I like having the freedom to do things at my own pace, but at the same time I know I need to get out of this comfort zone of mine and get through things faster. This is for every area of my life. There are things I know I need to deal with, but I keep putting them off for various reasons. There are so many things I need to do and want to do, but I don't do them. I so greatly admire and respect those who have the discipline to not put things off. I need that. In regards to yesterday's post, I will have to wait and see about hose "deeper friendships" until I can move into the dorm and more people get here.

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A desire to be open with people, yet a fear of being too open. It is so hard to know which people are comfortable going to a deeper level. There are some people I want to go to a deeper level with, but after taking steps in that direction, the whole friendship seemed to be set back a lot. I know I can't do anything about other people's reactions, but facing my fear of rejection is something I am having a difficult time setting myself up to learn. I know I shouldn't care what people think, but I do. I don't know how to change that right now. I wish I could. I wish I could believe with all I am the truth that God is all I need. His opinion is the only one that should matter. This, however, brings me back to the seemingly contradictory statement of: We're supposed to be completely dependent upon and satisfied with God, but He gave us other people to have relationships with. People He uses to speak to us. I don't get it. I don't know if I ever will. This is not what's on my heart right now, well, not all of it anyways, but I don't know what the other stuff is yet, so I'm gonna go try to figure it out. Audios!

Well, my stuff is in my room now...now if only I could get there. It's all good though...I can spend all day there if I want to, which I should for a while 'cause I still have to finish arranging my room. I'm taking my car to Kindersley today to get a Saskatchewan Inspection done on it. Please pray that it will pass 'cause if it doesn't and there's a lot of money needed for repairs, my dad's gonna come get it and take it back to BC!

I'm here. I want to move into my room. I got to school around 8 this morning and had the pleasure of getting 3 people out of bed. I'm looking forward to tonight and to when the rest of the student leadership team arrives. Unless something changes, I get the room I wanted most. ... So, I asked my mom the other day if I used to ask questions when I was younger. She said except for those such as "Can I go to so and so's house?", I never asked questions. I asked her because I have found myself unable to think up good questions on a regular basis (like more than once a year) and because there are other people (even 8 year olds) who seem to have no problem coming up with thought provoking questions. I have recently started to try to think of some good questions, but I have a difficult time doing so. Hopefully it will come with time and practice.

Ya know-->Going the posted speed limit or less has been getting easier. I feel bad for those behind me though, so when it's reasonable I pull over to let them pass me. ... I can't believe I haven't started packing yet. I have until 11:30 tomorrow morning to pack, then a couple hours tomorrow night. Good thing most of my stuff's at school already. ... My friends' parents celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary today. God is so good. ... Today I heard the song "I Could Only Imagine" and for the first time I really listened to the words. I have liked that song from the first time I heard it and I would sing along whenever I heard it, but the words actually became a part of me today. It is such a beautiful song. ... Lili-Kayy and I leave Monday morning around 6. Please pray for us as we try to find a way to by-pass the fires. ... Why do people only listen to you when it is something they want to hear? Why is it so easy for thoughts to be planted in our minds through other people's words?

After visiting with my grandma today, and cleaning my dad's headstone, my mom and I went to our cousin's place to visit. While there, she was discussing with us some of the many words the Lord has spoken to her. The whole time, I was sitting there desiring to have God speak to me in ways He has spoken to her. I told her I had been thinking that. Before I left, she told me she wanted to pray for me. She got her anointing oil, then prayed for me, including that God would open my ears to hear Him. Today as I was driving to work, I got convicted again about obeying God. I constantly ask Him to show me things or to tell me what He wants me to do. As I was asking Him today, He reminded me, again, that He HAS told me what He wants me to do, but I don't do it. He tells me in the Bible. My instructions are written write out, yet I cannot seem to follow them. The Word says those who are faithful with the small things will be given much. If I cannot even do the things that He has written out for me (like obeying the law of speeding: going any speed above the posted limit even if it's only 1km), how can I expect Him to give me anything more? This does not seem to be taken to the extreme with most people, that I'm aware of, but this is how God has chosen to work in and through me. Obeying the Ten Commandments, not worrying, trusting Him, loving my neighbor/my enemy...so many more instructions, some I know, some I have yet to discover. It will be a long, hard process being consistantly faithful in these areas...a process I may never complete until I am in Heaven, but one which I must strive for nonetheless. I love my God, and I desire to serve Him and worship Him in all that I do. I must press on no matter what, and if I get a word/vision from the Lord, I will know that it is not because of anything I have DONE, but it is because He has decided to give me this blessing.

My computer is working wonderfully and I got a new monitor. My car will be available for me after I get off work tomorrow. I plan to arrive in Eston in 6 days. These things make me happy right now, but my happiness is slightly overshadowed by the questions running through my mind concerning all of the fires and the lack of rain. I am quick to question God as to why He allows this to happen and He has been quick to assure me that He is in control. Given that, I have a peace about things that are happening, giving me more time to focus on God. Even now I am losing my ability to "hide". He is searching my heart and I am being forced to do the same. I feel lost, alone, helpless, confused...so many things. I don't even know where to begin right now, but I know I need to go start somewhere. Good night.

Soon I will go back to school. Soon I will be forced to face who I am. Soon I will be asked to make changes. Soon God will touch my life like never before. I am excited, yet scared, of all I will face at school this year. I don't know what to expect, but I know it will be hard. I wait, curious as to what will occur, but I am at peace, knowing that my God will bring me through. I seem more able to "hide" from God while I am at home. I believe that is why I look forward to going back to school. I don't WANT to hide, it just seems to happen.

I hate not having my computer!!!!! Now that I'm working at that other job I don't have much opportunity to get on the internet very often, but I am so thankful that I got this job. I am enjoying it for the most part and I have met some pretty cool people since working there. It is weird to know that I have only 8 days of work left there. And only 13 days till I leave for school! Money...so hard not having any. And when this world seems to be run by it, it is so hard not to fall into the trap of having it dictate my life. I do know, however, that I will not let it have control over me. On another note, my mom is off on worker's comp now because she hurt her hand at work. My family and I have been telling her for yearrs to go on disability because she is always working in pain. She's been in pain since she was in a car accident in 1970. She hasn't stopped working though because... I don't know why she hasn't, but I know that she is a hard worker. This is a good quality, but it also leaves her in much pain. There are some others I know who are like this and these people I admire greatly, but I also feel like I have to be a morther to them. I know it's not my responsibility, but if they (including my mom) aren't going to take care of themselves, somebody's got to.

After being hurried along from one job to another it is nice to have some time to myself. Though Imay not be a fan of the job I just got, I know that God provided it for me and for that I am thankful. I started on the 5th and my last scheduled day is the 23rd. In between, I have 3 days off...2 Sundays (because I told my boss I wouldn't work on Sundays) and 1 Friday. Seeing that schedule helps me see even more how soon I will be leaving. I am enjoying spending time with my friends here. There's just something about those you've been friends with for years that you can't get anywhere else. I am also waiting for the day when I return to school, seeing those from last year, especially those few close friends who impacted my life like no others. I amespecially looking forward to seeing new faces. I remember when I first got to FGBI. I was the first student there, besides student leadership. I had no clue how things worked and I wasn't comfortable just going up and talking to people. It was nice to get my room all set up and help people move into their rooms when they arrived. Oh! And waiting and waiting and waiting for my roommate to arrive. I was very excited to meet her, but it was along wait. Like I said, I was one of the first to arrive...and she was one of the last. I had a great year, but I know this year will be even better. I know in my spirit that God is going to do so much at FGBI this year and others I have talked to have said the same. 17 days, so much left to do!

I'm back from Nanaimo. I had a great time visiting with friends. Even though I didn't know what to expect when I went there, I know that it wasn't how things turned out. It was so fun though, every day I was there. I've now worked 2 days at my new job. The thing helping me get through it is knowing that there's only a possible 15 days left that I can work. Something that was brought to my attention again this weekend is that no matter what job I am doing, I am not doing it for the money, or the experience, but I am doing it for God. No matter what I am doing, I need to see it as an act of worship of God. I had 6 hours at work today, basically by myself. During those 6 hours, I was trying to fix my thoughts on God, trying to listen to Him, but my mind kept being drawn to the task at hand. I was also reminded this weekend that thinking about God and the things of God is a discipline. I need to train to do this. For someone who didn't realize the value and importance of thinking until they were 23, this will be a hard thing to do, but I know it can be done. Please pray for me. ... Ah, I don't know what to do. I'm so confused about so many things...I don't even know where to begin. I can't make sense of everything in my mind right now, but I feel as though I need to keep typing until I find out. ... Maybe not...I just gotta go spend time with God. Goodnight.

Hey guys! Check out Friday's Cry.

As I was reading my Bible this morning, I was reading Joshua and began to think of what would happen if that army, the way it was, came accross the U.S. army. My first thoughts were that the Israelites would have been destroyed so quickly because they wouldn't have been ready for the types of weapons that are now available. As I continued to think about this however, I realized that if God wants it to happen, even the seemingly weakest army could defeat the U.S. army.

On another note, a friend and I went to Cowichan Camp last night. I got to see a few more FGBI friends and enjoy a worship service. There are so many people who make commitments at these camps but they seem to forget it after a week or so of being back home. The leadership prayed that this would not happen, but that the people would take what they've learned and go impact the world around them. I know it's easier to follow God when you've got the "high" from these camps and conferences, but I learned at FGBI that we cannot depend on our feelings, but that we need to continue to worship God and serve Him based on the Truth He has given us. Even when the world seems to close in on you, when you feel like nobody, not even God, cares about you, it is important to praise God and to seek Him with the little you feel you have left.

Erin and Dave are getting married today! Congratulations you two!

I'm in Nanaimo! Don't have much time right now, but I thought I'd let you all know I got a job that will last until I go back to school!