Thursday, April 29, 2004

Eston to Abbotsford in 16 hours...I was impressed. Before I ever went to SK, I was...annoyed...with the mountains getting in the way of my view. As soon as I got to SK, I fell in love. The openness of the land is so beautiful. The only thing I haven't like about it is that I haven't been near a lake or anything. I've been thinking of getting my own place. It's about time. I'm almost 25. Coming back home, I realized how small my room is and how much stuff I have...not a good combination. This morning my dad couldn't believe I hadn't unpacked yet, and I thought to myself Where am I supposed to unpack? This room was already full of my other stuff when I got here. My parents are planning to move in with my brother and his wife and daughter when they buy a house, which could even be in the next couple months. Maybe I'll be able to start my internship next summer, then when I'm done that I can officially move to SK...near a lake! I don't know what I'm gonna do though 'cause I have so much student loan debt racked up, then I'm gonna have to pay that off. Ugh! I need a job...soon. I was so excited when I went to visit my niece yesterday (I can't believe she's just over 15 months old now!)...after 3 1/2 hours of my being there, she took her first step! I kept telling them she was waiting for me to get home! She didn't play shy, she said auntie many times, she gave me a hug and many kisses, and she walked! Couldn't have had a better visit. Well, since my computer is in Eston for the summer, I don't know how much I'll be bale to update, but I'll do my best. And I hope you all do the same, so I can know what's going on in your lives. Oh right...I went to see Hidalgo today...it's definitely not the same watching a movie without my 2 movie buddies. Love you guys.

Thursday, April 22, 2004

I was so unbelievably tired last night. I was supposed to go to some birthday thing or something after in-dorm time, but I couldn't make it...I went to sleep at like 11:30. For some strange reason I woke up at 5:30, but I made myself go back to sleep...till 7. I wish I could sleep longer. I'm constantly tired. Thankfully right now is not too bad (PTL for showers!). I did have quite the surprise when I got up this morning. The entire top floor of the dorm was pranked with shredded paper. I still have my guess as to who's involved. I know one for sure, but other than that I haven't been able to definitely pin it on the others. Today is cleanup day. The entire school and dorms will be spotless...at least that's the idea. Whoever's on dorm cleanup should have fun with the mess from the prank! As tedious of a job as it is, I hope I'm in the library today. There's still almost 2 hours till brunch, so I guess I'll go finish reading my book in the mean time...if I can find a place where nobody else will be that is...prayer room perhaps. I just realized how sad that sounds, but right now, it works for me.

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

If you don't want to read a similar message to my one from this morning, don't read on. Well, today was much like last night...perhaps because I was not able to get last night's issues dealt with. I think the major difference is that I cried more today and had even less of an understanding. The good thing about today (well, maybe its good, maybe it's not, but it sure seems so right now) is that I was able to escape today. I didn't leave the school because I didn't want to go anywhere by myself, but I lost myself in Zelda. What a good game. I'm having a lot of trouble in one spot right now, but maybe I'll get to try again another day. I decided I definitely want to leave here on Sunday so I can get home to see my niece sooner. I'm not looking forward to doing this drive alone, but it has to be done. At least I don't have to drive back here by myself. There are people in this room who have been quoting Scripture, talking, and just having a good time, but nothing has changed in me.
I just about had it last night. I was going to finish packing up all my stuff, then leave ASAP. The only reason I didn't leave last night is because I want to see some of the grads who are coming. I don't even really know what was going on. I mean, there's some stuff I know about, but I don't know why it got taken so far. I was angry, hurt, confused, sad, and lost. All of this was just the beginning of turning into...I don't know...all I could call it is an evil spirit of anger coming over me. I was getting angry over the littlest things. They all just seemed to be piling up. I tried to find someone to pray for me, but it just wasn't working out, so I just kept crying in my room, wanting to punch a hole through my wall because I felt completely trapped by in-dorm time for the first time. God met me, kind of, enough to let me get to sleep anyways. Cheryl asked me if I would edit her Life of Christ paper, so I did that, then went straight to bed. I don't really understand why I react like this at times (this being the worst so far, thankfully). The first thing I got mad about, I had no reason to be mad about...I guess it was a jealousy thing, then the next few were little annoyances (like the phone ringing constantly) that seemed like a big deal, and by that time I felt like biting anybody's head off who talked to me (though of course I don't have it in me to let it out...annoying, but maybe a good thing). Well, that's me for last night. I just pray it doesn't happen again. I don't like it when I'm like that. On a brighter note, I get to see those grads and other alumni within the next few days.

Monday, April 19, 2004

Alright, everything's done except a so-called exam. Now I have all this time on my hands and I have no idea what to do. It has been a good time to do a lot of reading though, so that's been nice. I have a couple more books I'd like to get through before I leave here for the summer. Less than a week and I'll be outta here. I'm thinking of taking a different way home this summer. Either through Lethbridge and across southern BC or else Lethbridge, down into Montana, Idaho, Washington, and back up to BC. I might not do this 'cause I'm gonna be by myself, but it would be fun if I had somebody else with me. On Friday night we drove to Kindersley for supper and to watch Home on the Range, but the movie wasn't playing, so we watched Taking Lives instead. I really enjoyed that movie. The only way I can describe it is as a more in-depth version of CSI. The Dean of Students, who was my WAT leader last year, decided he needed to come up with a nickname for me. He said it needed to be something that showed his endearment towards me and that revealed my character. Since WAT he's been on this big kick of me remembering little details, so he decided to call me Data. After saying that, he also said that, on Star Trek, Data was the most human character because he WANTED to be human. He came up with the name a couple days ago and has been calling me by it since. I told him it would take a while to get used to...I mean, I haven't had a real nickname in my 24 years of living. I am so excited for the Vancouver/Calgary name tonight! We will probably be watching it in the lounge, so it'll likely be crowded, but good nonetheless. All I have to say is GO CANUCKS GO!!!

Friday, April 09, 2004

There is only one week left of classes (and one exam for me). I can't seem to focus on my homework and when I can and I really want to work on it, there are people who come to talk or hang out and I just can't say no to them. This is because I value people so much. It's not what they think of me, it's about how they're feeling and what they're needing. Obviously I don't know for sure what people need, but I try to do what I think is best. It's part of the whole balance thing I wrote about last time. I put people ahead of my schooling and my schooling ahead of myself (sleep, etc.). Thankfully God is taking care of me. I have made it through 24 years and, with His help, I will continue to make it, even when I mess up. I don't want to just make it though. There are so many things that I want to do, though I don't know what they are exactly. There are so many things that need to be done and I need to continue preparing myself for those things. I love my Pastoral Theology class. Every time I am in that class, God reveals new things to me...things that make me excited about living my life for Him. Some things that I am learning on my own are brought uo in class too, so that just makes it more real to me because I get a better understanding of those things.

Saturday, April 03, 2004

What is the right thing to do? Do we ever really know until it happens? There are things I bring to God in prayer, but it seems as though I do not get an answer. I try one thing and it's wrong, so the next time I try something else and it's still wrong. Perhaps I need to take lessons from history and learn that extremes don't work...there needs to be a balance. What that balance is? Who knows, but it is important that I do not focus on trying to find the balance, but to continue trying regardless.

Thursday, April 01, 2004

Kaleena's post yesterday got me thinking. I have been in school for so long that I do not enjoy the experience as much as I could or should. I still love school. I love learning. But perhaps it's time for a decent length break. I still have one year left at FGBI then an internship somewhere, doing something. I still want to go to school after this, and perhaps need to if I want to get a "good career". But it will be good for me to be away from the formal school setting for a while. Pay off my debts, do some travelling. I need to get away from here...from North America. As much as I love NA, I need to immerse myself in other cultures. I would love to just disappear into some unknown community, starting a life on my own. There is so much that I am missing out on. There is something big out there for me and I am going to enjoy searching for it. Ah dreams...slightly incomplete, but something that gives me hope.