is a farmer's combine. The local phone book has only one yellow page. Third Street is on the edge of town. You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it's still there, on the same chair. You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're going, anyway. No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished. You call a wrong number and they supply you with the correct one. Everyone knows all the news before it's published; they just read the hometown paper to see whether the publisher got it right. The city limits signs are both on the same post! The City jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell. The McDonalds only has one Golden Arch. The one-block-long Main Street dead ends in both directions. Second Street is in the next town over. There's no place to go that you shouldn't. A "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes. The mayor had to annex property to eat a foot-long hot dog. The New Year's baby was born in October. Running from the cops consists of hiding in the cornfield. You have to name six surrounding towns to explain to people where you're from. You have to drive five miles out in the country to smoke a cigarette. Headline news is who grew the biggest vegetable this year. There is no point in high-school reunions because everyone knows what everyone else is doing anyway. Driving cars up and down the main drag is a universal high school experience. You can name everyone you graduated with. You know what 4-H is. You ever went to parties at a pasture, barn, or in the middle of a dirt road. You said the 'f' word and your parents knew within the hour. You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn't - same goes with the game warden. You ever went cow-tipping or snipe hunting. School gets canceled for state sporting events. You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were and if you were old enough, they would still tell your folks. When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy cigarettes, you still had to go out to the country and drive back roads to smoke them. You were ever in the Homecoming parade. You have ever gone home for Homecoming. It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town. You had senior skip day. The whole school went to the same party after graduation. You don't give directions by street names or references (turn by Nelson's house, go two blocks to the Anderson's turn left and it's four houses left of the football field). The golf course had only 9 holes You can't help but date a friend's ex-girlfriend. Your car stays filthy because of the dirt roads, and you will never own a dark vehicle for this reason. You think kids that ride skateboards are weird. The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snooty" but is actually just like your town. Getting paid minimum wage is considered a great job. You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980 as "rich" people. The people in the city dress funny, then you pick up on the trend a few years later. You bragged to your friends because you got pipes on your truck for your birthday. Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store. You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town. Football coaches suggest that you haul hay for the summer to get stronger. Directions are given using "the" stop light as a reference The city council meets at the coffee shop. Your letter jacket was worn after your 19th birthday. You have ever taken a trailer or dog to school on a daily basis. Weekend excitement involves a trip to the grocery store. Even the ugly people enter beauty contests. You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask if you need a ride. Your teachers call you by your older siblings names. Your teachers remember when they taught your parents. You can charge at all the local stores. The closest McDonald's is 45 miles away. So is the closest mall. It is normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawn mower. Everyone who played sports had to play on every type of team, or there wouldn't be enough people to have a team. Being able to hit a road sign with a beer bottle while driving down the highway is considered a necessary skill. A cool vehicle had big tires or a bad-ass stereo. You can remember when your town finally got cable. Driving to the party on a four wheeler is quite normal. You thought the 30-year-old guy that still was at all the parties was cool. The town population increases by one-third when the universities go on break. The best burgers in town are at the rink. You know exactly where to go when the party is at "the lake". You lost your virginity at a bush party. You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from a small town.

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Well, I finally ventured out of the house today. Coralee and I met up with Cara and Bo-Yeun at Chinook Centre for shopping, a surprise birthday dinner for Bo-Yeun, and more shopping. We then went to DQ for blizzards, then to Cara's house for a movie. We watched The First Wives Club. It was pretty good. I'd give it about a 7.5/10. We got outside and realized it had been snowing. On Monday I put my brush and scraper in my trunk thinking that I would not have to use it again until Novemberish. I hope it doesn't stick around...all my winter clothes are in Eston! The drive home was definitely not as crazy as the drive to the mall and to Cara's...much less traffic at half past midnight. Anyways, I've got my interview in 11 hours. I guess I should get to bed.

Well, after stopping for a nice dinner in Strathmore last night, we made it home around 9pm. I just about caused an accident because I was expecting our turn-off to be on the right, but eventually Coralee told me it was on the left. It was close, but we made it. I don't mind city driving, but I h.ate driving when I don't know where I'm going. After we unloaded the car, Coralee's mom was giving me a run down on a few things, the I got to ask what seems to be one of the most awkward questions to ask and to answer..."So, what should I call you guys?" She talked it over with her husband and they decided that I am to call them by their first name. After this and a little more conversation, Coralee and I played Travel Tribond Kids. I was not very good at that game to start with...and I kept getting "Go back one space" while Coralee kept getting "Move ahead one space". Eventually things evened out and I started to catch up, but she still came out on top. I got all of my stuff unpacked and organized this morning. I still feel a little out of place here...especially since I have not familiarized myself with things around the house. Today's plans: call some FGBCers and hang out. Gee...sounds like tomorrow's plans too. I have my interview on Thursday. Please pray for me if you get the chance.

I'm doing okay with the people who are returning next year, but for a few of those who aren't I am having a hard time with. I am going to miss some of them SO much! They have been a big part of my life this year and they will always have a piece of my heart.

I am so scared to move to Calgary. It is so big and very unfamiliar. I can picture myself hiding out in my room for the first week, until I adjust to my new surroundings, at least a little anyways. Sure I have visited my new home a few times, but I have never lived there. I am going to be entering the home of a family who has been together for over 20 years. They know how each other works. They know what to expect from each other. They know the ins and outs of daily life with one another. Though they are being so gracious to me in opening up their home to me for the summer, and as loving and hospitable as this family is, I am not in familiar territory and that does not sit well with me.

I am already feeling overwhelmed. I just want to retreat back to my familiar surroundings: people, places, etc. But I know that is not what is right. God is making me grow up, which I have said that I wanted to do, but now that it is happening, it terrifies me. A new city, home, job, family, church....I am trying to trust God in this. I have to. I know without a doubt that I cannot do this on my own.

I love reading past journal entries. I am encouraged to see all that God has brought me through and to see how much I have learned and matured over time. Unlike these blogs, you can feel more free to write what you want. Sure, there's the possibility of someone reading it, but a wise woman once said to me, "What's the worst that could happen [if someone reads your journal]? They get to know the real you."

I took a learning test...these are my results:

Tactile Learner 40%
Visual Learner 38%
Auditory Learner 22%


Visual Learners:

use visual materials such as pictures, charts, maps, graphs, etc.
have a clear view of your teachers when they are speaking so you can see their body language and facial expression
use colour to highlight important points in text
take notes or ask your teacher to provide handouts
illustrate your ideas as a picture or brainstorming bubble before writing them down
write a story and illustrate it
use multi-media (e.g. computers, videos, and filmstrips)
study in a quiet place away from verbal disturbances
read illustrated books
visualize information as a picture to aid memorization


Auditory Learners:

participate in class discussions/debates
make speeches and presentations
use a tape recorder during lectures instead of taking notes
read text out aloud
create musical jingles to aid memorization
create mnemonics to aid memorization
discuss your ideas verbally
dictate to someone while they write down your thoughts
use verbal analogies, and story telling to demonstrate your point


Tactile/Kinesthetic Learners

take frequent study breaks
move around to learn new things (e.g. read while on an exercise bike, mold a piece of clay to learn a new concept)
work at a standing position
chew gum while studying
use bright colors to highlight reading material
dress up your work space with posters
if you wish, listen to music while you study
skim through reading material to get a rough idea what it is about before settling down to read it in detail.

Well, I had my last FGBC class yesterday. I didn't realize it until Dean said, "And for those of you who this is your last class at FGBC, it is a good way to end [...with Revelation class]." I put it off as much as I could...I sat in on Dean's very last class this morning: NT Survey-->Revelation. Still a good way to end my classes. I can't believe I only have 3 exams and my internship left. There is so much that can be done in this short amount of time known as a year. I am finally out of the mindset that "I only have "x" amount of time left and into the mindset of "I still have "x" amount of time left in which to do things." Changing to this mindset has helped me to accomplish many more things that are important to me (ie. things with relationships). Anyways, I'm off to continue reading "Byzantium".

On Saturday morning I was in bed with my window open and had a cool (as in cold) wind flowing through my room. I began to contemplate wind. What is its purpose? For a few minutes I could not think of any. I mean, it's cold (well, this one anyways), it blows your hair and papers all over the place...I guess it causes decent waves for surfers and what not. But anyways, I concluded that a major purpose of wind is to show the power of God. This is the only reason why I like a strong wind. This is also why I love thunderstorms. They show the power, majesty, and beauty of God.

I have really been convicted lately about the way I live my life. There is so much truth that I have learned over the years and that I believe, yet I do not live my life in a way that demonstrates my beliefs...at least not to the extent that I want to. I am struggling with surrendering my life to God. It doesn't matter how often I say that I want to completely surrender to Him, I just can't seem to do it. I go back and forth between knowing that I can't do this in my own strength, but only by the Spirit, and yet God has given me a free will and I need to make the choice to give everything over to Him.

I had such a good time at church yesterday. We sang mostly older songs like "Ancient of Days", "Celebrate Jesus Celebrate", "Awesome God", "I Believe in Jesus", etc. These are the songs that we were singing at my old church and youth group when I started going back to church. It was really good to worship God through those songs again.

I don't think I can do it! I want to be here for the whole year next year! I have fallen in love with the community of this place and I forgot just how much until this morning.

Oh and by the way...our testimonies went well this morning.

I ended up being signed up for some strange dating site that, as far as I know, I didn't sign up for, so I went through and changed my passwords this morning. Fun stuff :P

There are 2 of us sharing our testimonies in Community Group this morning. In less than 1/2 an hour actually. I have yet to decide what I am going to share! As much as I love these gi.rls, I was definitely spoiled by the closeness of last year's Community Group.

I am contemplating working during 1st semester as well next year, then coming back here to do my internship. We shall see how things go. It is very up in the air right now.

Well, I better go figure out what to say this morning.

Friday afternoon to Now.
3 1/2 hour drive to Halkirk.
Arrive at Circle Square Ranch-->nice place.
Unpack, have supper-->good food.
Meeting.
Played Air Hockey with Cara.
Watched Finding Forrester-->glad I've seen it before 'cause I slept through it.
I think I went to bed after this-->comfy (bunk)beds.
Breakfast.
Meeting (2).
Lunch.
Meeting.
Menotr/Intern meeting-->good talk with Danielle.
Horesback riding-->FUN!
Read part of Byzantium.
Supper.
Meeting.
Free time-->read; played rummy, war, and go fish-->SO much fun! I love the guys! They're so crazy!
Bed.
Breakfast.
Meeting.
Prayer and Worship.
Lunch.
Pack.
Vaccuum.
3 1/2 hour drive to Eston.
Supper and 2 movies (which I fell asleep watching).
Bed.
Breakfast.
Computer.
There, now you're all caught up :)

I have a job interview! I've only applied at one place in Calgary (but 2 jobs at that one place) and they called me today, asked me some questions, and set up an interview for April 28th! I hope this works out because it is actually a job that I am interested in and it pays well. If you think of it, please pray.

I had a piece of a headboard fall on my head on Saturday night when I was helping somebody move. It has messed up my neck and back. Hopefully not too bad. And I get really bad headaches, very long-lasting everyday. I got x-rays done yesterday and the doctor gave me a couple prescriptions...one of which knocks me out for about 5 hours, as I found out today). The pain comes and goes, but when it comes it's usually pretty bad. I didn't think it was a big deal when it happened, but it ended up having more affect than I thought it would. I could use some prayer for that too if you don't mind.

Anyways...off to supper (mmm...steak and potatoes...mmm).

GOOD FRIDAY, HOLY SATURDAY, AND EASTER SUNDAY...

I really wish I could truly understand the gift God has given me through his Son Jesus Christ. I know that I deserve to d.ie for my sins, but I do not understand it. I do not understand the sacrifice that was made for my life. Yet this is what Good Friday is representative of. I know that Jesus Christ was resurrected on the third day, but I do not truly understand the significance of this. Yet this is what we celebrate on Easter Sunday. I have read the Bible. I have written a paper on Sin. I have been a Christian since I was 4 and a disciple of Christ since I was 16. I am in my 3rd year of Bible College. All of these things, yet I still do not understand.
God, give me understanding, yet help me to worship You in the mystery of it all.

THINK OF ME WHAT YOU WILL...

For various reasons I have decided to start watching movies again. If you really want to know what those reasons are, email me.

IN OTHER NEWS...

Danielle gets here today!!! Supposedly in about 3 hours, but I'm not holding my breath. Besides, I'll probably be at Tracy's by the time they (Danielle, Heidi, and Nigel) get here.

We get a turkey dinner for lunch tomorrow :)

3 days later...

This is so hard! There have been 4 or 5 times where I have wanted to go watch a movie already. I am so bored. I have been trying to do other things, but they just don't hold my attention like movies do. It's more difficult when there are not very many people here. And it'll be hard tomorrow because I am going to be housesitting at the place where I usually watch movies, with the person I usually watch movies with! At least I can still watch tv. I don't know if I'm gonna last long with the movie "fast". It's been like other fasts for me...backwards than for how most people say it is. I find it easy for the first 2 or 3 days, but after that it's not good. My attitude is not right with it either...yes, I'm making excuses as to why i may give up soon. Grrr!

Whether it's for a day or for a lifetime or anywhere in between I do not know, but I am not allowed to watch movies as of 5pm yesterday. I have been fighting with God over this for about a year now. I should have known He would eventually win. I did know...I just get putting it off though. Now I need to find something to occupy my time. And it can't be other forms of media or I will have to give those up as well. At first when I was making the decision to give this area of my life to God I felt like part of me was being ripped away, but not too long afterwards I had a peace about it. I hope that peace lasts when people go watch movies. I have a greater understanding of the verse that says "lead us not into temptation". Anyways, I should get going...we've got Community Group in about 15 minutes.

There has only been one time in my life where I was told to journal for 20-30 minutes (more if yo want to) without stopping. Just write whatever is in your head, even if it's "I don't know what to write." When I heard about it again last night...in a completely different context than the last time...I decided to give it a shot. I can see how it can be beneficial, so I think I will continue to try this and see what happens. It'll be good too because I have not been keeping up with my journaling very much over the last month or two.

Movies, PS2, homework, and some good friend time...welcome to my reading break!

2 pieces of exciting news in my life:

1. I taught myself how to tie a balloon today. My dad tried to teach me before, but I could never get it. I was determined today though, so I did it, and then I was so excited that I tied 5 more balloons (2 each of green, orange, and yellow).

2. I have a place to stay in Calgary for the summer! (Now I just need to find a job!).

I am thankful for the impact Stanley Grenz had on my life and will continue to have on the lives of many even after his de.ath.

Not that I like being the bearer of bad news, but...another gi.rl on my floor got a phone call on Sunday night saying that one of her friends di.ed in a car . The guy's family has to fly in from China for the funeral.

I called home on Tuesday only to find out that my dad had taken my mom to the hospital, so she had to stay in there again. Last time it was for a week and a half. We're hoping it's not as long this time and that they will move her surgery up so she can have it before May 2nd.

On the brighter side of things, my faith is becoming more firm as I have wrestled with difficult questions (not having anything to do with the posted circumstances) and my car headlight is finally going to get fixed.

Last week one of the gi.rls on my floor sound out that her cousin (who is like a sister to her) di.ed and today another gi.rl on my floor found out her grandpa di.ed. I don't know if there's anything I can do. Nothing but pray right now, seeing as both of the gi.rls have gone to be with their families.


I am looking forward to Sr. High, not only because it is always a powerful weekend, but because that will mean that decorations will be finished. It is lloking really good in here. I am so proud of everyone for the hard work they've been doing these past few days. It'll be really good to see everything finished. It will be sad to take it all down again next Monday.

There's something I'm missing. What is it? What is God trying to teach me?

God has wired me in a strange way. I make connections between things and I see things in people that a lot of other people don't even recognize . Sometimes it is not a big deal, but other times it is really serious. You know how in movies you get to see what is going on in the character's life, so you know if the character is truly happy or if they are just pretending to be having a good time? That's what I tend to be able to notice in real life. Most of the time it only comes if I am intentionally trying to pay attention to it, but sometimes it is in front of my face so clearly that I cannot help but see it. The problem is that I don't often know what to do. It can take a really long time for me to figure it out. Sometimes it is important to tell the person right away that you know, other times it is better to wait for a while, and still other times it is better not to say anything about it to the person, but just bring that person and their situation before God. I couldn't put words to it until this morning, but now that I can, I know that I need to be praying for wisdom even more than I had been, especially now that I see a greater purpose in it.

I have been so focused on the sovereignty of God, that He is in control of everything. Because of this, I have not questioned why I, or others, go through the things we do, I have just accepted these things and gone through life, from one point to the next. But I remembered something this morning, causing me to learn something that I should have learned a long time ago: We are taken through many things, that we may learn from them. If I am not questioning God as to what He is trying to teach me, I am being more like an atheist rather than a Christian. It is good that I keep God's sovereignty in mind as I live, but in recognizing that sovereignty I need to be asking Him "why?" He may tell me or He may not, but it is really difficult to learn if I'm not interested in learning.

I'm actually angry...that doesn't happen very often. Why am I angry you might ask? Because of the horrible customer service I experienced tonight. Maybe I should be more understanding seeing as they were busy and maybe they had a bad day, but it is never appropriate to tell a customer you'll get them the drink (milkshake in this case) that they ordered over 1/2 an hour ago by saying, "If I have time. Did you really want it?" Of course I want it! That's why I ordered it and came to ask you about it! GRRR! I mean, the next closest place to get one is 45 minutes away! It is something small, but I had just been having a not-so-great day as it was.

I have been seeing the power of prayer somewhat more personally this past week. I hope I don't forget this.

Here I sit: frustrated about my feelings, yet patiently waiting (desiring and thinking that they will go away). My experience has been that if I don't spend quality time with God, I get in a down mood...partially feeling like depression, yet not. I like this because I am selfish and I don't like feeling this way, so I make sure that I spend time with God. I still drag my feet on it sometimes (like last night), but I do it nonetheless. The thing is is that for the last little while I have been falling asleep whenever I "get the chance". Unfortunately, those chances seem to come when I am trying to read a (really good) book for one of my classes, when I'm trying to spend quiet time with God, and many other times. I don't know why I am tired all the time. I can go to bed at 2am or 9:30pm and still feel tired the next day. I don't understand. But I know that God is in control of everything, so I am therefore not worried about how I am feeling because I know it is not about me, contrary to many of my actions and attitudes. Anyways, we've got chapel in a bit, so I'm off.

I love spending time in the presence of God: reading His Word, bringing my requests before Him, sitting quietly listening for His voice, and being so full of admiration for my God that I cannot restrain from worshiping Him.

I am so sick of the ab.use that goes on in our world, of the fear that tends to overpower, and of the negative self-image issues. And I ha.te not being able to do anything about it! The only thing that is keeping me going is that, because I can't do anything about it, I have a growing dependence on God. All I can do is pray about it.

Stemming from my previous post...


We, the Bride of Christ, need to be ready. He is holding Himself back with a tremendous amount of self-control. He is the Groom. He loves us more than anyone else does. Think of how much someone loves you. God loves you even more. Think of how much you love someone else. God loves them even more. He is full of joy as He awaits His Bride. Just picture His wide-open, brightly shining eyes as He looks down the aisle at His beautiful Bride. He is waiting for us to be ready. He is a gentleman and will not pressure us into something we are not ready for. When He knows that the time is right, however, He will come quickly, no longer needing to restrain Himself. He's waiting for us with the greatest intensity of love. Are we ready?


To understand a little more about what it means to be ready, go to Coralou's Feb.2/05 post.

Contemplate this Psalm, especially verses 7-9.

Psalm 24
Of David. A psalm.

1 The earth is the LORD's, and everything in it,
the world, and all who live in it;

2 for he founded it upon the seas

and established it upon the waters.



3 Who may ascend the hill of the LORD ?

Who may stand in his holy place?

4 He who has clean hands and a pure heart,

who does not lift up his soul to an idol

or swear by what is false. [a]

5 He will receive blessing from the LORD

and vindication from God his Savior.

6 Such is the generation of those who seek him,

who seek your face, O God of Jacob. [b]

Selah



7 Lift up your heads, O you gates;

be lifted up, you ancient doors,

that the King of glory may come in.

8 Who is this King of glory?

The LORD strong and mighty,

the LORD mighty in battle.

9 Lift up your heads, O you gates;

lift them up, you ancient doors,

that the King of glory may come in.

10 Who is he, this King of glory?

The LORD Almighty-

he is the King of glory.

Our school is leaking. We have buckets strategically placed around the campus to catch the water. There have been at least 4 in our lounge, 2 in our cafeteria, and 2 in our library. It's nuts!

This is a letter I wrote to God during class this morning when I was unable to concentrate:


God, I’m so tired. I need your refreshing. I need Your love so I can give love. I have little energy. I’m not as nervous about our presentation today. Thank You for that. God, no matter what is happening in my life and in my world, I know that You are good and that you are in control. When I am overwhelmed by my feelings and my circumstances, I do not see You negatively at any time. I know that I do not see how things really are. You have the perfect view of everything visible and invisible. I want to come where You are. I want to see as You see. In a way, I do. You have revealed to me the hope that can only be found in You. I cannot thank You enough for loving me, for saving me and allowing me to have a relationship with You. Father God, Lord Jesus, Holy Spirit please help us. We need You here at our school. Your sheep are lost. We are hungry and we are thirsty. In our lostness, we are finding food and water, but not in the satisfying way when we are close with You. We want You. We are trying to find You, but we are scattered and are not seeking You together. A few may find You, but what about the rest of us? We cannot hear Your voice. We don’t know which way to go so we can hear. The wolves are coming near. Please come. Please show us the way. Please open our eyes to see You and our ears to hear You. Open our hearts and spirits to Your moving. Help us to stay still and wait to enter Your presence. Help us to stop running from You, but to stop and turn around and fall into Your arms in desperation and dependence, then allow You to teach us to walk again, looking to You alone for approval.

I've been thinking recently that Christianity has become too unspiritual these days. I was sitting in chapel yesterday and something came to me, so I figured I'd write about it.


I was wondering why there are so many people, including myself, don't worship God the way they want to when other people are around (this time meaning mostly during an actual service, though it definitely includes any time we don't use the gifts God has given us when we know we're supposed to). I came to the conclusion that, for myself, it is because I am so often afraid of what people will think. There's always a difficulty in trying to find a balance in the way we live. There have been enough people who have been fake while attempting to be spiritual because they are trying too hard. I have been trying to avoid being fake in the "overly spiritual" sense, but I have lost sight of the balance and have not been doing everything that God asks of me. The Pharisees were confronted with having the right outward acts, but not the right heart. We are to have both. They were being fake because their hearts were not in the right place. I do not even have all the right outward behavior that I am being convicted of in my heart. I have thought that my heart was fairly good, but the fact that I do not do what God is asking me to do makes me think differently about that.


Through conversations with a few people, I have become aware, again, of who God is asking me to be and what He is asking me to do. The key word for both of these is love. And I have been convicted yet again for not being completely real in my worship of God in chapel services. There is this one guy who does not hold back when he worships God. At first I was a little freaked out...especially when he was worshiping the same way at church where that kind of worshiping almost seems taboo. But the more it happened and the more I have thought about it, the more I admire his lack of concern for what other people think about how he worships God. He only seems to be concerned with what God thinks. When I see him worship God, I am intrigued. There is something different about him. I want that something. This is what is supposed to happen to non-Christians when they are around Christians. There is supposed to be that something that is mysterious that draws them in. I don't want to be spiritually fake in either direction. I just want to be in continual submission to God.

Today is good. Every day is good, but I especially recognize it today. Today is my niece's 2nd birthday! So weird to think of because I've been away at school for most of her life.


Also, my internship is set for next year. I will be interning at the school under Danielle (yes, Martell). I'm not exactly sure what I'll be doing, but I'll be finding out more as Danielle finds out more.


I have one more class left for today: Revelation. I am excited for that class. I used to be afraid to read Revelation because I thought it dealt with things that were too difficult for me to understand. And in a way, that is true. Then I started reading through it because of the "Left Behind" series, then I stopped again. A couple years ago I learned that Revelation has to do with worship. That is why I took this class: because I want to worship God in a more meaningful way.


My passion for God has resurfaced and in the face of the truth I have been taught over the last few years, it is stronger and more real.


Anyways, off to class!

Well, just thought I'd add to the health problems that seem to be abounding: I am still sick. That's on the smaller end of things. On the larger end: I got an email from one of my friends I graduated with...her brother is bleeding internally. The doctors aren't sure if it's his intestines or his colon. And I just got off the phone with my mom...my (step)dad, who has had a stroke and a heart attack, is having more problems. His heart is supposed to be working at about 40-50%, but it's only working at 11% right now. The doctor told him to tell people so we wouldn't be surprised if something happens to him.


I am always surprised at how many people are in the library at once. At least half of the student body is gone this weekend, yet the library has been packed all day. I know the freshmen have 2 "library only" assignments due next weel, but it still surprises me. And it's not only this weekend...usually when I go in there or by there, there are a bunch of people in there...moreso than any of my last 2 years here. It's weird, but good.


Well, off to play Zuma, then finish the kitchen laundry.

I got the opportunity to sleep until 7:30am this morning as opposed to 6am this morning because I didn't have to make breakfast...the SRC made other plans for that. Unfortunately my body is on a schedule so i woke up at 6am anyways. Thankfully I was really tired last night and was asleep before 10pm last night. When I went to leave the dorm this morning I found a snow drift inside the dorm door, a broken bar handle on the door, and the impossibility of opening the door. Thankfully there's another door so we all just have to go out that one instead. I am excited for juice and muffins this morning (please be banana-chocolate chip muffins!!!).

The "Year of Favor" strikes again: CONGRATULATIONS LEIF AND CARA!!!


Oh! And Happy Birthday Danielle!

One Year

WHY? This has been the question on my mind. What that why consists of? There's too much to even consider writing about. I find it so hard to relate to people who are at a very different point in life than I am right now. I...don't know. I've been trying to get a good sleep every night ot try to shake this cold, but I keep myself awake at night with my coughing. I mean seriously, it's been a week and a half now...why isn't it gone??? It started in BC and just hasn't gone away. Chelsea did my nails last night (RED!). I'm wearing earrings (short dangly dolphin ones) (silver). I can't believe mini-semester is almost over (2 more days), yet this week is dragging on. I've gotta finish reading Disappointment With God...soon. We get daily assignments for our mini-semester class (Psychology of Counseling I). Questions so far: What would you love for God to do through your life? What is your greatest virtue or asset and how does that affect your relationships with others? Who, other than Jesus, has most positively influenced your life? (Write them a letter...don't mail it!). Who has most negatively influenced your life? (Write them a letter...don't mail it!).

CONGRATULATIONS DAN AND CHARISSA!!! God bless you both!

We had our first of three Deeper Life Services last night. Some questions come to mind when I think of these services and other big events like them. Why does God seem to show up powerfully at these meetings every time? I mean, He doesn't have to. Just because so much prayer is put into these services doesn't make God do anything. He does it because He wants to. He is giving us a gift. Perhaps it is because we expect God to do things, so our hearts are more open to the things He has for us. Why don't we put as much prayer into the rest of our lives? Why don't we expect God to do things, and so make our hearts open to Him, all the time?

Before lunch I witnessed one of the most beautiful things: I came into the lounge and saw a lot of students standing along the outside of the pit. Then I saw and heard Mandy singing and playing piano (for her class presentation). It brought joy to my heart because I was able to see her using her gifts and in doing so, drawing people to God. As I watched and listened, everything within me was closer to God. I could not turn away from Him. Even things that would normally captivate me were not even in or near my thoughts.

Well, now that I have finally caught up on my blog reading I suppose I should take the time to write a little something...


I am cold and sick (a cold) and in pain...for those who don't know, I (according to my doctor) twisted or sprained my ankle or something. Gee, thanks doc...I couldn't have figured that one out on my own. Anyways, this was on Boxing Day and it is still sore and swollen. I'm going to be icing and wrapping it tonight, so we will see how that goes.


In other news...I may be able to do my internship here at the school next year...I will know a little more tomorrow, but probably not much until quite a bit later in the semester. Thankfully I am not stressed about it. I think that is because I see a few options opening up for me.


I feel like there is more I should be saying, but I don't know what right now, so I will go take some neo-citran or something, do my assignement for tomorrow, then go to bed. Good night all!

Well, since we had our family Christmas on last Sunday, I stayed at my friends' place on Christmas Eve, then we went to his family's place for lunch and her family's palce for supper. I had fun, but it was weird being away from my family on Christmas day. And now (Christmas night) I'm staying at another one of my friend's places 'cause we decided to watch a movie tonight, then I'm gonna go to church with her tomorrow...it'll be weird but good. I used to go to this church when I was like 4. It's where I came home from one day and told my mom that witches aren't in heaven (from the prayer, "Our Father which art in heaven..."). I can't believe I'm only here for another week. It's good though. It'll be a good amount of time. It's been a much needed break that has helped me to start putting things into perspective. Mini-semester should be...interesting...with all the talk of self-protectiveness and blocked goals and repentance and what not.


I wish I could grasp the concept of a sinful nature, that the good I see and think I do/have/etc is not true goodness, but that sin has distorted everything I do and see. And I am seeing that being confused is a good thing because it makes me dependent on God, but how do I know if I am really depending on God and moving forward in Him or if I am just giving up and just going through life. If my perception is distorted by sin, how do I know if I am truly depending on God or if I just THINK I am depending on God? And if I'm not supposed to know these things, why am I being told to think about them and ask about them?


And why are we so blind to the sin in our own lives and the lives of others? And if we see it in other people's lives, why are we too afraid to love them in a way that challenges them to look at themselves and turn to God in those areas? And why when we start to become aware of sin in our own lives do we not deal with it directly? Why do we try to put it off to the side, perhaps to "deal with it later...when I have the time"? Why do we insist on being in control of our own lives even when we know we don't know what to do or know that we can't do anything? Why do we fight against God when He always has the best for us? Why is it so hard for us to trust Him?


...


And the questions never stop. I feel like I'm going round in circles with everything!

Well, after spending many hours at airports on Friday, I made it home. I spent Saturday with my family (my niece is SO cute!!!), then went to my friend's place that night. I got to see one of my friends who I haven't seen in like 3 years! It was so good. Sunday I went to church only to find out that that was the last service...ever...for my church.


So, I had been thinking of leaving my church for a couple years now, but I kept giving it another chance. Then I came home this Christmas with the attitude of "I'm going to find out what direction the church is going in, then see if I have anything to offer. If not, I will tell them that I am going to find another church." So, with my attitude changed from "I'm not getting anything out of this" to "What can I do?", my decision was made and I no longer have a home church. Odd. I've been going to that church for just over 9 years now. But this is giving me one part of the freedom I need to move on. Another part, which came about through a conversation with the friend I hadn't seen for 3 years, I can see coming. I've seen it coming for a while, but various conversations and events keep bringing it closer into being. It is something I really don't want to happen, because it in itself sucks, but it will give me more freedom to move on and go where God leads me.


I am excited to see the work God is doing in me even now over the holidays.


When I came home, there were 7 movies I wanted to see. One of them I think I will wait till video. I saw National Treasure. I enjoyed it. The other 5 I will hopefully see over the next couple of weeks.


We already had our family Christmas, but I'm going to have Christmas with my friends and their parents on Saturday. Then, if all goes well, I'll be going to stay with Kaleena somewhere between the 28th and 30th.


And just for an update...I have been doing some reading. I'm about 1/2 way through the 1st counseling book. I thought it was going to be really technical, but it's not. I'm enjoying it. It is a good book. God is working in me through it already.


I was thinking of my classes for next semester and other things that will be happening. I am excited to see what God has in store.


Well, gotta go. Have a good Christmas everyone!

I can't believe this semester is actually over. I finished my last exam this morning, we're about to eat lunch, then I'm off to Saskatoon, and finally to Abbotsford. I am so excited to go home! I get to see my niece tonight (even if she is sleeping). I hope she remembers me. It's going to be weird not having a bedroom anymore, but that's okay. I kinda like sleeping in the living room anyways. If all goes well, I will get my counselling books read and maybe even some of my assignments written out. I hope for this every break, but I can't usually seem to get into it, but I will have a lot of time at the airport, and hopefully I've become a bit more disciplined to be able to get these things done. But if not, that's okay. I mean, this is a vacation after all! *Oh no! Already on the verge of procrastination!!!*

Okay, so all afternoon and evening on Saturday, I finshed reading the LOTR (yes the whole thing), then that night I had a sleep over at Amy's with her and "the posse". It was great! We played Heartthrob (Amy couldn't get her mind off "Johnny"), then we watched 13 Going on 30 and finally got to sleep around 3:30am. I got up at 8:40am, came backto the school to do some kitchen laundry and get ready for church. After chucrch and lunch, I worked on my 10 page paper for Inklings, had supper, continued working on my paper, went to the Christmas presentation at the church (left early), continued working on my paper...finally finishing around 6am. Slept till about 7:30am, edited and printed off my paper, had a breakfast meeting, handed my paper in just before 9am, napped from about 10-10:30am, did some kitchen laundry, went to class, had lunch, went to class, played Mario Kart with Rach and Joss, phoned my mom, put some of MY laundry in, then went to take a nap from 4-5pm. Well, that nap turned into a deep sleep from 4-10:30pm (so I missed supper AND chapel...I am sad). I finished my laundry, visited with some people, then went back to sleep from about 12:30-7:30am. So in the span of 15 hours, I slept for about 13. I am now refreshed. Had a nice shower, a good breakfast, got caught up on my blog reading, and now here I am, keeping my site updated. I am happy. And even more so now because somebody...Din Din...is playing guitar in the lounge. Today I will study for my exams of which I have one (Inklings) on Thursday afternoon and one (Oral Communication) Friday morning.

Well, it took me a while to get around to it again, but I finally finished reading The Lord of the Rings. I am SO excited!!! And I'll be even more excited when I finish my 10 page paper that's due at 9am tomorrow morning. Well...kitchen laundry, church, lunch, start my paper, supper, finish my paper, sleep...if all goes well that is.

My left arm and shoulder are sore again. I'm not exactly sure what it is, but I think it's from the repetetive motion from folding kitchen laundry. I am, however, switching campus services next semester...back to making breakfast...I'm excited.


I had such a good night at the Christmas banquet last night. It was probably my favorite one yet. There are some people who just really end up surprising you when you get to know them...lots of people actually, but last night was one of those ones that just stands out.


Somebody asked me a question before the Christmas banquet started, which I ended up thinking about the reasoning behind it in negative terms. I didn't think about it until after the banquet, when I was on my own, doing kitchen laundry and afterwards. By the time I got around people again, I had been trying to change my mindset and think of the harmless reasoning behind the question. It kind of worked. I ended up watching The Grinch Who Stole Christmas (with Jim Carey) and talking with a friend. Turns out the thing that's strongly been on my heart and mind over the last month / month and a half ended up being the same for her last night. Must be the time of the year.


Well, we've got brunch pretty quick, then campus cleanup. I can't believe Christmas break starts in 6 days!!! I am so excited to see my niece!

Ok, my challenge is taken care of, well, that part anyways. I've been thinking for a long time that I need to get a mentor who is older than me, but for various reasons, well, ya...it hasn't been working. I've been talking to people about it and I've been more recognizing my need for one, but I've been hesitant in asking. But this morning, after my last post, I confronted my fears and asked Nancy P. to mentor me, so we'll be starting that next semester. Now I'm scared as to where that will take me, but I am trying to trust in God. I may be getting another official peer mentor, though this one will be both formal and informal, whereas the other one has been informal, which has also been good. Anyways, I've gotta run for class.

I'm being challenged right now. By God and other people (about the same thing). I do not know if I have the courage to face this challenge right now. I want to, sort of, but it scares me. Perhaps I will go do my part of it before class and see what happens. This has been a long time challenge, but it has beome more real over the last few days. Oh good...a distraction. OK, I'm going, I'm going.

Well, when I got back from Winnipeg I didn't think I would be doing any out-of-town travelling until Christmas. Last Friday I drove to S'toon, well, half an hour outside of S'toon) to cheer on the volleyball teams. It was fun. They couldn't hear me, unless they were serving on the side I was sitting on, but it was fun nonetheless. Then I spent Saturday afternoon and evening in S'toon. We watched The Forgotten and Alexander, with having dinner in between. Alexander was good. The Forgotten was good and highly entertaining. Dinner was good. But the best part of that day was the conversation. There was honesty without holding back. I wish I had this in all my friendships. Anyways, I ended up driving to S'toon again yesterday. This time I went with Vanessa. We watched Ladder 49, went to BP for dinner, shopped at Wal-Mart (I bought pink clothes :S), and went to McD's for icecream. Once again, the conversation over dinner and to and from S'toon was the highlight. I love one-on-one conversations with people. It helps me to get to know them (and them me) so much better. While last weekend there seemed to be, for the most part, a central topic, last night we talked about a variety of things, but with depth for the topics that needed it. Well, I have to go do some more homework. This is my break between lunch and supper. I am SO looking forward to dinner and a movie (IN TOWN!) tonight. It'll be good to hang out and relax with friends, who have basically become family.

I like to know where I was at the same time last year, so I decided to read my blog from last November 20th. I see not much has changed for this time of year. I've got a major paper due on Monday and I've only got my outline done. I will be busy tonight and tomorrow...and Monday perhaps (PLEASE NO!!!). I am doing a lot better when it comes to my feelings regarding my friendships. Some strange things have been happening in that arena. I am enjoying it, but it is taking a little while to get used to. It's actually been like this since the start of the year, with people suddenly showing that they want to spend time with me, and me opening my heart up to more people. I am so thankful for the friends I have. I am truly blessed to have them in my life. I have to plan a date with God for some time in the next 3 or 4 days...what shall we do? I have some ideas, but I'm not entirely sure yet. I'm excited for it though.

It's so good to be back in Winnipeg again! We had a good trip out here...lots of singing and laughing. We stayed in Regina on Wednesday night, and left around 7:30 Thursday morning. We stopped at a little restaurant in Moosomin for breakfast. I think it was called Country Squire Inn. Anyways...they had really good food, service, and prices. We were all pleased.


On the way to Winnipeg, I saw a sign for the Swinging Bridge in Souris, which I've been on, but nobody else in the car had, so I took them to see it. We were thinking how fun it would be to have a digital camera with us so we could do our own video of our adventures. Souris is a good town to sho.ot videos in. We had some fun and did the bridge scene from Shrek. It was great! Cara said she wanted to go to Starbuck's while we were here, so we ended up making a bit of a game with it when we saw a sign for the town of Starbuck, then the Starbuck Credit Union, then a coffee shop with a similar sign to Starbuck's. Though she has not yet got to a real Starbuck's...today though.


Cara, Mandy, and I went for coffee with Kyle last night, then after he left, we went to see a movie. We were going to watch Ladder 49, but it was 7:40pm and the next one didn't start till 10:05pm. We looked at some of the other movies and it was basically the same thing...we were too late or too early for them. There was one, however, that was starting at 7:50pm. Alfie. Now, I had remembered seeing previews or something for it, but I didn't remember what it was about. I'm a Jude Law fan, though, so I was up for it. We decided to be adventurous and go see a random movie. Mandy ended up asking somebody what the movie was about, but Cara and I didn't want to know so we didn't listen. Within about the first 10 minutes of the movie, I thought about walking out, but I decided to give it a chance. I was sitting a seat away from a couple gir.ls who were pretty vocal during the movie. I decided to watch the movie in more of a study way than just pure entertainment, so I was paying attention to the audience's reactions during the movie, and just seeing how accurately this movie reflects life "in the real world".


When the movie was done and we started talking about it, I realized how much of an impact Integrative Seminar has had on me. I mean, I knew it had, but I just got to see it in a new way. Int the theatre and driving through the city, I was just looking at people, desiring to reach out to them, to take them for coffee and just talk. I want to help them to see first that they are missing something, and second what that something is. Honestly, if I was driving and didn't have other people in the car, I would have stopped to talk to this one guy who was just sitting on a bench.


When we got back to Sarah's place, Cara and I, and eventually Mandy, were talking about the movie some more. We started questioning what holds us back from talking with people. I believe the major conclusion we came to is that we are afraid of not saying the right thing or not having the answers. This movie helped me to once again see that people in our world are lost, and that there are some who realize it and are looking for answers. I think I am finally at the point where I'm not really all that concerned about not having the answers. People need something. I have it. I just need to show them love the way I know how, and pray that God will work through me when I do.


The content of the movie was accurate and necessary. There were a few scenes where I was quite impressed with how they were portrayed on the screne. It's hard to describe without telling about the movie. All I have to say is give the movie a chance. Be warned about the se.xual content, but watch it nonetheless. And if possible, watch it with someone who IS lost because if they are in the right mindset, it could be a great witnessing tool.

I woke up to the radio a couple days ago and was greeted with "It's gonna be warm today, 5 degrees." Ok, where I come from, it rarely gets that cold so it's really weird to hear that. I can never estimate what the temperature is here because when it is 5 degrees here, it feels like 17 degrees or so would back home.

I love my Integrative Seminar class. It is my favorite thus far. I am constantly challenged in what I think about and how I think about it.

I had a great lunch meeting with Amy today. I am so blessed to be able to call her my friend. I'm looking forward to my supper meeting with Sarah.

I am constantly surprised at how people see themselves. The negativity they have towards themselves. It is tragic. I can only hope that they will soon see their beauty and their giftings.

Ok, this whole internship thing is getting harder all the time. There are 3 things I am considering right now: working at the Dream Centre in Calgary, teaching ESL in Japan, and doing some kind of street ministry/recovery house ministry in Prince George. I had a vision about 5 years ago and the Dream Centre is almost identical...the only difference is it takes the vision a step further. When I went to Hungary, a lady (via a translator) told me that there were so many people who want to learn English, but there's nobody there to teach them. My heart sank and I just wanted to reach out. Athena's been asking me to go to Japan even before she went, but I had set the idea aside. But with this recent email, I was drawn to once again consider this. If I go to Prince George, I will already have connections and someone who will mentor me. The people I would likely be working with are people I did street ministry with in Prince George. Ya, so I don't know.

I was really hot this morning, then I went out for football and got REALLY cold, then I was hot again, then cold, now I'm hot again. If I get sick, let this be my personal reminder of why! I guess that goes for pretty much everyone here. I'm happy I don't have to go outside in this weather for church tomorrow...I actually agreed to work in the kitchen, then thought of the benefit of that afterwards...though I tend to forget that working in the kitchen in the morning also involves working in the afternoon as well. Oh well. C'est la vie!


Lost in Space Jurrasic Park: The Lost World Lost in Translation Raiders of the Lost Ark The Lost Boys Lost Highway Atlantis: The Lost Empire Home Alone 2: Lost in New York The Lost Weekend Spy Kids 2: Island of Lost Dreams Lost and Delirious Lost In La Mancha Lost Horizon Paradise Lost: The Child at Robin Hood Hills Lost Souls Love's Labour's Lost. These range from at least 1937-2004. How lost is this generation who does not seek Your face! How often are people seeking and not finding because they are not seeking with all their heart!

Ah the joys of being invaded! There are a lot of people here for football weekend. This is causing problems for some and joy for others and both problems and joy for still some others. As much fun as it can be about seeing old friends, it will be nice to have some "normalcy" once Wendesday hits. Well, off to finish my laundy and watch some football (gotta go support my s!!!).

There are some people who I really want to get to know, yet I am not confident in my social skills, which makes me too scared or unsure as to how to actually approach these people. It would be different if it was just somebody out there who I didn't know and thought it might be a good idea to get to know them, but I'm talking about the people who I feel drawn to, like we already have some kind of connection. I don't know. It's weird. Like, do I just go up to the person and say "Hey! I want to get to know you"? That is just weird. Words are not my forte. Prayers for confidence and trust would be greatly appreciated.

Ok...I feel like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman (without the pros.titute part of course). We drove up to Amy's place and I was immediately intimidated. She said her place was nice, but my goodness!!! Amy gave me a tour of her place and seriously...the living room is bigger than any place I have ever lived in! The room I'm staying in is great. I get a closet, dresser, and tv to myself...and a bathroom for the most part. Thankfully Amy and her parents are down to earth and very hospitable. I've been told to make myself completely at home. And Amy's mom is such a good cook. We had lasagna and ceasar salad for dinner...one of my favorite meals! It's one of Amy's friend's b-day today, so we might go to a party later tonight. And Edmonton is turning 100, so there are fireworks and what not tonight. This will be quite the weekend.

Weird how you can miss people you live with. I guess it's that whole "Quality time/Quality conversations" thing. Oh well...I have reading that needs to be done anyways.

So there were 12 of us who went to K-town for supper tonight. A&W for supper and DQ for dessert. I was laughing so hard I could hardly swallow. It was mostly due to Leif and Derek, though the gi.rls (Shanda, Cara, Tracy, etc) definitely added to it. It was a good night. And definitely good to be away for chili and cornbread night at FGBC. It's fairly empty here, but the volleyball people should be back tonight. It's good though 'cause I've got a lot of reading to do. At least I'm enjoying the book I'm working on right now. I might be able to finish reading it tonight, then I'll write the paper on it tomorrow.