Denial

In the midst of everything that's going on in my head and heart these days, there is one piece of Scripture that keeps coming to mind: "Deny yourself". I used to think more about what follows that statement ("take up your cross"), but the words "Deny yourself" are much more prevalent for me right now. For a brief, but helpful commentary click here.
Within half an hour tonight, I was strongly tempted 3 separate times in the area of snacks/desserts. All 3 times I thought I was going to give in. After struggling to hold out buying something the first 2 times, I prayed for strength. When the 3rd time came along, it was even harder...possibly because it was already in my house. I was repeating "Deny yourself" over and over again, but I was ready to give in. Then out of nowhere I found the strength to throw it in the garbage and walk away.

Consider it...

After expressing my thoughts of "God is supposed to be enough, but He's not", my difficulty of finding a pattern to get into the Word of God again, and feeling like I have put distance (relationally) between God and I, I received the following email from a friend today:

'Consider it all joy...when you encounter various trials.' James 1:2
James writes: 'Consider it all joy...when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance...that you may be perfect and complete' (vv. 2-4 NAS). Peter writes: '...don't be surprised at the fiery trials you are going through, as if something strange were happening to you' (1 Peter 4:12 NLT). Trials are the common thread that unites us. When you get through with one, chances are there's another one coming up the road. That's why James didn't say, 'if,' but 'when you encounter...trials.' Observe: 1) Trials come in various categories. They're physical, emotional, financial, and relational; it's not a one-size-fits-all deal. Some are shocking, like the unexpected loss of a loved one; others are more drawn out, like an acrimonious divorce or a prolonged illness. Some play out in public while others take place in your own private hell. Some are due to your own, or other people's mistakes; others have nothing whatsoever to do with human shortcomings. 2) Trials test our faith. They bring us back to basics and remind us where our priorities should lie. One Bible teacher says, 'During...intense trials I go back to...what I really believe...elementals such as prayer and dependence...getting quiet and waiting on God. Trials...force us back to the bedrock of faith upon which our foundation rests, and this becomes a refining and necessary process.' 3) Trials mature us. When we're suffering there's a tendency to try to look for the quick way out. Don't do that. Trials are designed to make us 'complete.' By letting them do their work, you end up stronger.

I don't know if this was my friend's "Word of the Day" email that she got today, or if she had it saved from another day, but it was the perfect email for me to receive. Even if I have not been in the Word, my thoughts have not changed that it is important, vital even. Even when I have struggled with feeling like God is not enough, I have not questioned His character. As I was taking my break at work, I realized that it's not that God is not enough. He is enough. But like I said, I had been distancing myself (unwillingly, yet knowingly). It has felt like He is not enough because I have not been really with Him. Once I came to that realization, I came to another one (relating to the above email). These thoughts I've been having, these struggles/trials, have been getting more intense lately. I believe it is because I am making steps towards my dream (see previous post). If I can keep this in mind, perhaps it will give me the strength to draw closer to God and to fight through the trials.

Dreams / Lack of Confidence / The Need to Trust

I have shared my new dream with a number of people, and now with whoever reads this:

I am planning to go back to university, get my Bachelor of Social Work (and perhaps Masters, and perhaps another degree), get involved in the prevention/elimination/recovery aspects of human trafficking in general (child soldiers in specific). As far as I can tell, the beginning of this dream came a couple years ago when I read the book "Girl Soldier: A Story of Hope for Northern Uganda's Children".

This is a fairly new dream, and it is now competing with an older dream:
For over 10 years now I've wanted to be involved in drug & alcohol recovery, potentially starting something similar to The Dream Centre. I don't know why this has been on my heart for so long, and I don't know why it was put on the back-burner for a while or why it's resurfacing now.

What I do know is that I am currently battling a lack of confidence. So much so that I literally feel like I'm drowning. I do not have the skills to be involved in these areas (hence the plan to go back to university). I keep thinking of getting involved in the LifeBridge Ministries LAMP Mentoring program, but then I start thinking "Who am I to think I could mentor someone? I can't even get my own life together, so how am I supposed to help guide someone else?" When these doubts come in, they seem to be around long enough to get me to put plans on hold. But then God comes along and gently reminds me of His greatness, His abilities, the words He has spoken to me, His leading. As He brings these things to mind, the doubts slowly get pushed aside. Then, as I feel ready to act, they come swooping in again. I am so sick of this game!

I know God. I trust Him like a child trusts. The adult part of me needs to trust that He will work through me and in spite of me, just as He has done with so many others.

(I was just looking for a picture to put at the top of this post and came across this: http://simplemegirl.blogspot.com/2011/01/my-wallpaper-waves.html. I have been sitting here, jaw dropped, stunned at how fitting this was for me to come across).

The Big Question: WHY?!

God can. God wants to. God doesn't.
I believe God can do anything. I believe God wants to meet our needs. Yet it is obvious that He does not meet all of our needs. The question needs to be asked: Why?

In the Bible, one man said, "Lord, if you are willing...". At that moment in time, He was willing. But apparently He is not always willing. Why?

Why are there so many people who go without food, clothing, and shelter?
Why is there such a large amount of human trafficking?
Why do there continue to be such violent wars?
Why do abusive/neglectful parents have kids, while some loving parents are unable to have kids?
Why are there so many people struggling with a lack of finances, hindering them from doing great things?

WHY?! To so many things, why?!


I almost added to the list: Why did Jesus have to die for our sins? But I have actually come to terms with that, and am extremely thankful for this unfair system of justice that justifies me in the eyes of God.

I do not know why God does not intervene in a big way. Though I suppose even when He does intervene in a big way, we do not necessarily see it that way. People expected God to intervene in a much different way than coming to earth as a baby, living as a servant-leader, and dying on a cross.

Can we open our eyes to see how He is at work today? I am not one to pay much attention to strategy, but I have seen His strategy at work in this world. It is exciting, it is overwhelming. It does not feel like it's enough, but I trust Him. And now I must be preparing myself to hear from Him. Where does He want me to go? What does he want me to do?

Once again, my life is not my own. I have committed/surrendered my life to Him. For what better hands could my life be in?

It is time...

Let him who cannot do the thing he would
Will to do that he can. To will is foolish
Where there's no power to do. That man is wise
Who, if he cannot, does not wish he could. - Leonardo da Vinci

I came across this quote today. It's really got me thinking. There are many things that I wish I could do, but cannot do. I need to learn to let go of those things, that I might put my energy into doing what I can. Time passes too quickly. I cannot sit back any longer wishing for what will not be, but must pursue the dreams I have and can do.

I love those moments...

I love those moments when something random happens and I have no doubt that it is God reaching out to me where I'm at. Tonight it was a tiny bubble that had escaped the dishwater and was floating along way past the time it should have been. It was like a sign of love and playfulness - a romantic gesture that only He and I would understand. I am my Beloved's and He is mine.

I love those moments of clarity when I realize that I am completely satisfied with life being just me and God. When I actually take the time to stop and put my problems (which I shouldn't even give two thoughts to) into perspective compared to God, His love for me, and my relationship with Him. Tonight I had one of those moments.

I love those moments when I can sing those lyrics that Heather Clark sings so well: "I am in love, in undivided focus." Many times that is not the case, for my focus is often in many directions, causing me to lose sight of the One I love, but as I write tonight I am able to sing those lyrics.

Addiction

I've been trying to think of something to write for the last couple hours. I've been keeping myself awake until I get something posted. I haven't been able to come up with much, but here is a short "journey through my mind":
I hate how quickly and easily I get addicted to things. I stopped playing games on facebook because I spent way too many hours playing them. My 8 year old niece invited me to an online game, probably less than a month ago, and I am very addicted already. I may need to stop playing altogether. It's not just games though. Alcohol has been one of my addictions over the years. I am getting better at keeping that under control, but still struggle on occasion. I am thankful I haven't experimented with drugs 'cause I do not doubt where that would lead me. I am curious as to why it is the "negative" things I get addicted to, but not the positive.