So, "Spiritual Giftings" chapel last night. Not exactly what I expected, but good nonetheless. One of the people speaking talked about getting quiet before God. I related to the part about having thoughts or songs running through my mind while attempting to listen to God. I gotta work through that. It'll probably be one of the most difficult things I've had to do.

JEREMY AND MELISSA GOT ENGAGED YESTERDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Those who knew me before March this year know that I usually cry over everything and anything. Since that time, however, I have found it nearly impossible to cry. Only one person made me cry when school was over last year and until last night I hadn't cried since (that I remember). While watching What A Gi.rl Wants last night, I was doing fairly well, until the end. I didn't cry cry, but tears ere there for about a minute. I was feeling really meh last night, so before I went to bed I asked one of the s to pray for me. She asked me what was going on and I said I didn't really know, so she just began to pray. She began praying in tongues and the tears started flowing again, a little bit. She told me about a picture God gave her and the description was right on target. Everything she prayed for after that was also right on with how I was feeling, even though I hadn't really realized it. After she prayed, she was just talking with me and the things she was saying were exactly what I needed to hear. God had met me where I was, in a way that I could understand. I went back to my room, curled up and cried for a while. It felt really good. I went to bed, resting in God's love. ... This afternoon someone I look up to came to visit at the school for an hour or two while passing through on her way home. She used to work at the school and in less than a year she impacted my life so much. I miss having her here, but I know that she is where God wants her.

I got a card today in which one of my friends wrote some wonderful words about me. Part of me smiled, part of me cringed. It is always nice to hear people say nice things, but at the same time I know another part of myself. Even if others do not seem to see it, or if they do they don't say anything, I see it and God sees it. What other people think IS important to me. More important than it should be. Believing that they do not see this other side of me makes me feel safe. I do, however, wish that those who do see this side would tell me because sometimes I do not even see it myself. Knowing that God knows this part of me is difficult. Viewing Him as a parent is hard because I have been able to hide who I am from my parents, but I cannot hide who I am from God. There is nothing I can ever do to please Him. No matter what I do, I will never be good enough. This hurts. The only thing that gets me through this is the idea of His grace. Oh to fully understand this concept! Grace and unconditional love are 2 (of many) things I do not understand. I am extremely grateful for them, but I do not understand them.

So I am now 24 years old. Though I should enjoy the fact that God has given me another year, the thought of being 24 hurt my attitude all day, from the moment I woke up until now. For so long I looked forward to being 23 and that was the first birthday I ended up not spending with my family. I enjoyed being 23. I really did. Now it is over. God has given me so much time, but I have wasted much of it on meaningless things. I know that I can not change this, but I can change the pattern of my life and set my sights higher. My new hope is that I would be obedient to my God, following in His footsteps, listening to His voice. I need to go where He asks me to, even when it means I leave people behind who I love so dearly.

So I get back from church yesterday and instead of taking my bible to my room, I just put it on the shelf inside the school. After lunch I went back to the dorm and decided to make a phone call. When I got off the phone, I went back in my room and saw my bible sitting on my bed (which I just spelled bead, but anyways). I was so confused because I didn’t remember coming into my room before I made the phone call. I played it over in my head a couple times: came upstairs, went to go through the door by the phone to go to my room, but decided to make the call before going to my room. I was sure that was what happened, but I couldn’t understand how my bible got in my room, so I just decided I was crazy and had actually put my bible in my room before phoning. Later, at supper, my friend says: “You left your bible on the shelf, so I put it in your room for you.” Unbelievable! I explained my side of the story, then we laughed and laughed and laughed! A few minutes later, that same friend says to another friend of ours: “Hey! You’ve got 4 fingers and a thumb…you’re normal!” We were just like “WHAT???” then continued to laugh some more. And finally, sitting around the table in the dorm, another says: “The farthest I’ve been into Manitoba is 6 hours into BC.” After the big cloud of confusion lifted, laughter broke out yet again! Needless to say, this was a day of strange conversations and much, MUCH laughter!

I don't really know what to do. I am in a state of blah. No other word for it. Just blah. There is something I need to do, but I don't know what it is. I need to step out, but I don't know which direction to go in. So much more going on that I can't even describe right now. Blah.

K, I don't usually remember dreams and I kinda wish I hadn't remembered this one 'cause it was really freaky to me. The first part was just weird and a little fraky, but the last part really freaked me out. Allow me to explain. If you don't know the names, don't worry, it's no big deal, it just makes it easier to explain. Andrea and Mandy were standing out in the parking lot of the 2 s dorms. Looking west, I saw a big fire cloud twisting together like a tornado. I pointed it out to Andrea because she had seen it come before. It stopped above us and changed into the shape of an alien. At some point something happened to Mandy. She just wan't herself. I tried dumping some icy drink over her head, but hse wasn't really affected. (This was done on the steps going into the school. As Mandy and I went into the school, Darlene Pinter also seemed to have been taken over and was swinging a bat at me. All of a sudden I had a bat too, but then as I was hitting her bat to defend myself, she ended up with 2 bats. The only thing that was kind of working for me was that it seemed to surprise her when I actually hit her with my bat. Then I decided to hit one of her bats so that another one would appear so I could have 2 as well. As I hit her bat, another one shot out and went behind the least used cafeteria door. When I went to get it, I saw Katie Verhaeghe who wasn't completely taken over, but a little bit still. As I was fighting of Darlene by the cafeteria, I was suddenly away from her and following Katie towards the chapel. It was almost completely dark this whole time. Scott Francis was standing by one of the first chapel doors, but Katie walked right by him. On my way past, I poked Scott with the on bat I still had (I don;t know what happened to the other one) and I said, "Looking for someone?" while pointing at Katie. As he went to get her, I hid by the washrooms by the chapel till they walked past again. I then heard Scott say to Katie, "Step into my ____" (I don't remember what he called it) while holding the door open for her. I then remembered that I had known about the chapel before, that it was full of demons. Like, FULL of them. I ran in there, right up front to the middle because that's where they were strongest and I began to mutter Jesus' name. As I was doing so, the demons began to overpower me and stop me from saying anything. I yelled, "Jesus!" once, waking myself up. So that was at like 5:20 this morning, so I didn't bother going back to sleep.

What a wonderful time last night. I am truly enjoying being at a place of growth in my walk with God. It has been a while since I have been at this place because God has had to do a lot of work with me over the years. As I went to bed last night I got this unbelievable feeling of being rocked to sleep in God's arms. Beautiful, absolutely beautiful.

Something to contemplate: p*rnography and chic flicks both give unrealistic expectations for people in relationships.

What a beautiful carefree day yesterday! Things got started at church where the congregation was challenged to set aside anything that hindered us from having God at the centre of our lives. This did not crush me as it could have because God had dealt with me in that area the previous two days. Next was lunch. Sunday lunches at FGBI are almost guaranteed to include chicken (my favorite). After great food and a bit of chit chat, me and some friends headed to the city (Saskatoon) for a movie. Back home I would never even consider driving 2 hours to go watch a movie, but I guess that's 'cause there's no need to. We watched Finding Nemo, then proceeded to Subway where we spent about an hour and a half of our time due to expired bags of chips and the "need" for freshly baked cookies. Two hours later we arrive back home (school, whatever) safely. Safely being the key word there since there were a couple people in the car who thought it was imperative that we pray before we leave (bad feeling or something). I have learned that prayer before a trip is a great idea, and who knows what would've happened if we hadn't. An all s day...it was great!

One thing that sucks about not being married is that when I read books on marriage and sit in my Marriage and Family Counselling class, I have trouble truly understanding. All I am able to do right now is allow the concepts to fillmy mind and apply them to the friendships and what not that I do have. I know it's not the same, but it's all I can do for now. There are things I learned I still have to deal with, including forgiving certain people and asking for forgiveness from certain people. I pray that I will have the courage to do these things,yes so I can move on with life, but also because these are things that Christ asks of me.
One thing I learned about marriage last semester, which gave me a greater desire to get married, is that the marriage relationship is a way to further my relationship with God, which is the greatest desire of my life and hopefully always will be.

It was such a beautiful time in chapel last night. The service was focused on glorifying god and worshiping Him in different ways. One way was to say briefly how studying something about God has impacted us. Two things that I can think of are that the King died for me and that God is above all wisdom. This last one really impacted me on Thursday night. I tend to go to people, rather than God, for advice. I will say though that I know God speaks through people. I am constantly amazed at how people speak, the words of wisdom that come from them. When I heard the song Above All on Thursday night, I got really excited because those words about God being above all wisdom finally became real to me.

I've been forcing myself to hang out with people in the lounge and in the dorm. I think it's been going well so far. It is so awesome to see how people act around each other this year. Already I see a change from last year. I am definitely getting the whole sense of brotherly-sisterly love (ie. playfights/arguments). those probably aren't the right examples to give, but I don't know what else to call it. Until yesterday I was noticing that any time I said anything, people weren't paying attention at all. If we were sitting in a group and other people were talking, it was like everybody's attention was on them, but as soon as it was my turn to speak, everybody was just off doing their own thing. Yesterday, for the couple of times that i did say something, people actually seemd to listen. It was nice. I think it was just a mind game. More lies being spoken to me before. Now that I am trying to daily give my life over to God and now that I have told Him that I want Him to have control over my tongue, I am getting a new perspective on how people see me and I am enjoying it. If it wasn't a mind game, the other thing it could be is that because I was sincere in asking God to have control over my tongue, He has changed me in a way that people have noticed. I actually think it might be both of these.
We had our annual "Outting to the Hills" yesterday. I had so much fun getting to know more people, going through the different activities, oh, and the river was amazing! It was surprisingly muggy out yesterday, so to be able to dive into that river was a huge blessing. Especially being after all of the events. It was a great time of worship and testimonies around a fire afterwards. A few people who shared last year shared lst night as well. Seeing the difference in their lives in just one year was so exciting!

Getting better at meeting new people. There's still about 11 guys I don't know yet, but it'll happen some time over the next 8 months. I'm really looking forward to the things God is doing and is going to do this year. Although I cannot place my finger on the change occurring within me, I know it is happening and I kinda like it :)

How dare I put anyone ahead of God? He is bigger than the air I breathe. He is bigger than the world we'll leave. He is my Glorious! We had a great opening service at school tonight. God began a major work in the hearts of His children, but it is only the beginning. One thing I found out is that i have been lied to a lot this summer. Not by people, necessarily, but by the enemy. It was brought to my attention that because the enemy does not know my thoughts, when I rebuke him I need to do it OUT LOUD!

This is from earlier today:
Talk is cheap. I did the whole WAT presentation thing today, which, whatever, but we had an “activity” today in the lounge involving a lot of improv stuff. Like I said before, I having people's attention on me, so I kept to myself as much as possible and chose not to actively participate in the activities. Now, only a few days after my last post, I am already going against the convictions that I have in my heart. I will now make excuses for myself, which are just that, excuses. I am not an overly creative individual. I have a hard enough time thinking of things to say normally, when I have time to think, let alone when I am put on the spot. I believe these activities that go on are meant to be entertaining, so because I believe that I do not have the ability to entertain people on my own, I leave these activities to those who are more able to do so. I believe these excuses with everything in me, and that is why I am having such a hard time getting out in front of people. I am often bored and lonely, no matter where I am, and I know that my life is a lot of what I make of it and that no one else can do anything to change any of this. I know that it is an area that I have to let God have, but I seem to keep holding on to it.

In regards to the “friends as idols” post, that seems to have been worked through. I am finding that the more time (real time) I spend with God, the more I see Him as the only one in true glory. It is not that I am liking my friends any less, it's just that I am more able to see them through the eyes of God.

This is from Monday:
Let the stretching begin! The intro week has just begun and I have already been asked to step out of my comfort zone. Thursday is the big day where I get to get up in front of my peers and tell them about my WAT trip this past summer. I do not like having people's attention on me, but I am going to do this because I want to be available to God in any way He asks. I've talked to my family and friends about this trip. I've even gotten up in front of my church and told them, but there is something about talking in front of many people who are closer to my age. This is another area of fear in my life, possibly related to that previously mentioned. I make myself go through these things, however, because I know that God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind. My hope is that if I continually accept these challenges in my life, I will be able to claim the victory that Christ has already won over my fears and have one less hindrance in my walk with Christ. I know also that even if I am never comfortable being in the spotlight, I can count it a blessing, knowing that it is part of my being crucified with Christ.

This is from Sunday:
Today in church I was reminded of something that God has asked me about before. Are my friends idols who I put before Him? I have struggled with this question many times and at one point I realized that this has been the case. The first time I realized this, I made a vow to God and I limited the time I spent with my friends. I have tried not to let my friends become overly important to me, but I am unsure as to where to draw the line. I believe there are some people in my life who I place high value on, higher than I should. I do not know how to remedy this situation. At times I just stay away from those people, but I consider them my friends, making this hard to do. I know that if I really love these people as my friends, I cannot place such a high value on them. I know that I need to see them for who they are. The thing that I struggle with concerning this, however, is that we are supposed to see people as God sees them. To me this means that we know that they are not perfect, that they still sin, but that they are made perfect through the redeeming blood of Christ. These people that I am talking about have been redeemed through Christ and they lead me into a deeper relationship with God. I know, though, that I do not see all people through the eyes of God and that is why I believe it is not necessarily a godly value that I am placing on these people. If anyone has anything to say about this, comments would be greatly appreciated.

Why is it that I say I love God, but I do everything but spend time with Him even when I want to? I mean, He's always available to me. I know He wants to spend time with me. When there are people here I want to spend time with, I don't go find them and spend time with them either. I know with people it's a fear of rejection, which is just a stupid insecurity issue that I have to deal with, but with God, I know He won't reject me. I know He is the only one who truly understands me. I know He is the only one who can give me real truth. Why do I so greatly desire to spend more of my time with people than with God? Why do I know, yet not understand, that I can only be truly satisfied with God? Why do I find it so difficult to communicate verbally, when it seems to come so easily just sitting in my room typing these things out? I was hoping that one of the effects of me starting to blog would be that it would help me get my thoughts flowing, making it easier to communicate with others. Perhaps it will take more time than I had hoped. Perhaps this will be the only way I can ever share myself with people. What a horrible thought: living life, attempting to build relationships via a computer. I will not let that happen! I will make it through this painful process of opening up to people! God, help me.