Still sick. We got snow. Got to see friends from Ontario. Watching the Canucks game tonight. Still debating on if I want to do an internship or not and if I do, what do I want to do??? Going back to school soon...not too sure how I feel about that. Too much to explain with not enough time to think about it right now.

Ok, ok, I'm back. I said it wasn't sure when I'd be able to update. This is the first time I've been on a computer since last Saturday. Life's going well. I've been sick with a cold since I've been home, but it's all good. I've gone to see 4 movies since I've been back (Mona Lisa Smile, Love Actually, LOTR Return of the King, and The Last Samurai) none of which I paid for (YAY!). Anywho, I've got one week left and still so much to do. I've done quite a bit of homework, but there's still a lot of that to do. God's been teaching me (or trying to anyways), but I just keep getting more and more confused. We'll see where things end up. Enjoy the rest of your holidays!

How time flies! I didn't realize it's been a week since my last post. There's 6 days till Christmas (doesn't quite sink in when I'm in Eston). I am done everything for this semester, and man does it feel good. It's weird...I'm looking forward to going home, yet not. I'm looking forward to leaving school, yet not. It's like I want to be everywhere, yet nowhere. I h.a.t.e. saying bye to people, and it's going to be worse this semester because so many people are unsure if they are returning for another semester. Athena is for sure not returning. She got a teaching job in Japan. I'm happy for her, but I am going to miss her a lot. We're going to have fun this morning though. One last adventure before the holidays. I don't know how often I'll be able to post over the holidays, seeing as my computer will stay here, but I'll update when I get the chance.

I'm done all of my assignments, now I just have 3 exams left. We had such a beautiful chapel service this morning. Accoustic worship and a time of sharing the hope that we have in God. I cannot desscribe how powerful God's presence was. Somebody else will probably write about it though, so I'll leave it to them because they are better with words.

No matter how many times I have read the book of John, it has never come as alive to me as it did last night when we were watching a word-for-word movie of the book of John. My head was spinning so much trying to comprehend the teachings. We didn't get to finish watching the whole thing becaus it's just over 3 hours and we didn't have that much time last night, but we will finish watching it some time. A question was asked of me a few minutes ago, though: "If Jesus wasn't crucified by man, would He have died anyway?" I responded with "Yes, because He was fully human, and as humans, we die." I was then met with the statement, "But d.e.a.t.h. is the penalty for sin." What are your thoughts?

There have been a lot of people, including myself, who have been breaking a bunch of the rules at school. Things like showing up late for in-dorm time, church, chapel, floor meeting, community group (sometimes only a minute or two), or just not going at all) quiet time, wearing sweats in class, etc. Now, the majority of people see these as little, insignificant, rules, but they are rules nonetheless. We were told at the beginning of the year that, although we may feel that way, it is our choice to be here. We know what the rules are before we come here and if we don't like them, we don't have to come to this school. If people think they are just "little" rules, why don't we just follow them? Sure they may seem to make life inconvenient at times, but they truly are in place for our benefit. Even if we don't normally have to follow these exact rules, there will be rules in work places and in life in general that we have to follow no matter how much of an inconvenience they may seem to be.

People often say "I don't have time to pray". Then there's the cringe worthy responses of "You need to make time to pray" or "You don't have time NOT to pray". While these responses are true, I find it difficult somtimes to make it impact my life. For a while I was like "Oh ya, I pray", which I did, kinda...it was just that I would toss up little prayers of "God, please do (this) in so-and-so's life". This last little while, I have been reminded of the importance of confession of sins. At first I thought it was just the need to confess to God, which it is, but there's also the importance of confessing to those in authority over me (when I break their rules). This is something else I have been being taught over the last couple weeks...I need to follow the rules of those in authority over me because God placed them in those positions and He tells us that, as long as those rules do not go against His ways (that we know of), we need to respect them, because if we disrepsect them, then we are not only disrespecting them, but we are also disrespecting God.

What a crazy last week! Major assignment and big exam over with. Friend came...and left. And the things in my head. I often don't even want to deal with them. So strange how I can be surrounded by some really great friends, but still feel so completely alone. I would say that I h.a.t.e. my love languages of quality time and physical touch, but that would mean me h.a.t.ing who I am and that's something I can't let happen. I struggle with wanting to spend time with people, but wanting to give them space that they need and want. For the most part I give them the space, but I so desperately want to spend time with them. It hurts. And it's hard to be honest on here, yet it's so much easier than talking about it.

After much indecisiveness on here and in my own head, I decided to drop the Syria team today. At first I didn't feel anything either way about it, but as time has gone by today I have felt more and more at peace about my decision. On another note, my homework is going well again...I didn't go to Kerrobert tonight, so that gave me more time to work on it, though I was starting to fall asleep in the library. Hmmm...what else? I dunno. I get to go to Saskatoon on Sunday to pick my friend up at the airport :)

My hermitness has not been going so well. Things just keep coming up. Unexpected meetings or meetings I had forgotten about. I was planning to have had one of my major papers done yesterday, but I am not even close to that. I don't have much time today to work on it, so Friday and Saturday (mostly Saturday) will have to be major work times.

Today in church, the pastor talked about persecution and testing our faith. I have often wondered if I wouldbe a Christian if I had grown up in another part of the world...even another part of my home province. I grew up in a Bible-belt community and I now go to school in a small town Bible College. The pastor also talked about memorizing Scripture. I had always thought this was important, but it hit me today as to why it is important. Not only is it so that we don't sin against God, but also because there may come a time when it will be illegal to be a Christian even here in Canada, a time when our Bibles will be torn from us. When we do not have the privilege of reading the Bible, let alone many different translations of it, what will we do?

Apparently our chances of going to Syria are up to 90% now. I just have to get my support letter approved, then find some money to mail them all out. Seems strange, but whatever. Anywho, one of my friends from back home is coming to visit in 1 week! I am excited for this, but because it's crunch time for assignments, this week I will be a hermit (as much as possible) for as long as it takes to get some major assignments and studying done. It will be nice to have things done early, though...not having to stress about getting them done the night before or the morning they're due.

We started fundraising for our WAT team this morning. Selling cookies at the Craft Fair. It was a bit of a slow start, but I'm sure it'll get better as the day goes on. There's more stuff coming up that we have fundraising ideas for too...we just have to get our whole team together some time.

Apparently I misunderstood or was misinformed about the whole Syria thing. There is still an 80% chance that we will be going. Now I must write up some support letters and get those sent out so I can afford this wonderful ministry experience.

Well, I don't know too many details, but it's looking like we're not going to Syria. By the sounds of our alternative, I don't think our team will be going anywhere at all. I'm disappointed that we're not going, but I suppose it's with good reason. On another note, we just had chapel and all us Greek students got a free Greek New Testament given to us by the Canadian Bible Society. There were also 3 Hebrew Old Testaments given out to the Hebrew students. We started up Kerrobert Kids' Klub last night. I had a great time ministering to those kids. And the parents were thanking us for coming out, but not just thanking us, they seemed extremely grateful, like we took a huge burden off of them or something. There were only 2 of us from the school who went, but 2 youth members from Kerrobert came out to help us. That was such a blessing!

I don't think I've had an enjoyable relaxing weekend like that in a long time...if ever. Let's see...what did I do? Watched people play Desert Storm 2, watched CSI, Friends, most of Bowling for Columbine, Pirates of the Carribbean, Matrix 3 (beautiful movie!!!), did a bit of shopping...yup...that about sums it up...and I loved every minute of it...even the house alarm (makes for a good story). Though I could've handled staying in Winnipeg (which is a beautiful city with wonderful buildings architecture wise), I was also excited to come back to school. I was doing fine, with the exception of being tired, until supper tonight...I was hit with the fact that I miss the g.i.r.l.s we stayed with, even though I just met them (kind of). I h.a.t.e missing people, especially when there's good reason (like it's highly possible I will never see them again). But thanks to this wonderful computer age, all is not lost (thank you Blogger, et al.). So now I continue on and wait for the next exciting thing to happen...a friend from home is gonna come visit me at school...YAY!!!

Ugh! What a night. I should've just stayed here the whole time. I went to watch Pirates of the Carribbean. When I got there, I waited in a nice line-up for tickets, then pop and popcorn...then the doors I have to go through to go into the movie are the dumb ones that you have to press the handle down, so I ended up spilling a large coke down my pant leg and on the carpet. The theatre was so packed, I didn't even bother trying to find a eat...I just sat in the back on the kids' booster seats. It was fine though. Anywho, so then I get back to the place where I'm staying and, though I was given a key, I was not given the alarm code. So I get back and the alarm goes off and the cops come, then they leave, then it goes off again. I felt so bad for the dog...it was hard enough on my ears. So now we sit, me and the dog, waiting for people to come home, afraid to go anywhere in case the alarm goes off again, well, I am anyways.

So I'm on the WAT list for the Syria team. I was so excited when I found out that is where we'd be going. And I got even more excited when I was told there's a possibility (small, but there) that we could join a tour in Israel while we're out that way. The thing with WAT is that we're supposed to ask our parents for permission. If they say no, it doesn't mean we don't go, necessarily, but it does make things more complicated. So last night I called home and asked my parents if I had their permission. They said no. They don't think it's safe. But they did say that I'm an and can make my own decision. And they're right...I am 24 after all. So last night I was faced with the decision of obeying God by honoring my parents or obeying God by following where He I believe He is calling me to go. While I was praying in chapel this morning, the words "leave your parents and come and follow me" ran through my head. I'm not sure if that was from God or if that was me making excuses for myself to go. For now I will continue praying for God to soften my parents' hearts in this matter and to confirm to me one way or the other aboutgoing on this missions trip.

Sorry I haven't updated for so long. I was away on Contact Weekend from Friday morning till Sunday night (which I was really sick for), then I was just kinda outta the habit of blogging. I've also been pretty busy trying to get a bunch of assignments done before I go away this weekend (2 more days...YAY!!!). I'm glad I got over being sick before this weekend, that would've sucked to not be able to go (or to get everyone else sick on the way there). God's been doing so much in my heart and mind over the last couple weeks...I am falling so much deeper in love with Him! Perhaps I'll write more about this some other time.

Welcome to the post competition...this is number 3 for the day. So, a week and a half ago I got a sunburn...today it is snowing. Other than the craziness of weather, life has been...good. I haven't really been stressed out like much of the student body, assignments and quizzes and exams have gone well, and I've been having a great time hanging out with other students. ... I want to go on an OM ship!!! One day, I will get there...one day, when I'm finished school here.

This shouldn't be surprising to me, but it really was...some of the g.i.r.l.s felt an urgent need for prayer last night, so we had a dorm prayer time last night. It was beautiful seeing everyone come together, just seeking after God. One thing that sparked it was a message on our message board informing us that there is a pact between at least 20-30 youth in Welland, Ontario to commit s.u.i.c.i.d.e on Halloween night, and that we need to pray for them and others who may be in a similar situation.

Check this out: theinterviewwithgod.com

Monday, Wednesday, and Friday mornings between 9:30 and 10:30 are my favorite times to be in the school lounge. There's hardly anybody here. There are only like 5 people in the school who don't have a class during that time. It's beautiful...very peaceful. I am so excited! We have Contact Weekend this weekend, then the following weekend I'm heading to Winnipeg!!!!! From various blog readings, I have somewhat of an idea of what might take place, but I'm just excited to go there! 11 more days!!!!!! I watched Matrix and Matrix Reloaded (with the exception of a 5 minute scene) on Saturday. I enjoyed watching the movies, but I also had a great time hanging out with people I don't normally hang out with. Anywho, I've got a Leadership paper due tomorrow. It involves looking into my own life: past, present, and future. I've enjoyed it so far, so I hope it continues on.

You are Neo, from "The Matrix." You
display a perfect fusion of heroism and
compassion.


What Matrix Persona Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

For the longest time I have been sick of being only in Christian communities (Abbotsford and FGBI). While it is nice to live in, it doesn't give me a picture of what the world is really like. I don't understand what it means to be persecuted for my faith. I don't understand what it's like to share Christ with someone who has a strong faith in a different religion. I want to make a difference in this world. I am available for God to use me, and He knows that. I hadn't planned on going on WAT this summer, but this morning it just hit me. I told myself this morning that if someone gave me $3000 or whatever to go on WAT, I would go. So I realized, then, that the only reason I wasn't planning on going on WAT was because of finances. So, I have decided to sign up and see what God does. I know if He wants me to go, He'll make it happen...just like last year, or better.

How is it that people you hang out with don't seem to understand you, but someone you don't even really know seems to understand you so well? I suppose, though, that no one really understands you in every area, but that there are certain people who understand certain things at certain times, so you don't think you're going crazy. Understand?

Ow. Pain. Football yesterday was great and I wish I could have played more. I also wish that I would learn to stretch after I play. My muscles are sore for the above reason. My face is sore 'cause I got a sunburn...ya, you heard me...a sunburn. In the middle of October! Anywho. And the rest of me is sore from getting knocked around yesterday. I look forward to doing it all again next year! Our boys won the "B" championship game yesterday. It was a gooder...we were down a touchdown, but then got one, and it was still tied within the last minute of play, then we scored again. Yay boys!

I couldn't believe it at Kids Klub yesterday. The last 2 weeks, we've only has 9 or 10 kids, but yesterday we had 18! We weren't prepared for it. There weren't enough name tags and one of the guys who helps out when he can wasn't able to make it yesterday. Once again, God provided for us, bringing another person in to help. That was such a blessing. And we had an awesome time with the kids. We're going through the Ten Commandments with them, via puppet shows, skits, stories, Bible reading, memory verses, etc. Most of the kids are Christians, but they need to be discipled. Pray for this when you get a chance. Thanks.

We had class prayer this morning. I missed it second semester last year, but I remember it from first semester last year. It seems that no matter how far apart our class may seem to get at times, when we come together like that to pray, we become connected again. There are so many amazing things that happen here, and this is one of them.

Why is the only art I am good at the art of procrastination? ... I'm going, I'm going!!!

You are Legolas- the patient loving elf. you are a
very accepting person and wont put up with any
crap from people putting your friends down. You
sure know how to battle, and do it in style- if
such thing is possible.
by the way- can i have your number?


LOTR - Which Helm's deep Soldier are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

One complaint right now: I really dislike not being able to type certain words on these computers because for some reason somebody finds them offensive.

I was overwhelmed by all the people here (some for a wedding reception and some for a family reunion), so I went to the dorm where I was the only person there. I read a book I have to do a review on, but turned up my music so I wouldn't fall asleep reading again. Now, normally I wouldn't play the cds I played last night, but decided if I put anything else on I would not be able to read because I would end up worshiping God. The funny thing is, though, that I ended up worshiping God through these other cds anyways. I felt so close to God last night, it was wonderful. Just me and Him. Though I love my friends dearly, my favorite time is time alone with God. I'm glad I finally realize that. (I know it's not technically till tomorrow, but Happy Thanksgiving!!!).

I walk through the dorm, through the school, having no real sense of time. I sit in my room doing homework, reading my Bible, listening to music, writing, whatever I feel like, really. My only "responsibility" is to go to meals and help clean up for a few minutes after each. There are a few other students to see. 8 guys and 4 other g!rls to be exact. Meals are our connection, but for the most part many of us remain to ourselves. I had thought this would be a weekend for homework, and I will do some, but already I know that it will be more than that. Pressures are off, distractions are gone. This weekend will be a time of reflection and a time that God will do a major work in my life. As He searches my heart and helps me to find myself, there will be a greater vulnerability than I have offered before. That thought frightens me, but I embrace the challenge, wanting to go ever deeper with God: my Creator, Father, Friend, Savior, and the Lover of my soul.

I got my Leadership paper done and I'm ready for the Greek quiz. This adds up to much less stress in my life. We've got Boredome Busters (Eston Kids' Klub) tomorrow. Hopefully we'll have more than 9 kids show up now that we've changed the day it's on. I'm one of like 6 people staying at the school this weekend, which I'm kinda looking forward to. I hope to get a whole lot of homework done, making the rest of this semester extremely enjoyable.

"God's funny." These are the last words I said to one of my friends after chapel tonight. Matt Redman's song "Blessed Be The Name of the Lord" is becoming even more real and powerful in my life. For the longest time all I could focus on was the part that says "when the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say, 'Blessed be...Your glorious name.'" "You give and take away" were also words that had hit me pretty hard. Tonight, though, more words struck a cord in my heart. I have been asked to sacrifice something to God, but it has been a very difficult process getting to a point where I understand the sacrifice and am willing to make the sacrifice. I'm not quite ready to give it all up, but I'm so close. The line in the song is "though there's pain in the offering, Blessed be Your name." When we sang this tonight, God had already got me thinking about previous times something like this had happened, but not quite to this extreme, and He showed me that if I am faithful to make this sacrifice, He will prove His faithfulness to me again, bringing me through the times that feel like my world is crashing down around me. I look forward to that time, but in the mean time, I must be faithful to do my part.

Off to watch A Bug's Life!

I have heard time and time again that I (and everyone else for that matter) should not care about what other people think. For the longest time, I believed this and was struggling with it greatly. After a conversation I had yesterday, I began to really think about what this means. My thoughts were like this: If I don't care what people think, then I don't really care about people. But maybe that's not quite it. Maybe it's that I should care what people think, just not what people think about me. I then started to think about how I allow people to affect me and I came to the conclusion that, overall, I don't let what people think affect me, not the way that you would normally think. It's not that I care about what people think about ME, it's that I care about what people think about God. I am supposed to be an example of Christ to others and if people see something other than that, I need to work on things that they see as contradictory to God's character.

I think I may have realized this morning why I don’t often open up to people. I know I’m not the only one in this position, so I just hope this can encourage others out there. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, who I have opened up to in the past has, in one way or another, been taken away from me after just a short time. I have been seeing the beginning stages of this cycle occuring with a few people recently. My first thoughts were that I should just back off before I get hurt, but I know that is not the right thing to do. No matter how other people respond, I need to continue showing the love of God to them. This goes against my ways of self-protection and puts me in a position of vulnerability which I need to learn to grow in. I am beginning to understand the saying “it’s better to have l.o.v.e.d and lost than never to have l.o.v.e.d at all.” I cannot control people's reactions, but I can control my actions and my attitude. I was thinking why I allow some people to get to know me and decided it was because I believe they can have a positive impact on my life. After coming to that conclusion, I realized that everyone can have that kind of impact on me, if only I would let them. I also realized that this is not a good way to view people. It is from my old way of thinking and I know that my new way of thinking needs to overpower the old way. I need to open up so others can see a different reflection of God's character. Sorry this was kinda jumbled.

So, "Spiritual Giftings" chapel last night. Not exactly what I expected, but good nonetheless. One of the people speaking talked about getting quiet before God. I related to the part about having thoughts or songs running through my mind while attempting to listen to God. I gotta work through that. It'll probably be one of the most difficult things I've had to do.

JEREMY AND MELISSA GOT ENGAGED YESTERDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Those who knew me before March this year know that I usually cry over everything and anything. Since that time, however, I have found it nearly impossible to cry. Only one person made me cry when school was over last year and until last night I hadn't cried since (that I remember). While watching What A Gi.rl Wants last night, I was doing fairly well, until the end. I didn't cry cry, but tears ere there for about a minute. I was feeling really meh last night, so before I went to bed I asked one of the s to pray for me. She asked me what was going on and I said I didn't really know, so she just began to pray. She began praying in tongues and the tears started flowing again, a little bit. She told me about a picture God gave her and the description was right on target. Everything she prayed for after that was also right on with how I was feeling, even though I hadn't really realized it. After she prayed, she was just talking with me and the things she was saying were exactly what I needed to hear. God had met me where I was, in a way that I could understand. I went back to my room, curled up and cried for a while. It felt really good. I went to bed, resting in God's love. ... This afternoon someone I look up to came to visit at the school for an hour or two while passing through on her way home. She used to work at the school and in less than a year she impacted my life so much. I miss having her here, but I know that she is where God wants her.

I got a card today in which one of my friends wrote some wonderful words about me. Part of me smiled, part of me cringed. It is always nice to hear people say nice things, but at the same time I know another part of myself. Even if others do not seem to see it, or if they do they don't say anything, I see it and God sees it. What other people think IS important to me. More important than it should be. Believing that they do not see this other side of me makes me feel safe. I do, however, wish that those who do see this side would tell me because sometimes I do not even see it myself. Knowing that God knows this part of me is difficult. Viewing Him as a parent is hard because I have been able to hide who I am from my parents, but I cannot hide who I am from God. There is nothing I can ever do to please Him. No matter what I do, I will never be good enough. This hurts. The only thing that gets me through this is the idea of His grace. Oh to fully understand this concept! Grace and unconditional love are 2 (of many) things I do not understand. I am extremely grateful for them, but I do not understand them.

So I am now 24 years old. Though I should enjoy the fact that God has given me another year, the thought of being 24 hurt my attitude all day, from the moment I woke up until now. For so long I looked forward to being 23 and that was the first birthday I ended up not spending with my family. I enjoyed being 23. I really did. Now it is over. God has given me so much time, but I have wasted much of it on meaningless things. I know that I can not change this, but I can change the pattern of my life and set my sights higher. My new hope is that I would be obedient to my God, following in His footsteps, listening to His voice. I need to go where He asks me to, even when it means I leave people behind who I love so dearly.

So I get back from church yesterday and instead of taking my bible to my room, I just put it on the shelf inside the school. After lunch I went back to the dorm and decided to make a phone call. When I got off the phone, I went back in my room and saw my bible sitting on my bed (which I just spelled bead, but anyways). I was so confused because I didn’t remember coming into my room before I made the phone call. I played it over in my head a couple times: came upstairs, went to go through the door by the phone to go to my room, but decided to make the call before going to my room. I was sure that was what happened, but I couldn’t understand how my bible got in my room, so I just decided I was crazy and had actually put my bible in my room before phoning. Later, at supper, my friend says: “You left your bible on the shelf, so I put it in your room for you.” Unbelievable! I explained my side of the story, then we laughed and laughed and laughed! A few minutes later, that same friend says to another friend of ours: “Hey! You’ve got 4 fingers and a thumb…you’re normal!” We were just like “WHAT???” then continued to laugh some more. And finally, sitting around the table in the dorm, another says: “The farthest I’ve been into Manitoba is 6 hours into BC.” After the big cloud of confusion lifted, laughter broke out yet again! Needless to say, this was a day of strange conversations and much, MUCH laughter!

I don't really know what to do. I am in a state of blah. No other word for it. Just blah. There is something I need to do, but I don't know what it is. I need to step out, but I don't know which direction to go in. So much more going on that I can't even describe right now. Blah.

K, I don't usually remember dreams and I kinda wish I hadn't remembered this one 'cause it was really freaky to me. The first part was just weird and a little fraky, but the last part really freaked me out. Allow me to explain. If you don't know the names, don't worry, it's no big deal, it just makes it easier to explain. Andrea and Mandy were standing out in the parking lot of the 2 s dorms. Looking west, I saw a big fire cloud twisting together like a tornado. I pointed it out to Andrea because she had seen it come before. It stopped above us and changed into the shape of an alien. At some point something happened to Mandy. She just wan't herself. I tried dumping some icy drink over her head, but hse wasn't really affected. (This was done on the steps going into the school. As Mandy and I went into the school, Darlene Pinter also seemed to have been taken over and was swinging a bat at me. All of a sudden I had a bat too, but then as I was hitting her bat to defend myself, she ended up with 2 bats. The only thing that was kind of working for me was that it seemed to surprise her when I actually hit her with my bat. Then I decided to hit one of her bats so that another one would appear so I could have 2 as well. As I hit her bat, another one shot out and went behind the least used cafeteria door. When I went to get it, I saw Katie Verhaeghe who wasn't completely taken over, but a little bit still. As I was fighting of Darlene by the cafeteria, I was suddenly away from her and following Katie towards the chapel. It was almost completely dark this whole time. Scott Francis was standing by one of the first chapel doors, but Katie walked right by him. On my way past, I poked Scott with the on bat I still had (I don;t know what happened to the other one) and I said, "Looking for someone?" while pointing at Katie. As he went to get her, I hid by the washrooms by the chapel till they walked past again. I then heard Scott say to Katie, "Step into my ____" (I don't remember what he called it) while holding the door open for her. I then remembered that I had known about the chapel before, that it was full of demons. Like, FULL of them. I ran in there, right up front to the middle because that's where they were strongest and I began to mutter Jesus' name. As I was doing so, the demons began to overpower me and stop me from saying anything. I yelled, "Jesus!" once, waking myself up. So that was at like 5:20 this morning, so I didn't bother going back to sleep.

What a wonderful time last night. I am truly enjoying being at a place of growth in my walk with God. It has been a while since I have been at this place because God has had to do a lot of work with me over the years. As I went to bed last night I got this unbelievable feeling of being rocked to sleep in God's arms. Beautiful, absolutely beautiful.

Something to contemplate: p*rnography and chic flicks both give unrealistic expectations for people in relationships.

What a beautiful carefree day yesterday! Things got started at church where the congregation was challenged to set aside anything that hindered us from having God at the centre of our lives. This did not crush me as it could have because God had dealt with me in that area the previous two days. Next was lunch. Sunday lunches at FGBI are almost guaranteed to include chicken (my favorite). After great food and a bit of chit chat, me and some friends headed to the city (Saskatoon) for a movie. Back home I would never even consider driving 2 hours to go watch a movie, but I guess that's 'cause there's no need to. We watched Finding Nemo, then proceeded to Subway where we spent about an hour and a half of our time due to expired bags of chips and the "need" for freshly baked cookies. Two hours later we arrive back home (school, whatever) safely. Safely being the key word there since there were a couple people in the car who thought it was imperative that we pray before we leave (bad feeling or something). I have learned that prayer before a trip is a great idea, and who knows what would've happened if we hadn't. An all s day...it was great!

One thing that sucks about not being married is that when I read books on marriage and sit in my Marriage and Family Counselling class, I have trouble truly understanding. All I am able to do right now is allow the concepts to fillmy mind and apply them to the friendships and what not that I do have. I know it's not the same, but it's all I can do for now. There are things I learned I still have to deal with, including forgiving certain people and asking for forgiveness from certain people. I pray that I will have the courage to do these things,yes so I can move on with life, but also because these are things that Christ asks of me.
One thing I learned about marriage last semester, which gave me a greater desire to get married, is that the marriage relationship is a way to further my relationship with God, which is the greatest desire of my life and hopefully always will be.

It was such a beautiful time in chapel last night. The service was focused on glorifying god and worshiping Him in different ways. One way was to say briefly how studying something about God has impacted us. Two things that I can think of are that the King died for me and that God is above all wisdom. This last one really impacted me on Thursday night. I tend to go to people, rather than God, for advice. I will say though that I know God speaks through people. I am constantly amazed at how people speak, the words of wisdom that come from them. When I heard the song Above All on Thursday night, I got really excited because those words about God being above all wisdom finally became real to me.

I've been forcing myself to hang out with people in the lounge and in the dorm. I think it's been going well so far. It is so awesome to see how people act around each other this year. Already I see a change from last year. I am definitely getting the whole sense of brotherly-sisterly love (ie. playfights/arguments). those probably aren't the right examples to give, but I don't know what else to call it. Until yesterday I was noticing that any time I said anything, people weren't paying attention at all. If we were sitting in a group and other people were talking, it was like everybody's attention was on them, but as soon as it was my turn to speak, everybody was just off doing their own thing. Yesterday, for the couple of times that i did say something, people actually seemd to listen. It was nice. I think it was just a mind game. More lies being spoken to me before. Now that I am trying to daily give my life over to God and now that I have told Him that I want Him to have control over my tongue, I am getting a new perspective on how people see me and I am enjoying it. If it wasn't a mind game, the other thing it could be is that because I was sincere in asking God to have control over my tongue, He has changed me in a way that people have noticed. I actually think it might be both of these.
We had our annual "Outting to the Hills" yesterday. I had so much fun getting to know more people, going through the different activities, oh, and the river was amazing! It was surprisingly muggy out yesterday, so to be able to dive into that river was a huge blessing. Especially being after all of the events. It was a great time of worship and testimonies around a fire afterwards. A few people who shared last year shared lst night as well. Seeing the difference in their lives in just one year was so exciting!

Getting better at meeting new people. There's still about 11 guys I don't know yet, but it'll happen some time over the next 8 months. I'm really looking forward to the things God is doing and is going to do this year. Although I cannot place my finger on the change occurring within me, I know it is happening and I kinda like it :)

How dare I put anyone ahead of God? He is bigger than the air I breathe. He is bigger than the world we'll leave. He is my Glorious! We had a great opening service at school tonight. God began a major work in the hearts of His children, but it is only the beginning. One thing I found out is that i have been lied to a lot this summer. Not by people, necessarily, but by the enemy. It was brought to my attention that because the enemy does not know my thoughts, when I rebuke him I need to do it OUT LOUD!

This is from earlier today:
Talk is cheap. I did the whole WAT presentation thing today, which, whatever, but we had an “activity” today in the lounge involving a lot of improv stuff. Like I said before, I having people's attention on me, so I kept to myself as much as possible and chose not to actively participate in the activities. Now, only a few days after my last post, I am already going against the convictions that I have in my heart. I will now make excuses for myself, which are just that, excuses. I am not an overly creative individual. I have a hard enough time thinking of things to say normally, when I have time to think, let alone when I am put on the spot. I believe these activities that go on are meant to be entertaining, so because I believe that I do not have the ability to entertain people on my own, I leave these activities to those who are more able to do so. I believe these excuses with everything in me, and that is why I am having such a hard time getting out in front of people. I am often bored and lonely, no matter where I am, and I know that my life is a lot of what I make of it and that no one else can do anything to change any of this. I know that it is an area that I have to let God have, but I seem to keep holding on to it.

In regards to the “friends as idols” post, that seems to have been worked through. I am finding that the more time (real time) I spend with God, the more I see Him as the only one in true glory. It is not that I am liking my friends any less, it's just that I am more able to see them through the eyes of God.

This is from Monday:
Let the stretching begin! The intro week has just begun and I have already been asked to step out of my comfort zone. Thursday is the big day where I get to get up in front of my peers and tell them about my WAT trip this past summer. I do not like having people's attention on me, but I am going to do this because I want to be available to God in any way He asks. I've talked to my family and friends about this trip. I've even gotten up in front of my church and told them, but there is something about talking in front of many people who are closer to my age. This is another area of fear in my life, possibly related to that previously mentioned. I make myself go through these things, however, because I know that God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind. My hope is that if I continually accept these challenges in my life, I will be able to claim the victory that Christ has already won over my fears and have one less hindrance in my walk with Christ. I know also that even if I am never comfortable being in the spotlight, I can count it a blessing, knowing that it is part of my being crucified with Christ.

This is from Sunday:
Today in church I was reminded of something that God has asked me about before. Are my friends idols who I put before Him? I have struggled with this question many times and at one point I realized that this has been the case. The first time I realized this, I made a vow to God and I limited the time I spent with my friends. I have tried not to let my friends become overly important to me, but I am unsure as to where to draw the line. I believe there are some people in my life who I place high value on, higher than I should. I do not know how to remedy this situation. At times I just stay away from those people, but I consider them my friends, making this hard to do. I know that if I really love these people as my friends, I cannot place such a high value on them. I know that I need to see them for who they are. The thing that I struggle with concerning this, however, is that we are supposed to see people as God sees them. To me this means that we know that they are not perfect, that they still sin, but that they are made perfect through the redeeming blood of Christ. These people that I am talking about have been redeemed through Christ and they lead me into a deeper relationship with God. I know, though, that I do not see all people through the eyes of God and that is why I believe it is not necessarily a godly value that I am placing on these people. If anyone has anything to say about this, comments would be greatly appreciated.

Why is it that I say I love God, but I do everything but spend time with Him even when I want to? I mean, He's always available to me. I know He wants to spend time with me. When there are people here I want to spend time with, I don't go find them and spend time with them either. I know with people it's a fear of rejection, which is just a stupid insecurity issue that I have to deal with, but with God, I know He won't reject me. I know He is the only one who truly understands me. I know He is the only one who can give me real truth. Why do I so greatly desire to spend more of my time with people than with God? Why do I know, yet not understand, that I can only be truly satisfied with God? Why do I find it so difficult to communicate verbally, when it seems to come so easily just sitting in my room typing these things out? I was hoping that one of the effects of me starting to blog would be that it would help me get my thoughts flowing, making it easier to communicate with others. Perhaps it will take more time than I had hoped. Perhaps this will be the only way I can ever share myself with people. What a horrible thought: living life, attempting to build relationships via a computer. I will not let that happen! I will make it through this painful process of opening up to people! God, help me.

I like having the freedom to do things at my own pace, but at the same time I know I need to get out of this comfort zone of mine and get through things faster. This is for every area of my life. There are things I know I need to deal with, but I keep putting them off for various reasons. There are so many things I need to do and want to do, but I don't do them. I so greatly admire and respect those who have the discipline to not put things off. I need that. In regards to yesterday's post, I will have to wait and see about hose "deeper friendships" until I can move into the dorm and more people get here.

If anyone wants to read some great writing, check out www.littlekermode.com or www.littlekermode.blogspot.com

A desire to be open with people, yet a fear of being too open. It is so hard to know which people are comfortable going to a deeper level. There are some people I want to go to a deeper level with, but after taking steps in that direction, the whole friendship seemed to be set back a lot. I know I can't do anything about other people's reactions, but facing my fear of rejection is something I am having a difficult time setting myself up to learn. I know I shouldn't care what people think, but I do. I don't know how to change that right now. I wish I could. I wish I could believe with all I am the truth that God is all I need. His opinion is the only one that should matter. This, however, brings me back to the seemingly contradictory statement of: We're supposed to be completely dependent upon and satisfied with God, but He gave us other people to have relationships with. People He uses to speak to us. I don't get it. I don't know if I ever will. This is not what's on my heart right now, well, not all of it anyways, but I don't know what the other stuff is yet, so I'm gonna go try to figure it out. Audios!

Well, my stuff is in my room now...now if only I could get there. It's all good though...I can spend all day there if I want to, which I should for a while 'cause I still have to finish arranging my room. I'm taking my car to Kindersley today to get a Saskatchewan Inspection done on it. Please pray that it will pass 'cause if it doesn't and there's a lot of money needed for repairs, my dad's gonna come get it and take it back to BC!

I'm here. I want to move into my room. I got to school around 8 this morning and had the pleasure of getting 3 people out of bed. I'm looking forward to tonight and to when the rest of the student leadership team arrives. Unless something changes, I get the room I wanted most. ... So, I asked my mom the other day if I used to ask questions when I was younger. She said except for those such as "Can I go to so and so's house?", I never asked questions. I asked her because I have found myself unable to think up good questions on a regular basis (like more than once a year) and because there are other people (even 8 year olds) who seem to have no problem coming up with thought provoking questions. I have recently started to try to think of some good questions, but I have a difficult time doing so. Hopefully it will come with time and practice.

Ya know-->Going the posted speed limit or less has been getting easier. I feel bad for those behind me though, so when it's reasonable I pull over to let them pass me. ... I can't believe I haven't started packing yet. I have until 11:30 tomorrow morning to pack, then a couple hours tomorrow night. Good thing most of my stuff's at school already. ... My friends' parents celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary today. God is so good. ... Today I heard the song "I Could Only Imagine" and for the first time I really listened to the words. I have liked that song from the first time I heard it and I would sing along whenever I heard it, but the words actually became a part of me today. It is such a beautiful song. ... Lili-Kayy and I leave Monday morning around 6. Please pray for us as we try to find a way to by-pass the fires. ... Why do people only listen to you when it is something they want to hear? Why is it so easy for thoughts to be planted in our minds through other people's words?

After visiting with my grandma today, and cleaning my dad's headstone, my mom and I went to our cousin's place to visit. While there, she was discussing with us some of the many words the Lord has spoken to her. The whole time, I was sitting there desiring to have God speak to me in ways He has spoken to her. I told her I had been thinking that. Before I left, she told me she wanted to pray for me. She got her anointing oil, then prayed for me, including that God would open my ears to hear Him. Today as I was driving to work, I got convicted again about obeying God. I constantly ask Him to show me things or to tell me what He wants me to do. As I was asking Him today, He reminded me, again, that He HAS told me what He wants me to do, but I don't do it. He tells me in the Bible. My instructions are written write out, yet I cannot seem to follow them. The Word says those who are faithful with the small things will be given much. If I cannot even do the things that He has written out for me (like obeying the law of speeding: going any speed above the posted limit even if it's only 1km), how can I expect Him to give me anything more? This does not seem to be taken to the extreme with most people, that I'm aware of, but this is how God has chosen to work in and through me. Obeying the Ten Commandments, not worrying, trusting Him, loving my neighbor/my enemy...so many more instructions, some I know, some I have yet to discover. It will be a long, hard process being consistantly faithful in these areas...a process I may never complete until I am in Heaven, but one which I must strive for nonetheless. I love my God, and I desire to serve Him and worship Him in all that I do. I must press on no matter what, and if I get a word/vision from the Lord, I will know that it is not because of anything I have DONE, but it is because He has decided to give me this blessing.

My computer is working wonderfully and I got a new monitor. My car will be available for me after I get off work tomorrow. I plan to arrive in Eston in 6 days. These things make me happy right now, but my happiness is slightly overshadowed by the questions running through my mind concerning all of the fires and the lack of rain. I am quick to question God as to why He allows this to happen and He has been quick to assure me that He is in control. Given that, I have a peace about things that are happening, giving me more time to focus on God. Even now I am losing my ability to "hide". He is searching my heart and I am being forced to do the same. I feel lost, alone, helpless, confused...so many things. I don't even know where to begin right now, but I know I need to go start somewhere. Good night.

Soon I will go back to school. Soon I will be forced to face who I am. Soon I will be asked to make changes. Soon God will touch my life like never before. I am excited, yet scared, of all I will face at school this year. I don't know what to expect, but I know it will be hard. I wait, curious as to what will occur, but I am at peace, knowing that my God will bring me through. I seem more able to "hide" from God while I am at home. I believe that is why I look forward to going back to school. I don't WANT to hide, it just seems to happen.

I hate not having my computer!!!!! Now that I'm working at that other job I don't have much opportunity to get on the internet very often, but I am so thankful that I got this job. I am enjoying it for the most part and I have met some pretty cool people since working there. It is weird to know that I have only 8 days of work left there. And only 13 days till I leave for school! Money...so hard not having any. And when this world seems to be run by it, it is so hard not to fall into the trap of having it dictate my life. I do know, however, that I will not let it have control over me. On another note, my mom is off on worker's comp now because she hurt her hand at work. My family and I have been telling her for yearrs to go on disability because she is always working in pain. She's been in pain since she was in a car accident in 1970. She hasn't stopped working though because... I don't know why she hasn't, but I know that she is a hard worker. This is a good quality, but it also leaves her in much pain. There are some others I know who are like this and these people I admire greatly, but I also feel like I have to be a morther to them. I know it's not my responsibility, but if they (including my mom) aren't going to take care of themselves, somebody's got to.

After being hurried along from one job to another it is nice to have some time to myself. Though Imay not be a fan of the job I just got, I know that God provided it for me and for that I am thankful. I started on the 5th and my last scheduled day is the 23rd. In between, I have 3 days off...2 Sundays (because I told my boss I wouldn't work on Sundays) and 1 Friday. Seeing that schedule helps me see even more how soon I will be leaving. I am enjoying spending time with my friends here. There's just something about those you've been friends with for years that you can't get anywhere else. I am also waiting for the day when I return to school, seeing those from last year, especially those few close friends who impacted my life like no others. I amespecially looking forward to seeing new faces. I remember when I first got to FGBI. I was the first student there, besides student leadership. I had no clue how things worked and I wasn't comfortable just going up and talking to people. It was nice to get my room all set up and help people move into their rooms when they arrived. Oh! And waiting and waiting and waiting for my roommate to arrive. I was very excited to meet her, but it was along wait. Like I said, I was one of the first to arrive...and she was one of the last. I had a great year, but I know this year will be even better. I know in my spirit that God is going to do so much at FGBI this year and others I have talked to have said the same. 17 days, so much left to do!

I'm back from Nanaimo. I had a great time visiting with friends. Even though I didn't know what to expect when I went there, I know that it wasn't how things turned out. It was so fun though, every day I was there. I've now worked 2 days at my new job. The thing helping me get through it is knowing that there's only a possible 15 days left that I can work. Something that was brought to my attention again this weekend is that no matter what job I am doing, I am not doing it for the money, or the experience, but I am doing it for God. No matter what I am doing, I need to see it as an act of worship of God. I had 6 hours at work today, basically by myself. During those 6 hours, I was trying to fix my thoughts on God, trying to listen to Him, but my mind kept being drawn to the task at hand. I was also reminded this weekend that thinking about God and the things of God is a discipline. I need to train to do this. For someone who didn't realize the value and importance of thinking until they were 23, this will be a hard thing to do, but I know it can be done. Please pray for me. ... Ah, I don't know what to do. I'm so confused about so many things...I don't even know where to begin. I can't make sense of everything in my mind right now, but I feel as though I need to keep typing until I find out. ... Maybe not...I just gotta go spend time with God. Goodnight.

Hey guys! Check out Friday's Cry.

As I was reading my Bible this morning, I was reading Joshua and began to think of what would happen if that army, the way it was, came accross the U.S. army. My first thoughts were that the Israelites would have been destroyed so quickly because they wouldn't have been ready for the types of weapons that are now available. As I continued to think about this however, I realized that if God wants it to happen, even the seemingly weakest army could defeat the U.S. army.

On another note, a friend and I went to Cowichan Camp last night. I got to see a few more FGBI friends and enjoy a worship service. There are so many people who make commitments at these camps but they seem to forget it after a week or so of being back home. The leadership prayed that this would not happen, but that the people would take what they've learned and go impact the world around them. I know it's easier to follow God when you've got the "high" from these camps and conferences, but I learned at FGBI that we cannot depend on our feelings, but that we need to continue to worship God and serve Him based on the Truth He has given us. Even when the world seems to close in on you, when you feel like nobody, not even God, cares about you, it is important to praise God and to seek Him with the little you feel you have left.

Erin and Dave are getting married today! Congratulations you two!

I'm in Nanaimo! Don't have much time right now, but I thought I'd let you all know I got a job that will last until I go back to school!

Earlier this month I began writing a comparison story of Mario's quest in the Super Mario Bros series and our quest as Christians, so imagine my surprise when I opened an email this morning and found out that one of the guys from school had used the comparison of Mario getting "flower power" to people receiving the Holy Spirit. When I read that, I laughed so hard. It was great, yet strange to know someone else had that strange mindset.
Time is going by so quickly! I'm going to the Island this weekend, then the following weekend I might be going to the Symphony of Fire, the weekend after that is my brother's birthday, then the following weekend is my friends' parents' anniversary, then I leave for school on Monday the 25th (Lord willing). So much to do, so little time!

I got lotsa stuff today for FGBI sports : ) I hate not having my own computer...I'm in such a rush. I've been questioning why I've been thinking so much about why I'm teaching Sunday School and thinking of teaching ESL when I know I'm not a teacher. My two thoughts are it's not of God or it's a way God makes sure I'm trusting Him, not me and my abilities. Well, gotta run.

And the money continuees to roll in...I got a call just after 7 this morning from my pastor who's moving this weekend. He was panicked and rushed and asked me if he could hire me to go clean his house. He told me that I had until 12 because that's when the other people were coming to move in. I agreed and a little over an hour later began my cleaning. With about 45 minutes left, I began to panick. There was still so much to do! I though I was just cleaning, but there was some packing to do as well. I didn't know what to keep and what to throw out. Luckily my mommy came to my rescue when she came to pick me up at 11:45. She came in and we got everything together just as my pastor came home to load the stuff into the truck. It was a lot of work, but it sure paid off. I got even more money than I had agreed to even though I had thought that what I was getting paid in the first place was too much. This can now go towards paying for all those lovely books I bought yesterday. Praise the Lord!

Leaving for school...so close yet so far away...1 month to the day.

Teaching ESL overseas...is this God speaking to me??? What to do? What to do?

God has given me so much today! Actually, it all started last night. We had such a wonderful time of worship at church last night...it was very evident that people were being very dependent on God...it was beautiful.
Today I spent more money that I don't have, but I belive it was a good investment. I went to our local Christian bookstore today to pick up a copy of The Bondage Breaker because it was on sale and I had heard good things about it. On the way, I decided that I would like to check out The Chronicles of Narnia, so I did. Turns out they were having a great sale on those (buy 2 get 1 free), so I got them all except The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe which was all sold out, but I ordered a copy of it, so my collection would be complete. Now, you would think that 8 books would be enough, but I also could not resist getting the C.S. Lewis Sinature Collection consisting of Mere Christianity, The Screwtape Letters, The Great Divorce, The Problem of Pain, Miracles, and A Grief Observed. It was a box set. So ya...13 books for $147 and 1 more book on the way.
I got home and found a letter in the mail from school saying it would be best to make changes now if I was going to, so I did and guess what? I GET TO TAKE GREEK!!! I'm so excited...it didn't seem all that likely that I could, but I can!
I began to more seriously contemplate teaching ESL overseas. I would love to do it, but I need to get over this whole thought of it being something my parents wouldn't want me to do.
I also began to think of what I would have to buy to play sports this year...and how much it would cost. I then got a phone call asking me if I wanted to do another paper route, so I said yes, realizing later that that should cover the cost of my cleets, shin guards, and knee pads.
Yep, that's about it.

I woke up this morning and my thumb was a little sore. I looked at it and noticed a small white spot. I was not alarmed at all. I laughed actually. You see, I spent quite a few hours playing Super Mario World on SNES. I actually forgot that I had a SNES because my ex gave it to me to play while I was at work ( some job, eh?). I've never been too sure if he gave it to me or just lent it to me, but this morning I came to the conclusion that he gave it to me. He wrapped it up and everything before giving it to me. Anyways, so it's been about a year since I have played a video game and so my thumb (actually both thumbs) began to callous. Not a good sign...I should be doing more with my time. I did, however, get a couple more chapters read in the new book I'm reading for school. It's called Intimate Allies. It was hard to get into at first because it is a book for married people, but knowing that I have to finish it I kept reading and found that it discusses much about the Bible as well, so that makes it easier to read. I mean, I tend to find things in these marriage books that also teach me about my relationships with others, but I need to keep the message of the book in focus so I can write a review about it. Well, back to more reading and SNES! Will I ever learn???

Yay! Site is now updated! I'll have to add things later on, but this is good for now.
I taught children's sunday school yesterday. 3 movies came to mind: To Sir, With Love; Dangerous Minds; Sister Act 2. Now, there were only 3 kids, and they weren't THAT bad, but I learned very quickly that the program our church has been using with these kids has not been doing what it's supposed to do. Kids are so different these days and the programs need to be too. I'm going to try to leave the program up to the other teachers to do when I go back to school and make something up on my own. I know it'll be a lot of work, but I've got a lot of time these days.

For years I have wanted to have TIME to spend with God. Just me and Him. Now I have pretty much all the time in the world and I haven't spent NEARLY enough time getting to know Him. He showed me many things over the past year and helped me put some of those things into perspective this summer. One example of this has to do with my friends. I love them dearly, and I have spent much time and energy doing what I could to make life easier for them, trying to ensure their happiness. This summer I read a book called Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb. I now realize that it is not always a good thing for people to be happy, that God is usually doing His best work in people when their lives come crashing down around them and they have nothing left, giving them no option but to turn to God. So now, no matter how much I want to revert to my ways of doing all I can to make life "peachy keen" for those I love, I now stand back and let God do His work. It's not that I have nothing to do with them. I'm still their friend, but I no longer treat them like helpess babies. I learned that this is how Jesus is with us. "Yes" answers to our prayers are often seen when we are new Christians (babies), but as we grow, Jesus holds back providing for what we see as our every need, so that we will seek God more and more, so that we will be ready when the time comes for us to move into our new Home.

I had such a great day today! One of my friends "kidnapped" me and took me to Mt. Baker. I was excited to be there, enjoying the beauty of God's creation, discussing how small we are in comparison to all that is God. I was enjoying relaxing for a while, but then the kid inside of me won over. I jumped of a ledge (not too high though 'cause I was just getting used to this feeling) into a snow bank. Snow in the middle of July! We had a short snowball fight before I claimed my freedom sliding down the icy mountain.
I have been so excited to return to school (FGBI in small town Eston, SK). Most of the people there I had not known before this year, but after 8 months of dorm life, I got to know some of them so well and have made some amazing friends who have impacted my life in a way I had longed for much of my life. The staff there is also amazing. They have so much wisdom and love that they pass on to us students. I have never related so well to teachers and staff members before and I have never even LIKED doing assignments before let alone ENJOYED doing them before. But life at FGBI is SO different from anything I've experienced before. We really are a family and God is our focus. Well, we try anyways.
That's more than I thought I'd write tonight, for my first blog, and I was going to keep going, but that's enough for now.