Last week one of the gi.rls on my floor sound out that her cousin (who is like a sister to her) di.ed and today another gi.rl on my floor found out her grandpa di.ed. I don't know if there's anything I can do. Nothing but pray right now, seeing as both of the gi.rls have gone to be with their families.


I am looking forward to Sr. High, not only because it is always a powerful weekend, but because that will mean that decorations will be finished. It is lloking really good in here. I am so proud of everyone for the hard work they've been doing these past few days. It'll be really good to see everything finished. It will be sad to take it all down again next Monday.

There's something I'm missing. What is it? What is God trying to teach me?

God has wired me in a strange way. I make connections between things and I see things in people that a lot of other people don't even recognize . Sometimes it is not a big deal, but other times it is really serious. You know how in movies you get to see what is going on in the character's life, so you know if the character is truly happy or if they are just pretending to be having a good time? That's what I tend to be able to notice in real life. Most of the time it only comes if I am intentionally trying to pay attention to it, but sometimes it is in front of my face so clearly that I cannot help but see it. The problem is that I don't often know what to do. It can take a really long time for me to figure it out. Sometimes it is important to tell the person right away that you know, other times it is better to wait for a while, and still other times it is better not to say anything about it to the person, but just bring that person and their situation before God. I couldn't put words to it until this morning, but now that I can, I know that I need to be praying for wisdom even more than I had been, especially now that I see a greater purpose in it.

I have been so focused on the sovereignty of God, that He is in control of everything. Because of this, I have not questioned why I, or others, go through the things we do, I have just accepted these things and gone through life, from one point to the next. But I remembered something this morning, causing me to learn something that I should have learned a long time ago: We are taken through many things, that we may learn from them. If I am not questioning God as to what He is trying to teach me, I am being more like an atheist rather than a Christian. It is good that I keep God's sovereignty in mind as I live, but in recognizing that sovereignty I need to be asking Him "why?" He may tell me or He may not, but it is really difficult to learn if I'm not interested in learning.

I'm actually angry...that doesn't happen very often. Why am I angry you might ask? Because of the horrible customer service I experienced tonight. Maybe I should be more understanding seeing as they were busy and maybe they had a bad day, but it is never appropriate to tell a customer you'll get them the drink (milkshake in this case) that they ordered over 1/2 an hour ago by saying, "If I have time. Did you really want it?" Of course I want it! That's why I ordered it and came to ask you about it! GRRR! I mean, the next closest place to get one is 45 minutes away! It is something small, but I had just been having a not-so-great day as it was.

I have been seeing the power of prayer somewhat more personally this past week. I hope I don't forget this.

Here I sit: frustrated about my feelings, yet patiently waiting (desiring and thinking that they will go away). My experience has been that if I don't spend quality time with God, I get in a down mood...partially feeling like depression, yet not. I like this because I am selfish and I don't like feeling this way, so I make sure that I spend time with God. I still drag my feet on it sometimes (like last night), but I do it nonetheless. The thing is is that for the last little while I have been falling asleep whenever I "get the chance". Unfortunately, those chances seem to come when I am trying to read a (really good) book for one of my classes, when I'm trying to spend quiet time with God, and many other times. I don't know why I am tired all the time. I can go to bed at 2am or 9:30pm and still feel tired the next day. I don't understand. But I know that God is in control of everything, so I am therefore not worried about how I am feeling because I know it is not about me, contrary to many of my actions and attitudes. Anyways, we've got chapel in a bit, so I'm off.

I love spending time in the presence of God: reading His Word, bringing my requests before Him, sitting quietly listening for His voice, and being so full of admiration for my God that I cannot restrain from worshiping Him.

I am so sick of the ab.use that goes on in our world, of the fear that tends to overpower, and of the negative self-image issues. And I ha.te not being able to do anything about it! The only thing that is keeping me going is that, because I can't do anything about it, I have a growing dependence on God. All I can do is pray about it.

Stemming from my previous post...


We, the Bride of Christ, need to be ready. He is holding Himself back with a tremendous amount of self-control. He is the Groom. He loves us more than anyone else does. Think of how much someone loves you. God loves you even more. Think of how much you love someone else. God loves them even more. He is full of joy as He awaits His Bride. Just picture His wide-open, brightly shining eyes as He looks down the aisle at His beautiful Bride. He is waiting for us to be ready. He is a gentleman and will not pressure us into something we are not ready for. When He knows that the time is right, however, He will come quickly, no longer needing to restrain Himself. He's waiting for us with the greatest intensity of love. Are we ready?


To understand a little more about what it means to be ready, go to Coralou's Feb.2/05 post.

Contemplate this Psalm, especially verses 7-9.

Psalm 24
Of David. A psalm.

1 The earth is the LORD's, and everything in it,
the world, and all who live in it;

2 for he founded it upon the seas

and established it upon the waters.



3 Who may ascend the hill of the LORD ?

Who may stand in his holy place?

4 He who has clean hands and a pure heart,

who does not lift up his soul to an idol

or swear by what is false. [a]

5 He will receive blessing from the LORD

and vindication from God his Savior.

6 Such is the generation of those who seek him,

who seek your face, O God of Jacob. [b]

Selah



7 Lift up your heads, O you gates;

be lifted up, you ancient doors,

that the King of glory may come in.

8 Who is this King of glory?

The LORD strong and mighty,

the LORD mighty in battle.

9 Lift up your heads, O you gates;

lift them up, you ancient doors,

that the King of glory may come in.

10 Who is he, this King of glory?

The LORD Almighty-

he is the King of glory.

Our school is leaking. We have buckets strategically placed around the campus to catch the water. There have been at least 4 in our lounge, 2 in our cafeteria, and 2 in our library. It's nuts!

This is a letter I wrote to God during class this morning when I was unable to concentrate:


God, I’m so tired. I need your refreshing. I need Your love so I can give love. I have little energy. I’m not as nervous about our presentation today. Thank You for that. God, no matter what is happening in my life and in my world, I know that You are good and that you are in control. When I am overwhelmed by my feelings and my circumstances, I do not see You negatively at any time. I know that I do not see how things really are. You have the perfect view of everything visible and invisible. I want to come where You are. I want to see as You see. In a way, I do. You have revealed to me the hope that can only be found in You. I cannot thank You enough for loving me, for saving me and allowing me to have a relationship with You. Father God, Lord Jesus, Holy Spirit please help us. We need You here at our school. Your sheep are lost. We are hungry and we are thirsty. In our lostness, we are finding food and water, but not in the satisfying way when we are close with You. We want You. We are trying to find You, but we are scattered and are not seeking You together. A few may find You, but what about the rest of us? We cannot hear Your voice. We don’t know which way to go so we can hear. The wolves are coming near. Please come. Please show us the way. Please open our eyes to see You and our ears to hear You. Open our hearts and spirits to Your moving. Help us to stay still and wait to enter Your presence. Help us to stop running from You, but to stop and turn around and fall into Your arms in desperation and dependence, then allow You to teach us to walk again, looking to You alone for approval.

I've been thinking recently that Christianity has become too unspiritual these days. I was sitting in chapel yesterday and something came to me, so I figured I'd write about it.


I was wondering why there are so many people, including myself, don't worship God the way they want to when other people are around (this time meaning mostly during an actual service, though it definitely includes any time we don't use the gifts God has given us when we know we're supposed to). I came to the conclusion that, for myself, it is because I am so often afraid of what people will think. There's always a difficulty in trying to find a balance in the way we live. There have been enough people who have been fake while attempting to be spiritual because they are trying too hard. I have been trying to avoid being fake in the "overly spiritual" sense, but I have lost sight of the balance and have not been doing everything that God asks of me. The Pharisees were confronted with having the right outward acts, but not the right heart. We are to have both. They were being fake because their hearts were not in the right place. I do not even have all the right outward behavior that I am being convicted of in my heart. I have thought that my heart was fairly good, but the fact that I do not do what God is asking me to do makes me think differently about that.


Through conversations with a few people, I have become aware, again, of who God is asking me to be and what He is asking me to do. The key word for both of these is love. And I have been convicted yet again for not being completely real in my worship of God in chapel services. There is this one guy who does not hold back when he worships God. At first I was a little freaked out...especially when he was worshiping the same way at church where that kind of worshiping almost seems taboo. But the more it happened and the more I have thought about it, the more I admire his lack of concern for what other people think about how he worships God. He only seems to be concerned with what God thinks. When I see him worship God, I am intrigued. There is something different about him. I want that something. This is what is supposed to happen to non-Christians when they are around Christians. There is supposed to be that something that is mysterious that draws them in. I don't want to be spiritually fake in either direction. I just want to be in continual submission to God.

Today is good. Every day is good, but I especially recognize it today. Today is my niece's 2nd birthday! So weird to think of because I've been away at school for most of her life.


Also, my internship is set for next year. I will be interning at the school under Danielle (yes, Martell). I'm not exactly sure what I'll be doing, but I'll be finding out more as Danielle finds out more.


I have one more class left for today: Revelation. I am excited for that class. I used to be afraid to read Revelation because I thought it dealt with things that were too difficult for me to understand. And in a way, that is true. Then I started reading through it because of the "Left Behind" series, then I stopped again. A couple years ago I learned that Revelation has to do with worship. That is why I took this class: because I want to worship God in a more meaningful way.


My passion for God has resurfaced and in the face of the truth I have been taught over the last few years, it is stronger and more real.


Anyways, off to class!

Well, just thought I'd add to the health problems that seem to be abounding: I am still sick. That's on the smaller end of things. On the larger end: I got an email from one of my friends I graduated with...her brother is bleeding internally. The doctors aren't sure if it's his intestines or his colon. And I just got off the phone with my mom...my (step)dad, who has had a stroke and a heart attack, is having more problems. His heart is supposed to be working at about 40-50%, but it's only working at 11% right now. The doctor told him to tell people so we wouldn't be surprised if something happens to him.


I am always surprised at how many people are in the library at once. At least half of the student body is gone this weekend, yet the library has been packed all day. I know the freshmen have 2 "library only" assignments due next weel, but it still surprises me. And it's not only this weekend...usually when I go in there or by there, there are a bunch of people in there...moreso than any of my last 2 years here. It's weird, but good.


Well, off to play Zuma, then finish the kitchen laundry.

I got the opportunity to sleep until 7:30am this morning as opposed to 6am this morning because I didn't have to make breakfast...the SRC made other plans for that. Unfortunately my body is on a schedule so i woke up at 6am anyways. Thankfully I was really tired last night and was asleep before 10pm last night. When I went to leave the dorm this morning I found a snow drift inside the dorm door, a broken bar handle on the door, and the impossibility of opening the door. Thankfully there's another door so we all just have to go out that one instead. I am excited for juice and muffins this morning (please be banana-chocolate chip muffins!!!).

The "Year of Favor" strikes again: CONGRATULATIONS LEIF AND CARA!!!


Oh! And Happy Birthday Danielle!

One Year

WHY? This has been the question on my mind. What that why consists of? There's too much to even consider writing about. I find it so hard to relate to people who are at a very different point in life than I am right now. I...don't know. I've been trying to get a good sleep every night ot try to shake this cold, but I keep myself awake at night with my coughing. I mean seriously, it's been a week and a half now...why isn't it gone??? It started in BC and just hasn't gone away. Chelsea did my nails last night (RED!). I'm wearing earrings (short dangly dolphin ones) (silver). I can't believe mini-semester is almost over (2 more days), yet this week is dragging on. I've gotta finish reading Disappointment With God...soon. We get daily assignments for our mini-semester class (Psychology of Counseling I). Questions so far: What would you love for God to do through your life? What is your greatest virtue or asset and how does that affect your relationships with others? Who, other than Jesus, has most positively influenced your life? (Write them a letter...don't mail it!). Who has most negatively influenced your life? (Write them a letter...don't mail it!).