I got a Mac Sports lawnchair last night from Coralee and her parents for my birthday. I am so excited! It unintentionally got named Teddy because I was hugging it...yes, a chair...and I told Coralee I now had a teddychair.

I went to visit my friend Rachel (who used to work at VersaCold) yesterday. She's the one who was in the bad car accident on Thursday. She's home, which is good, but she's still in a lot of pain. And she was supposed to leave today for Ireland, England, and Scotland, but the doctor said she couldn't go. I obviously wish that the accident never happened and that she could go on her trip, but at the same time I am thankful that we are going to have more time to get to know each other. Even with the little I know, she seems like one of the sweetest people in the world and we have a lot of the same interests. I'm really going to miss her when I leave. I can't believe there's only 3 weeks left!!!

Today was the youth pastor's last day at our church. I never got to know him or his wife, but just knowing them from afar I could tell that they were great people. And the words people said about them today just made it even more real. It was a very emotional service, even for myself though I've only been there for 3 months (wow...it's been 3 months already!). I have always had a heart for youth and I have been in their place before (having a great youth leader leave) so my heart was just aching for them this morning.

About a week ago I wrote about "Captivating". Well, I would just like to say that I had my first "twirling skirt, 'Am I lovely?'" experience this morning. As we were singing this morning I started off feeling as though I was singing to the world about the love of my life, then as songs changed, it was me singing to the love of my life, adoring Him and having only eyes for Him, then it was us having a truly intimate moment that I cannot even explain. Rather than me planning a date with God, He planned it with me. It was the most wonderful experience of my life. My God loves me! His eyes are on me! His heart is for me! I was filled with the joy that my love had found me! I pictured myself in a field dancing, twirling my skirt, and not even needing to ask "Am I lovely?" because I knew He thought so. My love has found me! He loves me, He loves me, He loves me, He loves me, He loves me...
Just as in Intergrative Seminar I could feel the way I think changing, so now I know that the way I see myself is changing. I am truly beginning to discover this beautiful masterpiece my God created. Whenever I am outside, no matter the season or time of day, I am awe of the beauty all around me. The sun, the green grass, the fields, the mountains, the trees, the blue sky, the oceans and lakes, the moon, the stars, the wind, the snow, the thunder and lightning, the rainthe sunrises and sunsets...all of it. I have always had a deep love for what my God has created. Over the past few years, I have also come to understand people in this same light...the beauty of God's creation. This has helped me to see people in a new way, a better way. And recently I have started to become aware of the fact that I, too, am part of His creation, meaning I am beautiful. I still have a ways to go before this sinks in so deep that it has long-term life transformation for me, but to finally be in the beginning stage is amazing!

Well, if you want an update on what my weekends have looked like this past month, just take a look at Coralou's blog for July 25th. It's all there, summed up nicely but still with good detail!

I got a letter from my mom yesterday. Ya, she didn't even mention the stuff I had written in my last letter. Now I have to (for my own sake) decide if I want to 1)just drop it because I realize a)she doesn't care or b)she doesn't know how to talk about it and 2)tell her what response I was hoping for this time and last time (which was last year when I wrote her a letter). You see, after seeing and hearing about the relationships that some of the women I respect have with their mothers I have wondered why it has not been like that between my mom and I and have taken to writing letters to my mom about personal issues in my life. Unfortunately (in my eyes) this has not even come close to happening.

Do you think things ARE getting worse in our days or do you think that we are just more aware of more things as we get older?

I have been taken back in time too many times this week: I found out 3 of my friends were invloved in 3 different car accidents. Yesterday's accident was really bad. I found out about it when I got to work so I was pretty shaken up all night. Everyone (in all 3 accidents) will be fine. It's just those haunting words of "What if...?" and "If only..."

I got off work at about 3:45am and was home and asleep by 4am. Unfortunately I could only sleep until 9:50am. I don't know why. We will be one person short in the office from today until August 10th (which is when we get someone in to train so they can replace me when I leave). So today I go in at 3pm instead of 4pm, and unless something actually works out today I will still be there until a ridiculous time of night/morning. On the bright side, all of this over-time is helping me pay off my Visa:)

I have more to write, but I think this is long enough for now. But I won't leave without saying: 14 WORK DAYS LEFT!!! 23 DAYS TILL I'M IN ESTON!!!

As I began reading "Captivating" my eyes welled up. I felt as though, finally, someone understood me. This was in the first two pages (Introduction). As I continued on, I felt shutdown once again. They were discussing childhood memories of little girls playing dress-up, asking verbally or with their eyes if they were beautiful; twirling in skirts, sparkling ones were best; dreaming of their wedding day; etc. I have heard this as the norm my whole life, but these are not the memories of my childhood. They were never part of it. So disappointment comes once again. Oh to be understood! Oh to understand!

Perhaps one year I will remember my blogging birthday on the actual date! (It was on the 18th). 2 years now...crazy! I've been going through my archives and others, seeing where we were at a year or 2 ago. It always helps me to put things in perspective when i do this, just seeing where I've come from, what things were important at the same time in past years. I'll probably check my old journal entries too. This is nuts: I got off work at 12:30am tonight and it's already 4:15am and I'm not in bed! Well, hopefully that will help me to sleep in longer tomorrow (today). I am almost finished "The Jesus I Never Knew". It is such a good book. I highly recommend it. If I get off work at a decent time tomorrow (ie. by 10:30pm), Coralee and I will leave for Red Deer tomorrow night. That is of course if I ever get around to asking a couple people if we cans tay at their place for the night. Then Saturday morning we'll be off to Edmonton. I am looking forward to staying home and relaxing on the long weekend and watching Alias of course! Well, I should head to bed soon. Goodnight!

Congratulations to:

Brock and Mandy
Cuong and Athena
Josh and Laurah

Well, now that I actually have some time...
I had an AMAZING weekend! First off, Coralee and I rented Alias Season 1 last Sunday and finished watching the last 3 episodes on Saturday afternoon. Saturday night we picked Gail up near the Stampede, then met some friends at Mount Royal College to watch Shakepeare in the Park. They were performing "Much Ado About Nothing". It was good. It started raining part way through, but it didn't last long. On Sunday we went to Church, came back home, hung out for a while, and took Gail to meet up with Karla, Curtis, Chris, Abi, and Daniel. After visiting with them for a few minutes, Coralee and I went to the Stampede. We found parking for $4 for the night, the went to the RoundUp Centre for a bit...saw part of the Superdog show, had supper, saw a huge house-of-cards, then went to get tickets for rush seating for the Grandstand Show. This was the main reason I wanted to go to the Stampede. I was really looking forward to the chuckwagon races. We got our tickets and were seated an hour before the show started. We had great seats, but soon realized we were not sitting where we were supposed to be. We got up to try to find 2 seats together in the rush-seating areas, but it was a no-go. We were told we could go to the tarmack to stand there for the show, so we started on our way. We decided to sit in a couple seats until the people came with their tickets to sit there...but they never did! It was great! The seats weren't as good as the ones we were originally in, but they were a lot better than the rush-seating seats! I lvoed the chuckwagon races, though I was having troubles focusing because I kept thinking someone was going to come make us move. When the TransAlta Light Up The Night show started, I finally settled down 'cause I figured nobody was coming for these seats. I was blown away by the show! For a while I just found it really entertaining, but after a while it became more than that. I was seeing things through new eyes. Watching the variety of talents on that stage; from the set design and production, to the dancers, gymnasts, martial artists, singers, and so much more, to the fireworks display...all of this beautiful creativeness, with the God-created earth and sky all around...it brought tears to my eyes...tears of joy and hope. I was once again in awe of my King. I could not stop worhiping Him and praising Him for the rest of the show and afterwards. My God, Who created the earth and everything in it, the world and all who live in it. He is the Creator! Every ounce of creativeness in every person comes from God! Being amazed by the abilities of all of these people drew me to be overwhelmed by the abilities of my God!

As happens so often, the bitterness and hurt mentioned before were due to rumors being spread that were not true. The scared part was because I had written a letter to my mom and I wasn't sure how she would react to something that was written in it. I have talked to her since she read the letter and she didn't even mention it. At first I was thinking, "Ya, whatever. I should have known you didn't care." But then I started thinking that she's probably going to write me back and discuss it in the letter. It's frustrating thinking negative things before positive things. Doggone self-worth issues!!! I'm glad to see things are changing though and that I'm starting to be able to see how things could turn out positively before it actually happens, which it usually does.

Do we ever really know anybody?!?!?!

Right now I am feeling
bitter
hurt
scared

It's hot.

I checked the mail today (as always) and there was something in their from my mom. I thought about it and remembered she was going to send me my MSP bill (oh joy, here we go again!). Anyways, I opened it up and there was a letter inside as well. It was a nice surprise 'cause my mom doesn't usually send anything extra with this kind of stuff. When I was at home we had talked about writing letters to each other because I told her I was planning on writing her one (though it is to explain my love for FGBC).
Anyways, I also got a phone call this afternoon from my boss at the cleaning job. I was supposed to work on the 8, 11, 13, 15, and 29 of July, but she said things changed and I don't have to clean anymore...at all. This makes me happy because of how crazy the next 2 weeks of work at VersaCold are supposed to be.
And as the 2 countdowns continue: ...31 shifts left! ...45 days till Eston!!!
Well, off to work so I can knock off one more shift.

At one point I was in the midst of reading 3 books (Christy, How to be a Canadian, and The Jesus I Never Knew), but I have finished the 1st 2 and still have a decent amount left in the 3rd. And then of course I bought a 3-part series which I will begin soon enough.

I was trying to figure out student loan stuff today and found out that I would be at least $2000 short if I were to take the CERTESL program while doing my internship. I decided to call Danielle to figure things out, and boy how things have changed! First, only 9 credits are needed for eligibility for F/T studies, meaning I only have to take 1 class each semester. Second, I am now registered in History of Christianity in Canada for 1st semester and Art History for the winter mini-semester. It is weird for me to be excited about taking history classes because I used to hate them. But the influence of others, including having Brian as a teacher, over the last 3 years has given me a new perspective on things so that I actually want to learn about all kinds of history.
After making this decision about school (or having it made for me), I feel as though a burden has been lifted off me. I am excited about this school year even more because I believe I will have more time to do what I love to do most: get to know people!

Well, let's see...
In the last 2 weeks, I've gone home for a visit, gone to see a couple movies, cut back my hours at one job (I've only got 5 shifts left), visited with the Belize team, finished reading Christy (so good!), continued looking at teaching ESL positions (ie. with OM and what not), went to Lethbridge this past Saturday and Sunday, bought an FM Transmitter for my car so I can finally listen to CDs (wish I had known about this sooner!), recognized the need and opportunity to write letters to some people, and have had some interesting conversations/thought provoking questions to keep my mind alert regarding some important issues. I was told to expect to be at work till between 3 and 5 every morning (starting at 4 in the afternoon) for the next 3 weeks. It'll be good overtime, but that's a little extreme. Oh well, maybe it won't be that bad...and if it is, I'm sure my body will adjust to it.
Happy Belated Canada Day and Happy 4th of July!