GRRARGH! How do expect to impact the world around me when I can't get over myself? We had an awesome "Soak" chapel service tonight. Many people shared things that were on their hearts. I, on the other hand, couldn't bring myself to do it. It's not that I was scared of what other people would think because I knew that there would be people I care about whowould have been proud of me for saying something. I just wasn't sure of myself...if I was really hearing something, if it was meant to be shared, if it was meant to be shared then. I was given so many opportunities, but I didn't take any of them. I felt so drained towards the end of the service because I had not shared, then, when everything was over and done with, I felt as though I had disappointed God. I wish I would have just done it especially because if I had it would have fit well with what I had to say. Maybe one day.

I had the hardest time being motivated to go to church. I didn't really see the point of it. I would always go because "what would people say if I didn't?" and here at school because, well, it's in the rules that I agreed to follow. Last semester, when a bunch of people were away, I was really struggling with going to church, so I didn't go. With the conscience that I have, however, I told the RD (who is also one of my friends) that I didn't go. After explaining that this lack of motivation has been occuring for years and that I didn't understand th importance of going to church, we had a nice long discussion about it where she began to explain the need to go to church. She prayed with me that night and since then, there has only been one or two times where I really didn't want to go, but I went anyways. The rest of the time, I understand what church is supposed to be about. With that said, I will read one more site, then head off to church.

It is very strange: this patience thing. I had someone I trust greatly speak a prophetic word over me last year, saying that I'm going to be a leader. I have also heard this from God myself, and it has been confirmed by other people. I have seen many opportunities where this could have occurred, but they have passed me by. I know, though, that I need to keep doing what I'm doing: going through the prep time. And one day I will be ready and God will make His move. When this will happen and in what form, I do not know, but I will continue making myself available to Him. It took a lot of prep time for both Moses and Joseph to be ready for leadership. I hope it doesn't take that long for me, but if it does, that's God's choice. God is faithful and I have no doubt that what He says will come to pass.

I didn't get that recruitment job, and I'm okay with that. I know that if God wanted me there, He would've put me there. Now I have more time to spend with my niece and the rest of my family and friends back home. I was mostly expecting not to get the job. Most of my thoughts and plans concerning the summer concerned doing stuff back home.

Well, although I couldn't physically get away from here, I did get away. I did no homework this weekend. I read for pleasure, well, sorta pleasure, and I watched 6 movies: Mulan, Dangerous Minds, I'll Be There, The Lizzie McGuire Movie, While You Were Sleeping, and The Fifth Element. Not quite the escape I had in mind, but I got to hang out with some great friends. Well, off to tutor.

I just realized something that I h.a.t.e. about small towns, well, and the rules at the school about having to sign out when leaving town. Back home I would just get in these moods where I would just want to drive and listen to music and get away from everything. I could drive for 1/2 an hour and still be in the same city but I was away from what I wanted to be away from...it was great. But I'm in one of those moods right now and as I was driving, I wanted to keep driving, but to keep driving in this town gets me nowhere except to where I want to leave...and I can't just leave town without signing out, well, not without breaking the rules. And I can't just sign out because I have no specific place that I am going to. So here I am, where I don't want to be. So ya, there's my thoughts on the matter.

In one of my Theology classes we are discussing the character and working of the Holy Spirit. Since beginning this class, I have been trying to get out of the mindset of the Spirit being an "It" rather than "He". When we talk about people we don't really know, we still say things like "the teacher, the janitor, the salesperson, etc.". And just because we say "the" in front of their titles, doesn't make any of them "it", they have personal qualities and are therefore referred to as "he" or "she". The same way, the Holy Spirit must be referred to as "He", just like the rest of the Trinity. With that said, I have been excited while learning about the Spirit and His work in me. He dwells inside every believer, as our bodies are considered "the temple of the Holy Spirit". In recognizing this fact and what His work is, I have learned that I need to be willing to allow Him to take me anywhere; that "with God, all things are possible." I have known this in my head before, but it is beginning to transform my life. In class yesterday we were told that, just as in the Garden of Eden when the serpent said "Did God really say you would die?", so now, when we hold back out of fear, we are listening to Satan's lies/deceptions as he says "Did God really say...?" God's Word is true and we need to believe in that with all that we are, living our lives in the basis of that truth.

I applied for a recruitment job with the school for this summer. I handed in my application form and an essay saying why I wanted to do it. I had my interview today. There were some good points and some not so good points to it, which I realized a little later on. I have been very cold over the past few days...I have my suspicions as to why, but it could just be the cold weather. I have been having troubles knowing what to think about many things. I don't even know how to explain it. I have a strong desire to hear something from God, anything really, so I've been taking steps to "help it along", if that's even possible. I know He's been working in me and through me and through others. I can see that. And I have started hearing things from Him, but those things aren't coming through clearly to me...yet. Some of His truths have been penetrating my heart and I am becoming even more excited about my relationship with Him. This morning I had to face one of many challenges in my life. When it was over, I was relieved and at peace. It was good. My hands are cold and sore...I've gotta go.

So Satan was in the presence of the Almighty God and yet he chose to rebel. God gives us freedom and we choose to rebel. When we "get to heaven", are we still going to have the free choice. And if so, what makes us think that everything will be so wonderful, that we won't rebel against God as Satan did? And another thought: Did God create Adam and Eve as full grown adu.lts? And if so, couldn't He have done the same to us. What if life as we know it started existing right at this split second of time, but that God created us with all these memories. He is all powerful. He can do anything. This is something I had thought about a few years back and it tends to run through my mind every once in a while.

I am so excited! I get to watch CSI tonight!!! I thought I was going to have to wait until the summer to watch it, but there are some gracious friends who live in town who are allowing us to watch it at their place. We may watch Without A Trace as well, which I've never seen, but it will depend on the owner of the house.

I found something out about Japan earlier today. I was talking with my Japanese ESL Language Partner this morning and at one point I asked her what the words to the Japanese national anthem were in English. What I expected to be a straight forward answer turned into quite the story. Apparently there is a hidden meaning in the anthem that not every Japanese person knows. Apparently it says something along the lines of: The emperor is perfect and is equal to God and should therefore be worshiped by all. And the flag is also a symbol of the emperor's perfection and equality with God. She gave more details, but that's the gist...it was quite the story.

Grumble, grumble, complain, sulk, arg! God is trying to teach me something and I'm really not enjoying it at the moment, but I'm sure with time I will realize the importance of it, but for now I just want out! I'm glad it didn't take me long to realize that God wants to teach me a lesson (or2 or 3 or 4 or 5), but I wish I wasn't so stubborn and that I could learn my lesson faster than I am. And it's not making it any easier knowing that once I learn my lesson, the things I currently don't like happening will continue to happen because I don't like them happening. The only thing that will really change is my reaction and attitude to what is happening. I have to go tutor now.

I have recently felt a deeper conviction than ever before to step out of my comfort zone and do whatever it takes to lead by example and encourage and whatever else. I have "stepped out of the boat" on a few occasions today and I lo.ved it. I was so anxious about it right before I went through with it, but it was well worth it.

One of many things I picked up from church yesterday: Jesus, when talking to His disciples, said, "You are the light of the world." Is your light bright enough to bring people in or just to get you out?