Denial

In the midst of everything that's going on in my head and heart these days, there is one piece of Scripture that keeps coming to mind: "Deny yourself". I used to think more about what follows that statement ("take up your cross"), but the words "Deny yourself" are much more prevalent for me right now. For a brief, but helpful commentary click here.
Within half an hour tonight, I was strongly tempted 3 separate times in the area of snacks/desserts. All 3 times I thought I was going to give in. After struggling to hold out buying something the first 2 times, I prayed for strength. When the 3rd time came along, it was even harder...possibly because it was already in my house. I was repeating "Deny yourself" over and over again, but I was ready to give in. Then out of nowhere I found the strength to throw it in the garbage and walk away.

Consider it...

After expressing my thoughts of "God is supposed to be enough, but He's not", my difficulty of finding a pattern to get into the Word of God again, and feeling like I have put distance (relationally) between God and I, I received the following email from a friend today:

'Consider it all joy...when you encounter various trials.' James 1:2
James writes: 'Consider it all joy...when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance...that you may be perfect and complete' (vv. 2-4 NAS). Peter writes: '...don't be surprised at the fiery trials you are going through, as if something strange were happening to you' (1 Peter 4:12 NLT). Trials are the common thread that unites us. When you get through with one, chances are there's another one coming up the road. That's why James didn't say, 'if,' but 'when you encounter...trials.' Observe: 1) Trials come in various categories. They're physical, emotional, financial, and relational; it's not a one-size-fits-all deal. Some are shocking, like the unexpected loss of a loved one; others are more drawn out, like an acrimonious divorce or a prolonged illness. Some play out in public while others take place in your own private hell. Some are due to your own, or other people's mistakes; others have nothing whatsoever to do with human shortcomings. 2) Trials test our faith. They bring us back to basics and remind us where our priorities should lie. One Bible teacher says, 'During...intense trials I go back to...what I really believe...elementals such as prayer and dependence...getting quiet and waiting on God. Trials...force us back to the bedrock of faith upon which our foundation rests, and this becomes a refining and necessary process.' 3) Trials mature us. When we're suffering there's a tendency to try to look for the quick way out. Don't do that. Trials are designed to make us 'complete.' By letting them do their work, you end up stronger.

I don't know if this was my friend's "Word of the Day" email that she got today, or if she had it saved from another day, but it was the perfect email for me to receive. Even if I have not been in the Word, my thoughts have not changed that it is important, vital even. Even when I have struggled with feeling like God is not enough, I have not questioned His character. As I was taking my break at work, I realized that it's not that God is not enough. He is enough. But like I said, I had been distancing myself (unwillingly, yet knowingly). It has felt like He is not enough because I have not been really with Him. Once I came to that realization, I came to another one (relating to the above email). These thoughts I've been having, these struggles/trials, have been getting more intense lately. I believe it is because I am making steps towards my dream (see previous post). If I can keep this in mind, perhaps it will give me the strength to draw closer to God and to fight through the trials.

Dreams / Lack of Confidence / The Need to Trust

I have shared my new dream with a number of people, and now with whoever reads this:

I am planning to go back to university, get my Bachelor of Social Work (and perhaps Masters, and perhaps another degree), get involved in the prevention/elimination/recovery aspects of human trafficking in general (child soldiers in specific). As far as I can tell, the beginning of this dream came a couple years ago when I read the book "Girl Soldier: A Story of Hope for Northern Uganda's Children".

This is a fairly new dream, and it is now competing with an older dream:
For over 10 years now I've wanted to be involved in drug & alcohol recovery, potentially starting something similar to The Dream Centre. I don't know why this has been on my heart for so long, and I don't know why it was put on the back-burner for a while or why it's resurfacing now.

What I do know is that I am currently battling a lack of confidence. So much so that I literally feel like I'm drowning. I do not have the skills to be involved in these areas (hence the plan to go back to university). I keep thinking of getting involved in the LifeBridge Ministries LAMP Mentoring program, but then I start thinking "Who am I to think I could mentor someone? I can't even get my own life together, so how am I supposed to help guide someone else?" When these doubts come in, they seem to be around long enough to get me to put plans on hold. But then God comes along and gently reminds me of His greatness, His abilities, the words He has spoken to me, His leading. As He brings these things to mind, the doubts slowly get pushed aside. Then, as I feel ready to act, they come swooping in again. I am so sick of this game!

I know God. I trust Him like a child trusts. The adult part of me needs to trust that He will work through me and in spite of me, just as He has done with so many others.

(I was just looking for a picture to put at the top of this post and came across this: http://simplemegirl.blogspot.com/2011/01/my-wallpaper-waves.html. I have been sitting here, jaw dropped, stunned at how fitting this was for me to come across).

The Big Question: WHY?!

God can. God wants to. God doesn't.
I believe God can do anything. I believe God wants to meet our needs. Yet it is obvious that He does not meet all of our needs. The question needs to be asked: Why?

In the Bible, one man said, "Lord, if you are willing...". At that moment in time, He was willing. But apparently He is not always willing. Why?

Why are there so many people who go without food, clothing, and shelter?
Why is there such a large amount of human trafficking?
Why do there continue to be such violent wars?
Why do abusive/neglectful parents have kids, while some loving parents are unable to have kids?
Why are there so many people struggling with a lack of finances, hindering them from doing great things?

WHY?! To so many things, why?!


I almost added to the list: Why did Jesus have to die for our sins? But I have actually come to terms with that, and am extremely thankful for this unfair system of justice that justifies me in the eyes of God.

I do not know why God does not intervene in a big way. Though I suppose even when He does intervene in a big way, we do not necessarily see it that way. People expected God to intervene in a much different way than coming to earth as a baby, living as a servant-leader, and dying on a cross.

Can we open our eyes to see how He is at work today? I am not one to pay much attention to strategy, but I have seen His strategy at work in this world. It is exciting, it is overwhelming. It does not feel like it's enough, but I trust Him. And now I must be preparing myself to hear from Him. Where does He want me to go? What does he want me to do?

Once again, my life is not my own. I have committed/surrendered my life to Him. For what better hands could my life be in?

It is time...

Let him who cannot do the thing he would
Will to do that he can. To will is foolish
Where there's no power to do. That man is wise
Who, if he cannot, does not wish he could. - Leonardo da Vinci

I came across this quote today. It's really got me thinking. There are many things that I wish I could do, but cannot do. I need to learn to let go of those things, that I might put my energy into doing what I can. Time passes too quickly. I cannot sit back any longer wishing for what will not be, but must pursue the dreams I have and can do.

I love those moments...

I love those moments when something random happens and I have no doubt that it is God reaching out to me where I'm at. Tonight it was a tiny bubble that had escaped the dishwater and was floating along way past the time it should have been. It was like a sign of love and playfulness - a romantic gesture that only He and I would understand. I am my Beloved's and He is mine.

I love those moments of clarity when I realize that I am completely satisfied with life being just me and God. When I actually take the time to stop and put my problems (which I shouldn't even give two thoughts to) into perspective compared to God, His love for me, and my relationship with Him. Tonight I had one of those moments.

I love those moments when I can sing those lyrics that Heather Clark sings so well: "I am in love, in undivided focus." Many times that is not the case, for my focus is often in many directions, causing me to lose sight of the One I love, but as I write tonight I am able to sing those lyrics.

Addiction

I've been trying to think of something to write for the last couple hours. I've been keeping myself awake until I get something posted. I haven't been able to come up with much, but here is a short "journey through my mind":
I hate how quickly and easily I get addicted to things. I stopped playing games on facebook because I spent way too many hours playing them. My 8 year old niece invited me to an online game, probably less than a month ago, and I am very addicted already. I may need to stop playing altogether. It's not just games though. Alcohol has been one of my addictions over the years. I am getting better at keeping that under control, but still struggle on occasion. I am thankful I haven't experimented with drugs 'cause I do not doubt where that would lead me. I am curious as to why it is the "negative" things I get addicted to, but not the positive.

Shine

The last song we sang at church yesterday was Shine Jesus Shine. It has been a long time since I've heard/sung that one! I think it had been for a lot of people. There was a different atmosphere while we were singing, as if we were all transported back in time when we did not have the burdens/stresses/heaviness we feel now.

Part of the lyrics say "shine on me". I couldn't sing those lyrics when we started the song. All I could think of is that my life is not at a place where if someone were to really look at me and follow me that they would see or be drawn to Jesus. My thoughts were along the lines of "Do not shine on me, for what will be seen is not good." As we continued on with the song, however, I was reminded that while on my own I am not good, the goodness will be seen because I am covered by the Blood of the Lamb, and it is His goodness that will shine through. After that realization my thoughts were "Go ahead! Shine away!"

I do need God's light to shine on me though, to reveal those things in me that need to be changed, and to not let me keep ignoring them. This scares me, but I know it is necessary. (God, please give me the motivation and the strength to see, to listen, and to change).

Melting Point

I am humbled to the point of feeling like I'm going to melt into the floor. The fact that God uses me just as I am completely overwhelms me. The random comments people make about recognizing Christ in me boggles my mind, but also makes me so grateful. I'm beginning to understand - it's not me, but Christ who lives in me. And through this, how much more am I drawn to the Father, straining to hear Him in the midst of the noise of this world, of my own mind. This is when true priorities take over and time spent in the presence of the Father is desired and taken before all else. As the noise fades into the background, the Father's voice is heard clearly, "I love you."

Communion

I checked my voicemail when I got home today, and had a message from somebody at my church. She asked if I was going to the Tenebrae service tomorrow night and if I was if I would be interested in helping serve Communion.

I love the sacrament of Communion. I am humbled by the very word. It became more meaningful to me while I was going to Bible College. I remember one year, probably my 3rd year, we were all sitting in the cafeteria sharing Communion at each table. That was the first time I had led anyone in Communion and I was honored to do so.

I remember those words: "The Lord Jesus, on the night He was betrayed, took bread, and when He had given thanks He broke it and said, 'This is my body, which is for you. Do this in remembrance of me.' The same way He took the cup saying, 'This cup is the new covenant in my blood. Do this whenever you drink it in remembrance of me.' For whenever you eat this bread and drink this cup, you proclaim the Lord's death until He comes."

Thank You Lord for Your sacrifice. May we honor You through the Sacrament of Communion.

Me & Haiti

I sit here in the peaceful silence; just a few clocks ticking and a few vehicles driving by on the streets below. It is strange sitting here like this, knowing the disaster that has fallen upon Haiti. Thousands are dead, and thousands injured. I have seen coverage of it on the news, and it has moved me, but I did not really grasp the intensity of it until I thought of how the same tragedy would look here. It has been said that the death toll (50,000 as of 12 hours ago) could reach 200,000. That is more than the population of Abbotsford. I cannot imagine that this place where I have spent the majority of my life could cease to exist in a matter of 30 seconds. I cannot imagine the cries of pain coming out from underneath piles of debris. I cannot imagine being caught under that debris, crying out, not knowing if anyone will be able to get me out. I cannot imagine losing my family and friends just like that. I cannot imagine the cries of agony and terror of parents who have lost their children. I see bits and pieces of people's reactions on tv, but there would be nothing like living through it myself. My heart aches for the people of Haiti, and for people who had/have loved ones in Haiti. I cannot bring myself to turn on the tv, to see the devastation. It would be too overwhelming right now. Instead, I sit here, wondering what I can do to be involved in a hands-on environment. There must be something...

Be silent, be still

I came here and started writing a dialogue, except that one side of the conversation was not written, only implied. It was very strange to have that come to me the way it did. I have saved it, in case one day I know what to do with it, but for now...well, here I am, finally writing something after 3.5 months of absence.

I noticed last week, in the midst of my own excitement, that many others also seemed excited (or at least their facebook statuses made it seem that way!). I began to wonder if there really was a new excitement bursting through the pain, anger, and sorrow that is often running rampant. Finally, a new shift in life? But now I am beginning to wonder if it was just due to the weather. Now that fall is here and winter is trying to make an early start, the excitement seems to have been shot down. There is still a little here and there, but it is being overcome by busyness.
Let us take time to slow down in the midst of it all. Walk among the trees, sit by the water, enjoy a warm beverage, and be still. Let us not be overcome by the rush of life, but instead let us close our eyes for a moment and just be.

The Word

While watching the movie "Facing the Giants" a few days ago, I was once again inspired to really dig into the Bible. I want to be so familiar with God's Word that I am able to discuss and work through everyday life with biblical stories and ideas constantly coming to mind as I do so. I have started to get into 1 Kings, and am excited to read more and more.

Come Lord Jesus, Come!

As I was driving down South Fraser Way, honking the horn, with a Canucks flag waving out my window...celebrating this wonderful 3-0 lead in the series...I was also listening to Praise 106.5 FM. Being in a long line of traffic, celebrating the Canucks with the rest of the city, and worshiping God, I began thinking about Palm Sunday and about the Second Coming. I have had Philippians 2:10-11 on my mind for a while, and even moreso now: "at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father." I am so excited!!!!

A little at a time

I was going to write about my re-discovered love for the library, but I'm not sure where to go with it. So I will leave it at the fact that the 2 most recent books I have borrowed from the library are "Patrick" by Stephen Lawhead and "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho.

Instead, I will write briefly about charities and my limited finances. I am continually surprised by how many phone calls and letters I receive from various charities asking for "only $25" or whatever. One time when somebody asked for that, I told them that my finances were not good at the time, and that I actually only had $25 a month left over for food for myself. Thankfully I have gotten my full hours back at work, so my finances are back on track, but I am still cannot give to everyone who phones and writes. I'm still not too sure how to choose between them all, but sometimes there are a couple that just "feel right" at the time. This actually got me thinking about God. I mean, how many people ask Him for things every second of every day? Yet His supply is endless!

No words

For the last month I have had stuff to write about, but haven't felt like writing. Now that I want to write, I can't think of what to write about. Maybe I'll try again later...

God, help us...

Think carefully about what you will be reading...

Mary had a little Lamb,
It's fleece was white as snow.
And everywhere that Mary went,
The Lamb was sure to go.

It followed her to school each day,
It was against the rules.
It made the children laugh and play,
To have a Lamb at school.

And then the rules all changed one day,
Illegal it became;
To bring the Lamb of God to school,
Or even speak His Name!

Every day got worse and worse,
And days turned into years.
Instead of hearing children laugh,
We heard gun shots and tears.

What must we do to stop the crime,
That's in our schools today?
Let's let the Lamb come back to school,
And teach our kids to pray!

Square or Diamond?

I like Shreddies and all, but give me a break...THEY ARE THE SAME!!!!!!
Now, if they added some kind of sugar coating to make the "diamond" ones appear to sparkle, that would be a different story.

Creative outlet?

I want to make something...build something...anything. When we put our bookcase together last year, something hit home with me. It hit me again tonight when I was opening the TV remote. Using a screwdriver, a hammer, screws, nails, boards...it all just felt so right in my hands. I have been wanting to buy a dresser for a while now. Tonight I thought about attempting to make my own. I think I'll hold off on something that big for now, but maybe I'll go find something this week to practice on.

Review of 2008 (facebook note)

2008: In The Beginning
Where did you bring in the New Year?: Cedar Grove Baptist Church in Surrey.
Who were you with?: Rachel, sort of Lisa and Dave, and a lot of people I don't know.
Did you kiss anyone at midnight and who?: Nope.
Did you make any resolutions?: No.

2008: Your Love Life
Did you break up with anyone?: No.
Did you get anything for Valentine's day?: Nope.
Did you meet anyone special?: No.
Did you fall in love?: No.

2008: Friends and Enemies
Did you meet any new friends this year?: Yes.
Did any of your friendships end?: Yes.
Did you dislike anyone?: Yes.
Did you make any new enemies?: I'm not sure.
Did you resolve any fights?: Not exactly.
Who was your closest friend?: Sarah and Rachel.
Who did you grow apart from?: Friends from various parts of my life.
Do you have any regrets when it comes to your friendships?: Sometimes.

2008: All about YOU
Did you change at all this year?: Yes
Did you dye your hair?: No.
Did you get your hair cut?: Yes
Did you change your style?: Not really.
Were you in school?: No, but I do miss it.
Did you get good grades?: N/A
Did you have a job?: 2...EV and Cur-Quin
Did you drive?: Yes...longest drive was to Eston and back.
Did you own a car?: Yep, and it's surprisingly still holding on.
Did anyone close to you give birth?: Quite a few...and they're still coming!
Did you move at all?: No...for a change.
Did you go on any vacations?: Yes. Eston, roadtrip with Sarah, and Vegas!
Did you leave the country at all?: Yes (see above).

2008: Wrap Up.
Was 2008 a good year?: It had its ups and downs.
Did 2008 bring any new insights?: Yah.
Do you think 2009 will top 2008?: Yes. I expect great things for 2009.